Do we care or do we not care ?

[IsaJett]

I have been seeing a guy who is younger than I am ..everything is so so sweet ..until he mentioned one time that he feels that he thinks people are judging him or us ..when we go out .

i was mortified ...because I was never one to care what others thought ...cos I got my own life to live and it isn’t anybodys business . I learned these a while ago ..people are gonna judge you regardless ..that’s what people do . So you would do your head in if you cared at all about what anybody thought . I got that down pad ..but my boyfriend was like so distraught by it , and I was so taken back because I was oblivious to how he was suffering .

i told him how I viewed it in the hope of him being able to get another perspective ..so he doesn’t feel so judged..cos that sounds really painful for him , he felt that it’s important that I know how he’s feeling about it , and I’m glad he did ..because I was absolutely clueless...thinking omg what’s the big deal ...we just go out get some dinner. ....but apparently it is a BIG deal to him ..he hides it rather well ...times when we out ..I thought oh he’s very quiet but at times he just looks like he doesn’t want to be there ,

so I am just in a world of pain for him ...because I don’t care about what others think ...but he does. He would say ..he doesn’t care either ..but clearly he does ..hAha

i harped on it a little while as I wanted him to see it my way ,..and then I realise he gonna have to do this on his own .

its not even just the age gap thing ...it’s everything ..people judge or so we think ...but whatever the case is ,..we just cannot care ..we have to choose not to care ..so we can operate normally .

Hmm just a rant session ..anyone feel the same ..would love to hear similar survivor stories .

i thought he wanted to end the relationship and freaked out until I realise he is in a way opening up to me and I can’t just go all personal on him ..cos it isn’t about me ..it’s about him and how he thinks the world views him .

[CherryRed]

What is the age difference?

[IsaJett]

9 years

[IsaJett]

But even if it were more or less ...it’s irrelevant because I think it’s the two people involved ..if that makes sense

[CherryRed]

I personally think 9 years is neither here nor there. Maybe different if you were 70 and he was 22, know what I mean?

Did you ask him why he feels judged, when most people are oblivious?

My ex-brother-in-law married a woman who was about 10 years older than him. They're still married 30+ years later. His brother and I are long divorced.

[IsaJett]

He said in normal circumstance when he is out alone ..he wouldn’t draw attention to himself ...he’s very low key ...he is a homebody and very studious ..the times we were out was early days and I am quite bubbly in nature ,.so I just thought he was shy ..so as I understand he doesn’t want to stop me being me ..and I just said when out with me ..I be an element he can’t really control ... I really don’t think anyone was judging but he said to me that he stills remember the peoples faces ...but all I remember is me out with him having a fun time , ,lol I totally didn’t know he had so much struggle ...and I feel badly too for him

[IsaJett]

I know it has taken a lot for him to tell me this as he is very introverted ..but that’s also the main reason I love the guy ..so I gotta take the good and the bad ..cos I ain’t perfect either

[CherryRed]

Ok, so maybe it's not the age difference. Sounds like you're an extrovert and shine brightly when out. I have a daughter like you, she just expands in company and gets more gregarious with that energy. Like...a lot of people would shy away from a microphone or speaches...she's more 'hand me the microphone' lol.

Your boyfriend could be an introvert like me. I can only describe it from my side. Social interactions suck energy from us. A work Christmas party can see me drained afterwards, and need downtime to recover. No judgement from either side. One gets more energised from social contact, the other needs serious recovery time to recharge batteries. It doesn't mean we can't handle the moment, we just need time on the charger afterwards.

For me personally, doesn't matter if it's my beloved children or people I adore, it just sucks my energy. I let them be them, and I be me.

[IsaJett]

Yeah that’s great ...I’m not that extroverted ...it’s been circumstantial that I got that way ..I rather prefer to be an introvert ...that’s why I really love his company ..yeah I suck out his energy for sure ,.he has said he needs to recover from me..hahaah I am mindful that I would ..but I am definitely way chatty and bubbly ,.very easily drain any introvert ..hahaah

Thanks for your advice ..he did say to me ..he doesn’t want me to change just for me to know that he feels how he feels .

The very initial moment I heard it ,.i thought he wanted to end it ...I jumped to conclusions ..but he said he needed it said out then keeping it in ,

[CherryRed]

It's so great he told you. Don't stop being you, don't diminish yourself or manage down your expectations. I think we do that too much.

Acceptance goes both ways. I'd honour a partner who takes the microphone, so to speak, and understands that is not the way I naturally am.