Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Apologies, I replied to you yesterday, but for some reason my post disappeared??

I can hear that things are getting difficult at the moment. Although I'm glad you made it to your GP appointment. I saw in another of your posts that you have a carer who goes with you to appointments etc. Is that right?

I know you're thinking that it would be easier to stay at home, and to stay away from people. This is just the illness talking, which is why it doesn't sound like you. You are a very gentle, sensitive, and compassionate person.

This is one of those times when you need to keep fighting, otherwise all the efforts you have made up until this point will be meaningless. 

Let the fear be your driving force, write a letter to it if you have to, telling it that you aren't accepting it's invitation for company. I know you know that if you stay home, don't go to work, and isolate then the fear and anxiety will just get worse - not better.

We are all here for you, so post as often as you need to - but don't give up. The fact that you are reaching out to us tells me that there's still a tiny glimmer of hope deep within you that just wants to be recognised and heard.

Play music like there's no tomorrow, let it all out in the music.

Don't forget the medication increases will make you feel worse before you start to improve, so this won't last forever. Every minute as it comes, there's not much point in thinking too far ahead.

Sending you lots of hugs x

Amber : )

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

I hope your feeling well and thanks for the hugs.

The old guy that helps me just does every Friday when I need to go to the local Post Shop. Sometimes I need help getting my card into the eftpos machine to pay the bills cause of shaking so hard.

It makes me feel useless and not worthy of being here like I'm taking up space for no reason. Seeing someone I knew on Friday was terrifying. I had to get home fast and lock myself in. I don't like Fridays much anymore.

I admit I am at a loss and unsure of how to proceed, but I will try to not give up and follow some of your advice. I haven't played music for days so I might give it a go today.Thanks for caring and your never ending encouragement. You just refuse to give up on me don't you? Seems like I will have to keep fighting.

-Aggy.

[Asche]

Sorry I haven't said anything, things've been getting a little hectic lately. I have been reading whenever I could just to keep up though.

I must confess; agoraphobia and anxiety aren't my field of expertise. My experience was always with depression, with the anxiety being this growth that metastasized off of my ongoing issues. In any case, my anxiety was never as bad as your agoraphobia (although, being a lifelong introvert I've never been a social butterfly) so I don't know how effective my input can be.

A while back I set myself a particular goal, one that I decided to devote the entirety of my existence to, the one thing I want to attain at all costs, that means more to me than anything. And when I have to confront something I'm terrified by (e.g. going into a job interview), or I need to find the motivation to force myself into doing something, I remind myself why I need to be doing it, of the role it plays in the "big picture" of me getting closer to that goal. I don't know if it will work for you, but I think you need to do something like that too; not necessarily the "goal" part of that, but I think every time you feel tempted to barricade yourself shut at home, you need to keep in mind that every second you spend outside is a victory, is a step that gets you closer towards recovery. I'm not going to insist that you spend as much time outside as you can. but perhaps the next time you feel that impulse, you could time yourself for say, 10 seconds, before you retreat. And maybe the next time, try to resist for 11 seconds, keeping in mind that you did it with 10 seconds before, and 11 seconds is only 1 second more. And so on, just to give yourself a sense of progression.

I don't know how much help I've been, but in any case, my thoughts are with you.

[CMF]

Hi Aggy

sorry for my ignorance I just read up on agoraphobia as I didn't fully understand what it is. You are pretty amazing. From reading your thread and despite what you are dealing with I see positive comments from you, hope, belief that you will get through this and on top of this you try to help others. Wow! Anxiety is awful it's debilitating I know. You are doing what you can to heal yourself. Read up on Inositol, it's helped me. You are a gracious caring person and you will beat this. 

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

No, no signs of me giving up in the near and distant future. You're the one doing all the hard work, so supporting you is easy:)

I'm not even going to suggest online bill payments, because if paying your bills gets you out of the house then I'm all for it. What a kind soul to help you on Fridays. 

I can't recall if I ever suggested for you to take a look at any of the resources or individual workbooks related to panic attacks/anxiety on The Centre for Clinical Intervention website? If not, it's worth checking out. Did I also recommend the book "The Brain that Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge? It's a fascinating read, I just heard back from someone who just finished it, and they spoke really highly of it, and so do I. Norman Doidge actually has his own website if you want to find out more.

May I ask what the fear is about when you see someone you know? Are they a real or imaginary threat? Did going home and locking yourself in actually help? Has this technique helped you to see someone you know next time? What else could you have done?

Hope you have managed to play some music today. I was chatting with a young girl earlier who writes down all of her thoughts and feelings. Do you write? I wonder whether you could turn any of your writing into songs?

I guess when you're feeling lost and overwhelmed it would be worthwhile reading back through your thread and picking out some advice or suggestions others have shared that may be helpful for you. 

Glad you're not giving up just yet. How is the new dose of medication going?

Amber 

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

We haven't heard from you for a couple of days so I just wanted to check in and see how you are going?

Hope to hear back from you, and by all means you don't need to post everyday, but just wanted to make sure you are ok.

Amber

[Aggy]

Hi Asche.

I hope you're doing well.

Thanks for you encouragement, I'm not going so well lately but I will be right.

Things seem to be getting worse but I will try and get out side a little at a time. I see your point about achieving goals, no matter how small. It can be very difficult to do, that's all. I can feel it upsetting me right now just thinking about it.

You are a great help Asche and thanks. Anything I can read that's positive right now is good.

-Aggy

[Aggy]

Hi Can't move forward.

I hope everything is going well for you.

Don't worry about not knowing about agoraphobia cause I have it and I still don't know what it is. Every day I find something new and it is never good. Thanks for thinking that I'm amazing but sorry, It's just not true.

I'm just a bit stubborn at times, that's why I'm not ready to give up.

Thanks for your kind words, anything positive is great right now.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Amber. I am ok.

Thought I better check in. I didn't think you were going to give up that easy.I hope that things are going great for you.

I have some books here but am unable to read them as I cant concentrate properly. Things have not gone well in the last week. I missed work every day. I could not do the post office thing on Friday. I have not picked up a guitar for a fortnight.

I am cant to go into many details here but other problems are beginning to surface now and I am really struggling to understand what's happening.

The fear I go through outside has many sides. I just don't like people looking at me. I am afraid of being put down or embarrassed or recognised. With places like supermarkets, its people and not being able to get out fast. Big places = not good.

I am becoming worse now with strange behaviour to avoid certain things that could set off an anxiety attack. I wont answer the door now, there is a two digit number that upsets me now?. Some music makes me panic. Some words and sayings are to much, and other stuff I won't mention is not right.

The medication is messing me up big time and the GP had doubled the antidepressants. I go back in  a few days. Looks like the old Aggy is up against it here but I will try to check in and say hi. It's after midnight so my demons and I are going to try and sleep a bit now.

I hope you are really well Amber, thanks for posting and don't worry. I be ok.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Hope you got some sleep, and by some small miracle your demons woke up through the night and decided to go on holiday without you:))

I hope today has been a better day for you. Things have been a bit up and down for me, but I'm just taking it one day at a time. 

Sorry you missed work and the post office. Do you think you will be able to go into work tomorrow? The 2 digit number is a bit odd, but I think with mental illness just about anything is possible. If you think it might be the medication change that's causing extra issues, definitely talk about this with the Dr. I'm going into hospital in a week so I can change medication. I hate doing it at home because the withdrawals and the side effects are usually pretty crippling.

You mentioned not being able to listen to certain music, you haven't picked up your guitar, your struggling to read. So what sort of things have you gotten up to this weekend?

I've had a lazy couple of days, but this is a pretty big achievement for me, because I used to get this massive feeling of guilt when I wasn't being productive. So there is still hope.

Ok so this one's for you today - in the spirit of being an angel - I thought a bit of encouragement might be nice.

Did you ever feel a tiny raindrop

trickle down from the sky

and land upon your cheek

when there is no rain in sight,

and wonder where it came from

when the day is sunny and bright?

Did you ever hear someone

clearly call out your name,

and when you turned to look

there’s not a familiar face

anywhere around

and wonder where it came from,

when the voice was there

without an ounce of doubt?

The answer is quite simple you see,

Angels are every where

watching over you and me.

Though at times we don’t feel

a presence at our side;

Angels are always there

morning, noon and night

in the most mysterious of ways

looking after us forever and always.

Sending you many hugs, take each minute as it comes. Only do what you think you can manage, and don't feel guilty for the rest.

Amber