Engagement Nightmare

[SSJ]

The other day was my engagement party. Something that I was looking forward to but also dreading.

On the lead up to this I have had many issues at work regarding an ex-employee making false accusations about my company and myself. It has cost a lot of money and time and emotional distress, cased by someone once called a friend.

Engagement party was going fine, until I had to give a speech. Just thanks for coming, that type of thing. Well I had told everyone I did not want to do a speech and I was not expecting to have to. Until the microphone was handed to me.. I ended up rambling in front of everyone I know about nothing, stuttering. tried thanking someone for there help and got there name wrong. then tried to correct it and made it worse.

After this I basically through the microphone and ran. I do not remember all of what happened to tell the truth.

I tried to stay calm for the rest of the event but some people did comment on it.

Later at the end of the night I was trying to make a joke but because my mind was locked in fear still I said something completely wrong and then again tried to fix it and said it wrong again.

Since then I have locked myself away in my house in embarrassment and reliving the nightmare in my head over and over.

[JessF]

Hello SSJ, I can feel your pain through the screen! Did you know that this is a really common feeling? I was even reading some time ago that in surveys of people's greatest fears, public speaking comes out above dying. And I know that feeling of freezing if someone hands a microphone to you.

But now, here you are, in the aftermath of feeling embarrassed. It doesn't sound like your speech went as well as you would have liked and you've got this going round and round, broken record style. I imagine those reflections are all about what went wrong and how it all feels like a catastrophe.

At some point, it no longer becomes helpful to just dwell on what has happened already, and I imagine that is why you're posting here.

Anxiety thrives on blowing the consequences of things up to larger than what they are in reality. What do you think the consequences are for what happened at your engagement party? What are the possibilties? Have you spoken to your fiance about all this?

A few questions in there but hopefully you'll come back and give us a bit more context for the situation.

[SSJ]

Hello JessF,

To answer your last question first, she doesn't understand my anxiety at all. I had told her much before the event that I didn't want to speak, so when handed the mic I tried to pass it on to her. (I know public speaking isn't something she fears and have seen her do it many times.) yet she didn't take it from me when I passed over to her. Honestly this frustrates me a lot.

The only real consequence with all of this at the moment is I look and feel like an idiot. I had everyone I know there and all of her family.

I know I have Social Anxiety and have done for some time. I figured this out a couple of years ago now. looking back when I was 17 I dropped out of school, even though I liked school itself and had no issue with anyone. at the time I couldn't put a name to it but now I can, I had all the usual signs, just one example; getting panicked at having people watch me write or figure out a problem.

I have been taking medication for this on and off for the past couple of years which has worked great in most cases, i now no longer have major fears just talking to people or going out so there is progress but I have uncontrollable fear in setting like the engagement.

When I was young about year 5ish - our school went on a field trip to a book convention or something. When we went to sit down, all the chairs had the programs on them. mine had a green sticker and though it weird everything carried on. alittle into the presentation it was called out that anyone that had the stickers on the programs are to come out to the side for a special job. on getting out the door I was told I would be reading the award for some author ON STAGE. I said I didn't want to but they said I had to. So when I had to walk out on stage I froze looking out onto about 400 friends people from different schools, I was young and not done anything like that before. Specially being an introverted child.

Why this story is important is its what comes to mind when I think about the engagement. Its like that all over again!

[JessF]

Hello SSJ, I have memories like that of school years too. I often wonder whether teachers would act differently if they knew the damage they'd be incurring years and years later. Those events at a young age really stick with us, the good and the bad.

One thing I have found helpful when having breakthroughs similar to yours above (remembering an old event that reminds of a current, stressful one) is recognising that feeling for what it is: it's an echo of the past. That's not to say that being handed the microphone at your engagement wasn't a stressful, embarrassing event, it's just saying that your reaction to it has been probably amplified by its emotional connection to that horrible event from your childhood. Sometimes it can help to even put a label on this, something as simple as "Oh that's the green sticker feeling again". It can help give you some distance from it.

You have done a lot of work on your social anxiety by the sounds of things and have a lot of self-awareness. It sounds like you are frustrated at the moment with feeling like you were put into an awkward situation by your fiance, that may not have happened if she understood your anxiety better. How do you think you might handle a situation like this if it comes again in the future?

[JessF]

Oh and I should have said in my first post - congratulations on your engagement!

[Blue_Jane]

Hi SSJ

Congratulations on your engagement. How did the proposal happen?

Because the party was so recent, it is on the top of your mind. It is easy to say but I am sure it was not as bad as you think it was. Everyone comes to an engagement party happy, excited and ready to have a good time.

I am sorry to hear that this has dredged up negative memories for you. Public speaking is something that most of us do not enjoy. Unfortunately I have to do a few presentations for work and it is always a big deal for me. My coping strategies are to get some perspective, ie its not about me, people are there to learn something for themselves, breathing slowly and trying to get some sort of audience involvement by asking a question.

If it makes you feel any better my engagement party wasn't what I had in mind either! It was not about marrying my amazing partner, it was more about making sure everyone had a good time. I ended up not sleeping the night before the party so I was an emotional wreck on the day. I too had to say a few words and a few people asked me to speak up as they couldn't hear me. However time went on and no one has referenced it since!

I think we put too much pressure on ourselves.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Blue Jane

[3cats]

Hi SSJ, you'll probably find that people have forgotten all about it or just thought that you were nervous having to do a speech. You don't need to be worried about anything from that time. I rabbited on at my engagement party when I was handed the mic and did something similar. I laughed it off and people probably thought nothing more of it as I didn't go on about it or kept on reminding people about it. I'm now happily married and have moved on and no one has ever mentioned it again as its long forgotten about.