Depersonalization and existential anxiety

[emem0]

hi, I’ve been struggling with dpdr, anxiety and as a result of that depression for about 3 months after a bad trip. I honestly see no way out. I’ve gotten checked everything checked physically and go to a phycologist 1-2 times a week now. It’s extremely hard for me to live life and get out of bed. my attendance at school has dropped from almost 100% to like 30-40%. I used to be a straight A student now I’m failing almost every subject. I used to be the happiest most energetic girl ever, always going out with friends. now I can’t even get out of bed.
it’s the most horrible feeling in the world. I’m missing out on the best years of my life. I’m loosing all my friends. sometimes I feel like I’m dead and everything is in my head. my family and my friends feel like fakes, I feel no connection with anyone. when I speak to people it’s like I can’t understand or process anything they are saying. like my brain is shutting down. it feels like this can’t be my real life. this must be a dream or a coma. I think I’m going insane. I get constant panic attacks. everyone is telling me it’s just anxiety, but what if this is all in my head and I’m telling them to tell me that it’s okay? that sounds crazy right? I feel like I’m psychotic or schizophrenic. I get horrible nightmares and sometimes I even hallucinate when I wake up or when I’m about to fall asleep.

I’ve told my therapist all about this and I’ve been prescribed an antidepressant. but the thing is I don’t think I’m anxious or depressed I think I’m actually going insane but I can’t explain it properly? and even if this is dpdr/anxiety/depression I don’t think I can ever be me again. i can’t even remember what normal felt like. I terrified and I’m just coming on here to see if anyone has tried medication for dpdr and if it helped at all? because I can’t find anything online.

sorry this is a bit long. xx

[mmMekitty]

Hello emem0 & welcome to the forum.

First up, I'm glad you are seeing a psychologist, & I'd suggest they are the one to talk to about all the concerns you have. 

Looking online can be useful, but for anything medical it can be tricky. The online sources don't know you, not your past, not what else may be going on for you, nothing, so the information you find will not necessarily fit you & your situation. So that's why it's good to have a GP you can talk to, & your psychologist you also can talk to as well.

Has anyone explained what the diagnoses you have mean? 

I'm sorry people would say your panic attacks are 'just anxiety'. That sounds like they don't understand how serious this is, & how much you are feeling when you have a panic attack. I know the feelings you have are strong, the thoughts really do feel 'crazy', & you feel so out of control. That is something znxiety does.

Depression has you feeling tired, like you don't want to do anything, go anywhere, abl to get out & be with friends or to study. It can make you feel really horrible, like the lowest you've ever felt.

I don't know much about the dpdr.

In any event, I would still say to talk more about these things with your psychologist or GP, maybe, ask your mum/dad to go with you to help you understand better what is going on, about the medication, & then get on with learning how to manage the symptoms.

Yes, there are things you can do to help yourself. Some small things, even, like when you do get up in the morning, notice that you have done that. Notice all your achievements during each day.

Like, I'm really glad when you do get yourself to school. That's a very good achievement, given how difficult it has been for you.

Give yourself credit for what you can do.

I can be proud of you, but it's better if you are proud of you.

When you feel anxious, a good thing to do is to stop, sit, & slow your breathing right down. It takes practice, so don't worry if you can't do it straight away. Jut focus on the breath going in & out & try to slow it down. If your mind wanders, bring your thoughts back to your breathing.

I'm sure your psychologist has other tools you can learn to use. Ask, "What do I do when ...." 

Does this help?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi emem0

My heart goes out to you so much as you face what sounds incredibly upsetting, confusing and stressful. I was talking to someone just the other day about the kind of incredibly stressful situation you find yourself in, going on a trip that feels never ending in some ways.

I'm wondering if you gained a different perspective whether that might help make some sense of things and offer some sense of grounding. From less of a psychological perspective and more of a natural one, if a trip is seen as an altered state of consciousness, in shamanism people are given a mind altering substance in order to be taken on a trip that serves them in some way. They're carefully guided into the trip, through it and guided in coming out of it. Someone could take the same mind altering substance without a guide, which can have a very very different outcome. You could even say modern day shamanism can be seen in MDMA trials for treating PTSD. Participants in these trials are carefully dosed, monitored and guided through their helpful trip and out the other side and then there's a debriefing in making sense of it all. The most important goal is to take someone back out of an intensely altered state of consciousness.

Altered states of consciousness (to the degree that you describe) can happen for a variety of reasons. Whether consciousness has been intensely altered through a drug, it's been altered through trauma or even 'spiritual awakening' (a thing that can be very trippy for some), 'normal' life can be impossible to do while in such an altered state and I say this from personal experience. Easier said than done but try not to be too hard on yourself while you're in this state of consciousness. There can definitely be a 'which reality is the real reality?' factor. I know it may sound tedious but focusing on what feels grounding could be helpful. 'The table in front of me is here and it feels real. I can touch it and feel it. It is real. The tree in front of me is here and it feels real. I can touch it and feel it and I can smell it. It is real', etc etc etc. It's kinda like developing a part of you that can identify what's real. You come to rely on a part of you that grounds you out of such an altered state as you gain a greater sense of what's real. Find everything you possibly can that grounds you. Getting more into nature (in the back yard for a start) may help. The grass feels real, the breeze feels real and so on.

In an altered state of consciousness the brain can become so confused because it has no pre-existing reference in order to manage the experience and make sense of it. Trying to make sense of the trip while you're in it can keep you in it. Plenty of time to make better sense of it all later after being grounded out of it. I've met a number of people who've have the 'which reality is real?' experience and they all say the same thing, 'It can become incredibly confusing, disorienting, upsetting and stressful' but the thing is they all came out of it with a new perspective and they all agree a guide, in the way of coming out of it, would have made things a heck of a lot easier.

[Shaman]

I feel so much for you —- I too have had that. My advice, meditate, learn about spiritual growth, you are not your thoughts, exercise , cold water therapy ( ice baths ) are great to shock you back into reality. Keep on talking with your loved ones about it . You will get through it . Everything has happened for a reason . Sending healing vibes to you

[Maddyxoxo]

Man….

I had so many episodes of this exact thing to the point where I too thought I was going insane it took me a full year to overcome it and I had not and still have not Gone to a medical professional

you too will get over this horrible feeling/reality you are in its takes time and figuring out what works for you 

you will definitely get back to to a better state but again it will take some time ❤️