Feel like anxiety is ruining what I've set up for myself and creating difficult decisions

RootinTootin · ‎07-09-2019

I recently got diagnosed with GAD and depression. I've had symptoms for a while but I recently moved country and started a postgraduate course, and the stress of this, along with leaving family and friends back home, really brought everything to a head and I essentially had a breakdown. I struggled to look after myself, couldn't sleep and had some really dark thoughts.

I've been seeing a counsellor for around 2 months now, and started antidepressants 2 and a half weeks ago. My best friend also arrived last week. It doesn't feel like it on a daily basis but I have made progress from where I was.

I guess the reason I'm posting is because I'm not sure whether anxiety is causing me to get really stressed about my current situation, or whether the postgrad course is causing the anxiety. My mental health is awful right now and I have been tempted to sack it all in and return home. But that means leaving my partner here, my best friend, and leaving the course. Due to visa reasons, I don't think I can stay in the country if I quite the course. So far I've really not enjoyed the course and it has caused me a lot of anxiety, but then I am only 2 months in and everyone I have spoken to/read says that the first few months are overwhelming and hard, and everyone says to push on through.

I just feel like my anxiety and depression has got me in a horrible situation where I'm not enjoying my days, but that if I quit I have to leave the country due to visa reasons, which makes me feel kind of trapped?

I feel like I should keep taking it day by day and give it more time, but in my head I don't know if I can do this and the daily battle against anxiety and depression is exhausting.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice, and I just wanted to get it off my chest and talk about it.

Thanks for reading!

romantic_thi3f · ‎09-09-2019

Hi Rootin' Tootin,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here and sharing what's happening. I'm really glad that it helped to get it off your chest 🙂 Feel free to post anytime!

I'm not sure that I have any advice for you - it sounds very much like a chicken and egg situation - postgrad causing anxiety / anxiety over postgrad. There's every possibility that it could be both. I think the postgrad alone is bound to cause some anxiety in people, but there's probably a big spectrum as to how much anxiety and how debilitating it can be.

What I can say though is that the postgrad is the experience, and the anxiety is what you have control over. So while the nature of the course probably causes anxiety (like the deadlines), there's probably a certain amount that's self-inflicted too. I mean that in a way of if you were to find ways to manage your own anxiety, the way you feel about the course and how impacted you are by it would probably change significantly.

Is this something that you've discussed with your counsellor? They obviously know you much more than we ever will so hopefully they can give you some words of wisdom!

Good luck with whatever you decide 🙂

RT

RootinTootin · ‎11-09-2019

Hi,

Thank you for the reply 🙂

That's a good way of looking at it- I feel like if I can get out of this rut and negative thought loops I might be able to enjoy it, or at least give it more time! Most of it is probably self-inflicted. My counsellor says I have very low self-worth, so even though my academic supervisor tells me I'm doing fine etc I still feel like I'm falling behind! I'm not sure academia and anxiety are the best combination!

I have a counselling session on Friday so hopefully that can help me talk through some issues. I am thinking of taking it back to basics in the session because I feel like I haven't made much progress with him and the session helps initially but then its weeks until my next one and I get back into the rut!

Thanks!

romantic_thi3f · ‎12-09-2019

Hi Rootin' Tootin,

That's no worries! It's good to hear back from you and I'm glad it was helpful 🙂

That makes total sense! One thing that I just thought of is that if you aren't already, it might be worth looking to see if there's any counsellors based at the Uni? Often they have free support services and they would probably be able to see you much more regularly than once a month. Honestly once a month feels like far too long!

and finally - I wonder if your counsellor has suggested any self-help resources? Mindspot comes to mind although there are so many out there. It's obviously not the same as seeing someone in person, but it can help between those gaps and prevent you from getting stuck in a rut!

Hope your next appointment with the counsellor is helpful and better than the last one

RT

RootinTootin · ‎21-09-2019

Hi there,

Sorry I forgot to check this for a while!

Hm I'm not sure what the situation is because I am currently seeing the counsellor provided by the university... you get 6-8 free sessions which is a great thing they do, and after that you have to change to a different person and you get 10 more sessions but over a year...

I will check out mindspot! Also heard of mind gym I think it's called.

I have been doing a bit of reflection recently and I think the anxiety comes from not thinking im good enough to do the postgraduate research. Because I don't think I will be able to manage it, I then don't want to do it, which then causes all of these issues with leaving the country if I don't do it etc.

But the good news is that compared to a month or two ago I'm in a much better position! Still around a 5/10, but its better than a 1!

Thanks again for the replies 🙂