Don't know how to contain my thoughts OCD and now ROCD

La_ney · ‎05-03-2016

Hey everyone, I recently posted on the Suicidal thoughts part of beyond blue and figured this part may assist me also. This is probably just a compulsion for reassurance but I really need something to help.

I'm 22 years old and I believe I have been suffering from OCD and Anxiety since I was a child, from washing germs on my hands and locking doors etc etc, I don't do those things anymore and I had a pretty peaceful teenage-hood, until late 2012, where my mind was trying to convince me that I would one day become a pedofile, I tried to commit suicide and was bed ridden for weeks, even quit my job. This has subsided, does return occasionally but it dissipates again. But now I also have a mixture of other problems. Currently right now I'm doubting my relationship, like obsessing over whether I love my partner or not, when I know I do, I love him so so much, I couldn't bare to ever hurt him, this has been extremely intensified the past two days, two days ago I was paranoid that I was attracted to everyone and that I would cheat on him and vice versa, I bawled my eyes out all day and today and I still can't get the thoughts out of my head. 3 days ago I was having intrusive thoughts on hurting people violently, and that was also horrible. So I've been through 3 days of hell, but the thoughts run deeper, in 2013 I destroyed my relationship with a combination of these thoughts and the same the year before, so they have come and gone through the years, sometimes closer together or further apart. I've been with my partner for two years and I want to live the rest of my life with him, but these thoughts are getting so intense, I sought out help 3 days ago when the first initial relapse occurred and was provided medication and a referral to a psychologist, but since then, I've hit rock bottom. Does anyone relate to any of this? What did you do?

Polka_Dots · ‎06-03-2016

Hi there,

Thanks for posting.

I will begin this by saying that I am absolutely no expert. I have quite bad social anxiety so I avoid romantic relationships. But I do have a level of OCD so I can sort of relate and I am the master at questioning my social and professional relationships- but just probably for a different reason .

I wonder if it would help if when you are feeling in an OK mood if you wrote a list of objective pros of your relationship? Then when you are having those thoughts you could have a look at them as a reminder. I would see the therapist as soon as possible and also broach in the session discussing your illness with you partner. Then you two could maybe work on a support plan and he may be more understanding of what's going on.

As for violent thoughts. From my experience they aren't good but it's what we do with those thoughts that is most important. Perhaps writing them down may be some release. But make sure you destroy the document straight away so no one gets upset or worse you don't get yourself in hot water. Perhaps type them in a word document and then close it without saving.

I mean if you have doubts down the road because it's not a good relationship that's not working then that needs to be fixed or terminated but if you think it's your mental illness, and right now it sounds like it is, then that is something that can be addressed with careful management. But I do recommend getting your partner involved so they can help. The medication also probably takes at least a few days (maybe weeks even?).

Hang in there!

La_ney · ‎07-03-2016

Hey there,

thanks for replying,

im going to try to see if I can get a referral to a different psychologist today so I can see one sooner.

my relationship is fantastic and he knows about most of the thoughts in my head, i just don't want to hurt his feelings or make him insecure, writing doesn't seem to provide me with much relief, as it just comes back like a merry go round, but it's only been happening 3 days now with the same thoughts (I had different thoughts prior) so it might dissipate soon like the other thoughts do, and this time I'm not sure if it's the meds making it worse, but will speak to the doctor today about it. It's day 5.

Bluey_moon · ‎15-03-2016

La_ney,

how are you going now? I can totally relate.

I have never had Ocd in the classic sense, germs, locks ect. But since about 2 years after the birth of my first child I have had GAD and the proffesionals say pure Ocd thinking patterns or Ocd tendencies.

I have experienced intrusive thoughts (of which there are quite a few helpful threads on here), of the violent nature and others such as health based, thinking I or my children or husband had a disease or severe mental illness ect.

i have good and bad days. I take medication and see a Psycologist and my local mental health team at the hospital and my gp. Slowly I'm getting there.

Talk to your partner! See if you can see someone, sooner rather than later, and remember you aren't alone

skye

ps thoughts are not actions, the fact these thoughts distress you prove that you intend not to act on them!