Frustrated and wanting change

[frustrated44]

Hello,

At 30 years old I have finally realised that I need to acknowledge some of the things I constantly think in my head are not what most people would consider ‘normal’.  I am writing this on here as I have just read a lot of other peoples thoughts and it has given me the confidence to post some of my feelings in the hope that maybe someone can help shed some light on what it is that cause me to spend so much of my waking hours thinking the way I do, and maybe what I should do about it.

There are some things I have always done as long as I can remember which I want to share with you;

I have this bad habit of over analysing social situations of any kind after the event and reliving them in exact detail.  I can go over and over every word that was said in a conversation from every possible angle and get annoyed with myself for a ‘bad’ answer or a ‘stupid’ question convinced that the other person would only remember that and perceive me as an idiot.  Whats worse is that its not only strangers but family members and close friends too that I do this to but can even be pizza delivery guys, call centre operators etc. etc.  Also I forever relive past conversations even if they happened a few years ago and still get frustrated with particular actions I took or things I said convinced that these things have left the impression that I feel of me in their eyes, even if it was just the way I said “goodbye”.  

I will avoid places I have to go, such as a shop for work like the butchers (Im a chef) because I worry for hours before hand about the 3 or so minutes of ‘banter’ I will have to have with them whilst waiting for my order, convinced when I leave they will say all these negative things about me like I'm an idiot or boring etc.  Also I have started to avoid seeing some of my best friends and my goddaughter as I think I will run out of things to say and look foolish.  Im so bored of this!

Recently I cant leave my house and walk down the street without thinking everybody I pass is somehow looking at me and judging me. 

If I'm going to a cafe I will go over and over the words I need to use and what I will say in my head before I walk in and order a coffee.  To most people this would sound completely ridiculous and I too know that it is completely irrational and that the server in the coffee shop wont remember the guy that said ‘hello, can I have a latte’ in a strange way that morning but I cant help it. 

I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent so I don’t suffer too much from intellectual self-esteem issues, but I cant help constantly thinking that my hair must look stupid or im walking funny or im drinking from my water bottle too loudly when I'm somewhere.  Always convinced that the look a shop assistant gives me is because I look strange.  It is so frustrating as I know it doesn't make sense and yet I can never stop the repeating thoughts and its driving me crazy!

Also no matter how much sleep I get I very rarely feel normal and ‘awake’, it does happen sometimes but I often feel almost dizzy or just slightly out of touch like I'm not quite there almost like a little cloudy? or slightly dreamy? Its hard to find the words to describe this adequately does anyone know what I mean?

I have always drunk a lot of alcohol, often more than a bottle of red wine or equivalent most nights for pretty much the last ten years.  Recently because of study I have cut that down and even managed to stop for a week.  I had always thought that this had added to my feelings but it turns out that they were still there, I even gave up cigarettes too and they still are, and so I guess I have no more excuses other than to try and work out what is really the problem and do something about it.

Despite all these negative thoughts I honestly think most people who know me would say I'm almost always happy and quite confident.  No one including my girlfriend of two years knows quite how frequent and on rotation the thoughts are, and generally i cope alright, well outwardly anyway, I'm sure some of you know what I mean but it is tiring. 

I know these problems aren't as debilitating as some peoples on here but I guess I would love to know if anyone who has similar thoughts what has worked for you and perhaps what you think my next step should be.  When I started writing this I thought a GP would probably send me home and tell me its nothing if I told them but putting it down on paper, and there are so many more examples, I kind of just realised how much I bend my life and put up with stuff because of this and I'm sure there is something I can do.  Often it is all consuming and I can't think about anything else, a feeling I'm sure a lot of people will be familiar with.  If I look back into my past I can find times right back to high school when I have felt I have struggled socially and so I don't know whether much has changed or whether I'm just more aware of them recently.  I hate the idea of medication in almost any form and have probably only taken a handful of nurofen in the past ten years so I'm hoping there is some other option.  Anyway I feel happier having made this step.

Thanks for reading

[Stephen123]

Dear frustrated, I must apologise for my last post. To be honest it was written after I consumed a bottle of wine. I dread writing the wrong thing to people on this forum and I feel I should not have made the final sentence. The thing is you have done an amazing job of detailing any problems you might have and you have been very thorough on yourself. What I was trying to get across is that I believe you are not going to have much of a problem dealing with these issues. You may not realise it but you have done most of the work already. I know it,s daunting going to see a psychologist but I think you said it yourself that they are professional people. The idea of writing everything down is an excellent idea, that way you won,t come out of the session wishing you had said this and that. Just be warned of one thing, there psychologists out there that are in the wrong profession. You will know straight away if you strike one of these, a sign that they are not very good is they,ll spend most of the session talking about themselves. Don,t worry the odds of this happening is very small. Beyond blue have an excellent tool on this website were you can search for a mental health professional in your area. Maybe make a list and see if the gp can recommend one of them. Just keep on doing what you are doing, you are doing exactly the right things. I,m really sorry if I said anything to upset you, I really was only trying to help. Good luck

[Mary89]

Hi there,

How did your appointment go? I know how you feel dreading going to see a GP. There's no way I would have gone it it wasn't for my family forcing me to get help. My sister actually rang up and made the appointment for me and drove me there because I was refusing to do it. The thought of seeing a doctor and admitting how I was feeling made me feel so anxious I was ready to have a panic attack in the waiting room.

I thought no one would be able to help me and I was going to feel this way forever. However since finding the right psychologist this has changed and you don't have to feel this way.

hope you have started to receive some help.

[chociloni]

Hi Frustrated, I do a lot of the things you mentioned in your post. Perhaps not to the amount of detail that you do though, Ive seen psychologists all my life and they've never mentioned that I might have OCD. One thing I do do now that I realise is fairly dysfunctional is that in order for things to happen the way I want them I think things have to occur in a certain order? Like events, the steps to getting a job, finding a partner, finding a house etc...does any of this relate to you?

Things will happen as theyre supposed to happen you cant control them. Im just figuring this out now and Im 36 yrs old!

[geoff]

dear Chociloni, by having OCD myself for 54 years and what you have said is yes you do have OCD, and if you are concerned or would like to talk about then please reply.

It's an illness that so many people do actually have, and it is annoying. Geoff.

[chociloni]

Hi Geoff,

What methods have helped you?