Feel Like A Fake

[NextStage]

So 1st time poster, day 3 (3rd anxiety episode in 5 years) on anti anxiety meds. This attack was far worse than the other 2 times & I have no idea what has triggered although I feel a change in life status has contributed. My child turned 18 & finished school in 2016. For all his school life I made myself available to assist him in school/sports routine whilst juggling full time work and co parenting. Naturally I mingled happily with other parents but never developed any lasting friendships, in fact I sometimes dreaded attending because I could hardly relate to them/their circumstances and/or preferred my own space/hanging out with my husband/husbands family and a few people from work/previous employment. Out of all my friends, only 3 are partnered, the rest are single of various ages and 1/3 I currently work with - I did not seem to have the need to socialise outside of work or if I did it was only occasionally/spasmodically until recently just before New Years 16/17. I woke up feeling disconnected from myself and my life. For days afterward I would wake-up crying & feeling sick for no reason except for feeling terrible, a sense of dread, that life has passed me by and that I cannot go back, relive or change things and options that might be available in my 20's/30's are not options now. My husband has been a great support & sounding board - even coming with me to the Dr. I reached out to a couple of trusted friends and told them what was happening prior to going back on to meds and they have been great, T-ing up going out socially and getting exercise, but I still feel isolated and on auto pilot, during the week not really wanting to do much but get home (1hr away), whilst on the weekends wondering if this is how the rest of my life is going to be. I have no drive anymore and wish I had other people to talk to in the same life status as me. My older sister is interstate (10yrs+) very opinionated and we clash thus for my own wellbeing it is better to limit contact. My dad is 90 and has his own health issues to deal with thus I have minimal family support. Am I living a lie?

[Quiettall]

Hello

Can I say firstly how I admire you for posting these thoughts. I am sure many who read this will recognise some of the issues you have mentioned, some of the moods, responses, feelings and fears you have identified. You are not a fake. You have a wonderful husband to support you. You have others who care. But you do not want to burden them with the nitty gritty of what you are going through. That is understandable. However, you need to seek support to help you through this, as you cannot do it alone. It is a terrible thing, which unless it is treated, can totally mentally and physically cripple you.

Take care, thank you for posting, and keep sharing through more posts, and let others around you support you as they want to. At least you have others who care for you and respect you

[Nikkir]

Hi NextStage,

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your life, it really resonated with me and I really feel for you and all including myself who may feel the same way. As I was reading your post except for a few details eg. I am similar and don't really have much social connection, I am feeling exactly the same way. My kids have left home and I am mid 40's even though I used to think I would enjoy this 2nd stage in my life I am completely lost and I have no drive or passion anymore and its the weirdest thing I have ever experienced and I can't even remember when it started. I hear you, at least you have your partner and some social connections to walk with but I agree it seems to be a personal journey more for women I have noticed. I saw on a Dr Phil or something that it is because we have our life mapped out and now we finish our duties early and all the pages are blank and we don't know what to fill them with??? I am happy that your medication is working and thank God you can have some peace:) In my experience of trying to navigate this unchartered and frightening terrain in my own life I first have had to try to accept that this is my life, the past is gone and I am no longer the person I was in many ways, physically being definately one. I am trying to find new interests, doing more nurturing yoga and walking, I joined a relaxed walking club once a month and try to give back in some way like this "blue voices' beyond blue and I was going to plant things but it never quite happened lol. When I wake up in the morning I am alone and frightened for my position and have anxiety and hard to breathe so have to get up and move / distract myself. I know this probably won't help but many women go through this mid life stage and I wish i could give you a magic pathway but Im still in the thick of it. Do get the GP to refer you to mental health plan if you want to explore it more with a professional, our number 1300 22 4636 is available and good for resources. I sincerely wish you the best and your post has actually helped me so thank you. We can do this !!! Nikkir x