Feeling Like A Caged Animal

[OhmeOhmy]

Feeling so restless and anxious, pacing around and can't escape myself.  I tried reaching out and being honest about where I'm at but it seems honesty is not always the best path as people tend to judge and even your problems have to fit a certain socially acceptable standard. That's why I choose to stay away from people, such hypocrites .  I just want to get away from my thoughts and this crazy restless feeling.  Arrrghhh!!!

[White_Rose]

Dear Ohme

I see you have written a few posts here but I would still like to welcome you to Beyond Blue. You sound very restless and unhappy. It seems you have no support for your emotional difficulties. I do hope we can help you here.

This is a safe site where the folk who respond to you understand your situation having been there themselve. I see you have written in before but I have not read any of your posts so I am unaware of your story, assuming you have written about it.

So I will ask you some basic questions. If you have given this information previously then please excuse me for not knowing it. Have you been diagnosed with clinical depression or anxiety? If not then I suggest you visit your GP ASAP to work out what sort of help will be best for you.

On the BB homepage there is a one minute questionnaire for depression which may help you look at what is happening to you. I say this because being restless and anxious in the way you describe are classic depression actions.

The pros and cons of being open can be difficult. If you find someone who understands your difficulty and can respond in a good way, (and there are people who do this) then great. The downside is telling those folk who do not understand mental illness of any description and have preconceptions of what it means. They make hurtful comments like, get over it, pull yourself together, and other remarks. So I suggest you check people out before confiding in them.

I have made this mistake many times and have finally realised that I get no support, rather I am regarded as strange, sorry for myself, weak, or just plain nuts. So although it's tempting to look for help anywhere, please be selective.

Have you explored the tabs at the top of the page? There is a huge amount of information about depression and anxiety and I recommend it to you. If you have no GP then you can find one via the Find a Professional tab.

May I ask you write in and tell us more about yourself? I am certain the we can help and support you more if we know a little more about you.

Warm regards

Mary

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your response.  I have tried to reply a few times over the weekend however I couldn't get the words out, I kept feeling quite overwhelmed.  How does one tell their story in a few paragraphs? I will try and do that now.

In 2008 after I graduated Uni I agreed to move 8 hours away from my family and friends, with my husband and children so that my husband could take a job that furthered his career.  My husband was a high functioning alcoholic who was very controlling. After a year of living up here we were in a very bad way, his drinking was out of control and I was drinking too much too as I realise now I was depressed and not coping.  I was frightened of leaving him, I had tried many times before but stayed out of fear.  This time was different as we had a mutual friend up here that came around regularly and witnessed his behaviour towards me.  This friend encouraged me to leave and supported me.  I was a mess, trying to be strong and positive for my children yet falling apart inside.  I felt like nothing was real and like I was watching my life happen the way you watch a movie.  I went to a gp and a psychologist and was told I suffered anxiety and depression.  I have done counselling several times over the years and it does help for a while.  The problem was that my husband was furious that I left him (the psychologist told me he was a narcissist and that he was dangerous) and he was determined to punish me.  He put me through all kinds of hell from stopping me from moving home legally as he had a right to see the kids, to constant phone calls, texts and emails, to cutting off all financial assistance. I lost my car, my home and he stopped paying the children's school fees.  Child support only just managed to find the company he hid all of our money in in 2012. I was drained and exhausted in every possible way which is exactly what he told me he would do to me if I left him. I don't regret leaving.  The only friend I had up here was the one who helped me leave him and I ended up in a relationship with him which was all wrong. I was sad and vulnerable and it wasn't a good place to start a new relationship from.  I was also very grateful to him for helping me get away from my ex and I still am however even though I do love him I wasn't in love with him.  I made a mistake getting into that relationship and so I told him and ended it.  3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.  A baby at 41 was a shock and changed everything.

[OhmeOhmy]

My Story Part II

One of the reasons that made me realise I wasn't in love with this man who I was now having a child with was that I found him to be smothering.  He never gave me space to think or feel, he rang and text me many times daily when I left my husband and was constantly demanding of my time and attention even though my children needed me.  I needed to feel all the feelings that came with the break up of my 20 year relationship with my husband, I needed to grieve and heal but I didn't, I just went numb as I tried to process this new relationship with an old friend.  I felt trapped and almost obliged to deal with him because he had helped me.  When I found out about the baby I was both thrilled and terrified.  Thrilled and amazed that I would get the chance to hold a new born again and terrified that now I would be tied to this man forever and my new found freedom of only 3 weeks would disappear.  I was also terrified to tell my family and friends.  I was brought up in a family where you don't get divorced and you certainly don't have a baby out of wedlock.  How could I tell my parents who I adore and who were still getting over the fact that I was divorced, that I was now pregnant and going to have the baby on my own.  I love my parents with all my heart and the thought of disappointing them is worse then any other pain I've ever felt.  I should of known better.  I sent my Dad an e-mail because I couldn't bring myself tell him over the phone without crying. He rang me and said "Many years ago your mother and I decided not to have anymore children and then in 1971 your Mum told me she was pregnant, several months later you were born.  There are no mistakes".

My Mum started showing signs of early onset dementia and was diagnosed at 68 with alzheimers.  The baby has been a blessing and she makes my Mum smile.  Mum's disease has now progressed and she cannot be left alone any longer, my Dad cares for her so tenderly however he needs help. I have decided to move home to care for my parents.  My 16 yr old and 11yr old are not happy about the move but they understand.  Both of my exes have threatened court action to stop me but haven't followed through.  I know I'm doing the right thing by moving, I just feel incredibly overwhelmed by the whole thing.  Renting my home out here, packing, finding a rental down there, finances, everything. Today and last week I had skin cancer spots cut out. I'm just so tired.

Thanks for this space to share xo

[White_Rose]

Dear Ohme

You have had a rough time and my heart aches for you.  It sounds as though your move back home will be good for you. Your children will be able to say goodbye to their grandmother but in the meantime having them and the babt around will be good for her. Together, you and your father can care for and support each other as well as the rest of the family.

Just a comment here about your ex-partners. Have you had independent legal advice that you cannot move away from them? If not then I would pursue this for your own sake. I'm fairly sure that it is not correct, but then I am not a lawyer. People move away for all sorts of reasons and take their children with them.  I presume you have custody of the children?

I am a little condused . You say you are moving home and I presumed you meant to go and live in your parent's home. But then you say you will be looking for a rental house. Can you live in your parent's home for a little while until you are more settled?

I strongle urge you to get a referral to another psychologist when you return home. You have been through so much that longer term counseling may be a good option. Anxiety and depression are bad enough, but I am wondering if you now also have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) brought on by the abuse from both exs.

I am really pleased you have been able to make a decision for your own good and not to pacify others. Your children will understand and I hope they will continue to support you.

Please write in again and tell us how you are going.

Mary

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for taking the time to talk with me on here, I have isolated myself socially for so long now that I do not have anyone to talk to and this helps me to not feel so alone. 

I have sought legal advice regarding me moving away and my solicitor told me that because of my parents situation and because they have no one else to help them, as well as the fact that the older children hardly ever see their Dad even though he only lives 10 minutes away, I can move and the courts wont stop me.  However if it is taken to court I have to provide medical evidence of my mother's condition detailing the high level of support she will need.  I can do this however I truly hope I don't have to go through the court process as it is so stressful.

I can't live with my parents as their house is too small for the four of us to move in and the kids and I need our own space anyway.  My parent s are quite set in their ways and having me and the three kids move in would throw a spanner in the works for them, especially with a toddler :)))

To be honest I came on this site because I was looking for answers.  I know I have a  lot going on however I feel I'm through the worst of it all so I am confused as to why I feel so low and sad at the moment.  It's been going on for weeks, I have zero energy and its a struggle just to do housework or go to the shops.  I keep crying for no apparent reason and wish I could just stay in my bedroom all day. I have to pack and sort everything out ready to move and I just feel so overwhelmed by the task.  I think I am feeling sorry for myself but I cant seem to shake it off.  I miss my Mum, I could always talk to her when I needed someone and she was my sanity but now she is just a shell and when she looks at me now her eyes seem vacant. T

Today I went to the chemist and got the naturopath to mix me up a tincture that will give me an energy boost.  It works on the adrenals.  I came home and cleaned the floors, did some washing and sorted through the babies toys (she has so many so I'm donating half of them to the op shop).  I have decided to make a list of things I need to do to get ready to move and try and do something on the list each day.

You were right about choosing carefully who to confide in.  Thank you for your wise words.

[White_Rose]

Hello Ohme

Despite your depression you are making progress on your upcoming move. I understand how hard it is and especially about the desire to stay in bed. Of course when you have children that's impossible so well done for keeping on with your life.

It's good that your are aware of your rights. I suggest you keep a record of the dates and times the children's father visits them. If he makes a fuss you will have the evidence to show that he does not follow through with demands for access.

Yes, having your own home is probably better than staying with your parents. As you say, you both need your own space. It is sad that your mother's illness has progressed so far that she cannot remember you properly. My mother died on Christmas Day 1999 and I still miss her enormously, especially when I am feeling down. Moms are really special people and you are special to your children. I think it's only when we become adults that we truly recognise our moms.

You have worked through the events in your life and made a final decision to start again. This means leaving the familiar territory, including the exs, to a largely unknown future. So you are anxious about the future but also grieving for the losses in your life, even if it is a relief to be free.  This is a huge amount to get through on your own so be gentle with yourself. Tears are a way to relieve the tension and despite comments about being a sook, they are good for you.

Tiredness and tears are part of depression which is why I urge you to get some counseling when you move. Not sure if you want to return to your previous GP near your parents. You can find a GP by scrolling to the bottom of the page and clicking on Find a Professional. You can search by postcode. These GPs are listed because they have experience with managing mental health issues. So find yourself a GP and possibly a psychologist and start healing. As the ad says, it won't happen overnight but it will happen.

I am happy to talk with you for as long as you want.

Mary

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for being here to talk to me about what's happening in my life, it's so nice to connect with someone and say how I'm actually feeling without feeling guilty about it.  It's strange how we feel guilty for feeling depressed or anxious, I guess its almost a type of conditioning we experience in our society where we are supposed to present as happy and capable and if your not feeling that then somehow you have failed.

I'm sorry your Mum passed on Christmas day, that must of been so difficult and would have such an impact on all of your Christmas's now as anniversaries are so emotional particularly the anniversary of someone's passing.  I'm sure your Mum would be proud of her daughter for reaching out and helping complete strangers like me to feel better about themselves.  I would be proud of my daughter for being so kind. 

I have been down and visited schools and real estates where mum and Dad are last week.  We enrolled my daughter in school and netball.  It was nice to have a road trip with my 11 year old, I let her control the music all the way and we sang and smiled a lot. I am now waiting anxiously to hear if I have been approved for a rental property or not. I applied for 4 and so far have been rejected for 1.  I am worried that because I am a sole parent I will be passed over for a couple.  I feel like I have to plead my case and say that I will never get behind in my rent and that I will keep the house spotless but I don't want to beg, I just hope my application stands up on its own.  I would be the perfect tenant if they just give me the chance.  I am renting my own house out up here so I know the value of being and having a good tenant.  I am trying to keep busy and distract myself from the overwhelming thoughts that keep threatening to swallow me up.  Just one step at a time.  Pack one box, then the next, Tick one more thing off my to do list, get out of bed before 8am regardless of what time I got to sleep the night before, get outside for some sun and fresh air, read something positive, cook, clean, wash, ANYTHING to keep the monster from catching up to me...

[White_Rose]

Dear Ohme

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm sure it's a struggle with all the work to be done before you move. Keep reminding yourself that you are progressing, however small the steps.

I remember going on long drives with my children. We did not have the radio on but we sang songs much of the time. Great stuff, great memories.

It's unfortunate about discrimination against sole parents. Very difficult to prove. Some agents believe children will always wreck a home and of course it happens. Others wonder if the parent, especially if a woman, will be able to do the small jobs around the house. But surprisingly many agents like families as they believe a family is less likely to move on quickly. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

You appear to have some good coping strategies to stop the constant whirl of thoughts. Be careful not to exhaust yourself in the process.

I think many of your cares will go once you move house and settle down. Although your mom may no longer recognise you I think you will find it comfortable to sit with her and talk about the past.  She may remember some of this as the oldest memories go last. In any event it will be good to just be with her and your dad.

Once you have settled in and the work of moving is over you may start grieving for the life you have lost. This is natural so do not second guess yourself and start thinking you have made the wrong decision. The grief will pass.

I am really pleased you are getting on with your life. Write as often as you can.

Cheers

Rosslyn

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi White Rose,

Thanks for your response.  What you wrote about grieving what I have lost up here really struck a cord as I have been worried about that however I know that "this too shall pass".  I have been telling myself that change is really the only constant that I can depend upon and this helps put things into perspective for me. 

I was approved for a rental property, two actually which was a relief as I had a choice. I have decided to sell my house up here as the market is good at the moment and it takes the pressure off me with regard to paying rent and a mortgage.  I was really scared of the tenant getting behind on the rent resulting in me not being able to pay my mortgage so now I have taken away that problem by selling.  I have been madly cleaning and packing and this has enabled me to get out of my head however I am so tired and achy and still not sleeping.  Tomorrow I'm having a break and taking my 2 year old out for the day to have some fun.  My parents are so happy I'm moving home which makes me feel good.

I'm scared of how I will feel when we get there and all the unpacking is done.  I think I will refocus my energy on finding a new part time job.  My ex has been giving me a very hard time and being very nasty so it will be a huge relief to be living 8 hours away from him.  I have blocked his emails so he can no longer send me nasty messages.  He has even been messaging my Dad and giving him a hard time as he knows that is one way to get to me, by attacking my family.  My Dad said to never respond and just ignore him, as its worse to engage with him in any way and only perpetuates the situation. I know its good advice.  I wish he would just focus on his own life and forget I even exist.