Hi crystloak
My heart goes out to you while you try so hard to manage a number of challenges that you can feel starting to get the better of you.
From my own experience, I've come to believe life can tick on 3 basic levels. There are certain things in life that can lead us to a high. There are a number of things that can lead us to be and feel more grounded. Then there can be particular factors that we can feel taking us under ground or into a depression of sorts. It would be great to be able to feel a regular high, that's for sure. I think most of us would be willing to settle for 'grounded', if the choice was between that and under ground. When sands shift, faults in our foundations appear or the ground just seems to fall out from under us, the biggest challenge can involve a major reassessment of what it is that will actually give us a sense of feeling solid ground beneath our feet.
I can recall my mum saying how incredibly stressed and insecure she felt when she was in her early 60s and her and my dad split up. This was about 30 years ago. The only thing that she could think of that really helped was to sit down and draw up a detailed budget/financial plan. For her, she needed to see written proof that she could manage no matter what. Imagining she couldn't was what was stressing her the most. Her imagination served her far better when it came to visualising ways to do things cheaper or more economically. She stretched and exercised her imagination. While she still had some fear, she became proud and confident in relation to what she managed to achieve at one of the most stressful times of her life. She admitted circumstances forced her into laying these solid foundations but without being forced she would never have become an absolute legend of financial manager. That woman could save money out of next to nothing while still enjoying life. You also have that same ability, to manage and imagine.
I smile when I say I can relate to how inner demons can love and thrive on a downshift. All it can take is a few thoughts or a few steps down and...BAMM...they're off and running. As a 55yo gal, my harsh and brutal inner critic absolutely thrives on mirrors in certain lighting: 'My god, woman...how the hell did you get so wrinkly all of a sudden?! You used to be beautiful and look at you now. You're old and fat and look at those chin hairs' and on and on it can go. I can laugh about it now but I can recall my inner critic having a field day with all the mirrors and lighting in a Mecca store. I cried almost the whole way home. But I tell you what, there is something beautiful inside of us or maybe it's coming from what's divine. No matter what it is, we can also hear exactly what we need to hear at times. While my inner critic can be going to town on me with 'Look at that body, it's old and fat', there is something that says 'That body grew 2 humans beings within it. It is a miracle. You are a miracle'.
If we choose to refer to our inner dialogue as 'Angel on one shoulder/devil on the other', there is great skill to be found and developed when it comes to how to listen and feel guided. To that which tests us and torments us, 'Get the hell out of my head' is a handy mantra for finding some grounding form of heaven on earth.
