Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Thanks for getting back to me. Thanks for the advice. You're right about the trust in a partner. I spoke with my boyfriend and was pleasantly surprised by his response. He doesn't expect me to work, and wants me to use this opportunity to really get well. 

I like how you go from "I couldn't go into work"  to "I am weak, hopeless, and not strong at anything".  Firstly that's a huge leap, and a huge generalisation. You just gave me some really good advice, you play amazing music on your guitar, you actually have a job, you help others here, others find your posts interesting enough to read...Do I need to go on? The illness doesn't want you to believe it, but you have so many great qualities, you have a lot going for you. I'd call having a job one step ahead of me;)

You may have already told me, but what state do you live in? 

Will you follow up with your Psychologist? 

How will you get to your Dr appointment?  By doing some deep breathing, some relaxation, mindfulness, and taking one step at a time. Reminding yourself that no one really cares about your panic,  they're all too busy worrying about themselves.  I have faith in you, so much so that I want to know how you got on with your Dr appt tomorrow;)

Thanks again Aggy.

AGrace

[Aggy]

Dear Amber.

It's great to hear that you don't have to worry that your partner doesn't resent you for not working and just wanting you to get well. Support is what we need, and it seems like you have it which sounds nice.

Work is getting harder strangely enough, I am starting to struggle and spoke to my boss 2 days ago about taking time off. I need to get my head together.

Yes I will follow up with the Psychologist, I owe it to myself to do everything these medical people want as I have no idea of what's happening to me and need to fix my broken brain.

I have been up since 4 am worrying about the stupid appointment. I am in East Victoria in a country town. It is a 5 minute drive to get to the GP but I will have to leave earlier because it may take up to 30 mins for me to get there. I have to pull over a lot cause driving and going into town both terrify me.

Thanks for your concern, it's good to hear from you and I hope you are going well. I will let you know how I went today.

-Aggy. 

[Chloekat84]

Yeh my mates are pretty supportive. Well this one in particular is as we've been friends for years so know each other pretty well. She actually understands more than family which is weird as my family have been through depression and anxiety as well. Well one half of my family isnt as supportive as the other anyways. One day u will be able to accomplish something like riding on a train im sure of it. Until next time take it easy x

[Aggy]

Hi Chloekat.

It's great that you have someone that supports and understands you. That sounds very comforting. Thanks for your confidence that I will be able to ride on a train one day.

I dont think it will be soon though, I don't know why, but I shake and get upset when I hear the train coming into town at the moment.

Nice to hear from you and I hope you are doing well.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

We are all here to support you.

East Victoria, so is that like the Gippsland Region? I'm guessing it's freezing where you are. I hate Melbourne for that one reason, if I could I'd live somewhere really warm. I lived for 6 months in Brisbane and I loved it...sadly work relocated me. Do you ever get down to Melbourne?

So the all impending question...How did you go with your GP Appointment? I'm already guessing that you made it there and back:)

I don't think your brain is broken, it just needs a bit more nurturing. I hope you will go back to the Psychologist. Do you also use the anxietycoach website? It's got some pretty good info about Agoraphobia and ways to work with panic attacks, as well as the misconceptions around having a "safe zone" where you think you are protected.

I can understand you wanting to take time off work, as long as you are going to use this time to seek help. It would be more detrimental to you to avoid work just for the sake of being able to be home where you feel most comfortable.

Did you ever manage to read any of Jacques threads?

AGrace

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Well I made it to the GP. He was not happy when I arrived. I have lost weight and looked terrible since he saw me a month ago, along with the shaking of course.

He upped my 'calm down pills' that are now 2.5 times stronger than what I was taking. He seemed rather concerned and I have to go back on Monday. Now I am worried he is going to want to admit me into the hospital. I am also worried about going back on Monday as it took so much just getting there today.

Oh well, i'ts all in the name of getting better than I am now so I will make every effort.

I hope you are well and having a good day.

-Aggy. 

[AGrace]

Aggy I hope you're getting some of this sun:)

I think it's a good thing that your Dr is showing concern, it's much better than no one wanting to do anything for you. I know it must have been tough getting there, but you did do it, and you survived.

Hopefully the increased dosage will start having an effect soon. I know you will try really hard to go back on Monday. It might be difficult to believe but the more frequently you go the easier it will get. The more you stay at home the less comfortable you will be going out. Perhaps try not to think about Monday all weekend, otherwise it will probably just increase the worry and panic. What do you usually do over the weekend?

I just had my parents here last night and this morning. I have a bit of a love hate relationship with them, so I honestly don't like spending time with them. The amount of times my dad said you look really good, you look happy, as long as your happy, I just wanted to slap him and say no thanks to you. Besides the only reason I look happy around them is because I don't talk to them anymore about my illnesses. 

The funniest part was when I suggested to my dad to try and get carer's allowance for my mum and my mum said "we've already tried, but we'd need to get a letter from your Psychiatrist." I was like "WHAT THE HELL? I don't mean for me, you don't care for me, we only see each other once a month!!!" Seriously I think they're on another planet! 

Glad to bid them farewell;)

Hope you're enjoying the day.

Amber

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Hope you are well.

After a weekend of worry, I made it to the GP again today. Couldn't get to work though. Trying to get down the street is so hard, I'm a wreck by the time I get to the GP. I don't think I will be able to go out much longer. I am getting more afraid each time.

He has doubled the strength of the anti depressants and still concerned about the way I'm going. It seems I am losing a few kilos a month now and not going to well.

Sorry to hear about your relationship with your parents. Try to remember that a lot of people don't know how to handle or talk to anyone with a mental health issue. They might mean well, but don't realise that what they say can be harmful sometimes. They must love you or they would'nt come to visit at all.

I have'nt played music for days, it feels like real world things are starting to slip away from me now as I sink further into this illness. It is consuming me and i running low on strength.

Gotta go noe as im to tired to type and cant see the puter very good.

cacth up agan soon..

-aggy..

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Thanks for getting back to me, and thanks for your concern. I had a lousy night last night because it was my first night alone, as my partner has gone away for work. I spent most of the night managing self harm urges and crying. I didn't sleep much.

This morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed. It was so difficult to get motivated so I told myself I couldn't go to the bathroom unless I had a shower, and if I had a shower I could have some chocolate. I know it sounds funny but it worked. I feel like I'm a chiold sometimes because I have to give myself consequences and rewards in order to get the simplest of things done. Anyway suffice to say I showered. I then decided to go into the city (again using consequence and reward) so I could get some things for my sensory room.

I discovered sensory rooms at my most recent hospital admission, and decided I needed one in my own home. It's basically a space or a room where you have lots of materials to engage your senses. So it's encouraging mindfulness using the 5 senses. I have things like hand cremes, chocolate, a CD player, candles, a lamp, books in there. It's been on my list of things to do for a few months.

I hear that your GP has once more increased the dose of your medication. Don't forget it could be these changes that are making you feel worse before better. Did he mention anything about hospital? Do you know why you are losing weight? Are you eating properly? What has happened with the Psychologist?

I know it's getting really hard, but you can still do this. Maybe you want to try the consequence and reward method too:)) The worst thing you could possibly do now is surrender and stay home. As soon as you do you wont want to go back out again, and that's not at all good for you. Nor will it help the panic attacks.

Try to go to work tomorrow, even if you only last a few hours. Make another appointment with your GP if you haven't already, so you know you must go back.

Oh and play some music. Play like there's no tomorrow, Just get all your frustration and discomfort out in your music.

Tomorrow I want to hear all of your achievements. Rest up and take care:)

Amber (The demanding one, only because i know you can do it:))

[Aggy]

Just a general post to no one in particular.

I am becoming more afraid of anxiety/depression everyday now. I don't think I can go outside much longer as agoraphobia is winning the battle. I am trying to fight but running out of overall strength. I'm exhausted.

The demons in my head are pushing me to my limit and unsure how long I am able to defend myself against them.

I now have dark terrible thoughts and scared of them taking over. I dont want to see me or anyone get hurt. It feels so wrong as I consider myself to be gentle person.

It feels better to get it out and sorry for being so down to anyone that bothers to read this but sometimes it hard to go on.

-Aggy

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