Christmas - with anxiety/depression

[Moonstruck]

8 November 2019
Hi all...any old buddies on here will know I can't bear this "festive season", not the day itself, by which time it's quiet, with folks already doing what they planned and no more hype or pressure. I thought I was avoiding the dreaded "lead up" but it's started already. I am now overtaken by panic and anxiety flooding my whole being, after months of coping relatively well and healthy.
my family and grand kids live in another city, and travelling there costs a lot. The parents don't get much time off at this time of year, they have a small home, so I try and find accommodation (which always goes up sky high in Peak Times). I don't get to see them often at all...and need to make contact with the kids before they get much older and I won't even know them.
working out dates, times etc to travel, hopefully before the tourist rush starts....has me in a really bad way. The earlier you book plane trips in my regional town, the cheaper it is. If I leave it till just a few days before, the cost will be out of my reach. I have to watch my finances these days...and combined with Xmas presents for the kids my head is spinning and I am terrified.
I can't think straight.....what stores to buy the presents from? will I just send money to contribute to the present if I can't get there in person? My son is not the best communicator and doesn't realise I need every little detail worked out (he doesn't know how bad my anxiety is) I need dates, times, which brands and size the presents have to be etc etc
To finish up, (and I hope I haven't bored you to tears) I am terrified, can't make decisions, frozen until I hear the family's timetables and advice....and afraid to tell them I am scared of spending too much money. They are my grand kids....I can't disappoint them?
I am scared of spending money on travel, as well as the presents, but this means I won't see them in person....I miss them, I love them so much....why does Christmas tear people with anxiety and/or depression apart like this? contrary to the happy happy movies and ghastly Carols....there is no peace, no joy, no celebration...at least for me...just stress, financial difficulties, endless choices, time wasting shopping, searching online for travel deals...it's going to destroy me this year.......and I have been doing so well...back to square one with my panic and anxiety...all due to Christmas!!

[Moonstruck]

Hey Helium...nearly there. The madness is approaching the finish line for us again this year...I am surviving so far...just...how about you? I confess I too, like yourself...have told little white lies about "what I am "doing for Xmas"...just to shut people up!

What do they mean exactly? "doing" for Xmas? Why should I do anything different, with anyone different, in any other place because my calendar flips over to December 25, than any other of the 364 days of the year? I don't understand!

"Are your family travelling up to see you?...or are you going away to their place?" they ask expectantly, obviously requiring me to answer Yes to one of the above..heaven forbid if I am doing neither.....Well neither actually, is the answer (not that it's any of their business)....am I then obliged to explain why??? ....is it "compulsory" for us to be physically in the same location on this particular day that seems to hold such ludicrous power over everyone?

They don't ask me these questions in July....or March...or February. Why do they get so inquisitive about my private life in December??

[quirkywords]

Moon,

i have just seen this thread.

I don’t celebrate Christmas for cultural reasons and when people ask me about Christmas are just smile and changecthe topic. Everyone assumes everybody celebrates Christmas with their family.

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

Dear Quirky....thank you for your reply. I can reply back in just one word: "Why?"

Why does "everyone assume everyone spends Xmas with family?"

I heard it said again for about the millionth time just now on a morning TV show...."Christmas is a time to be with family"......A plea to those on TV or in newspapers....Please please please stop repeating this over and over again!!!

Have you any idea how much it hurts those who will not be (for whatever reason) with "family"?

I don't have clinical depression but I can get extremely sad and feeling down too....this year the Xmas hype has just begun to hurt me terribly, just now. Its as if I heard that phrase repeated just one too many times re "family being together at Xmas" and my whole self cried out 'Enough!". I cry now every time it's rammed down my throat.

It has never affected me to this degree all these years (some of which actually have been spent with family, which is lovely...but then any time spent with them is lovely). there is no family rift or anything bad happening.......it's the constant hype about Xmas and family over and over again...it's finally done its job...for the first time...it's left me feeling "lacking" as if there is "something missing" or perhaps my family "don't love me enough" to make sure we are all physically in the same location on a certain day...

Please please stop with this over emphasis on "family being together at Xmas"....it's extremely damaging to some of us.....

[Moonstruck]

I am sinking lower and lower. Worst year it's ever been. I feel so tired when I wake up...I don't want to get out of bed and face another day of heavy traffic, unable to find a park in the city as so many people go Festive Season Crazy!!!

I can't put Morning TV on, as presenters have decorations and trees on set behind them...talking about "tips, how to avoid Xmas stress etc." The latter always gets me....as for a start, I suggest SHUT UP about it...would be one way to lessen the distress on OTHERS.

I am terrible at choosing presents. I am panicked now that the ones I posted to family are all wrong, and stupid. I can't think straight. A relative I know suffers from loneliness and depression I suspect...they live out of town so I will choose a nice gift for them and post it....but I can't think what to get...what store to go to?

I will be faced with an array of expensive items, so many to choose from my head spins and all I want to do is lock myself at home and wait..wait for night to fall, the darkness, so Christmas and the intense pressure I feel on top of me....can't get at me.

There's no escaping it during the daylight hours...relentless...on the radio....ancient Christmas songs about winter and snow and sleighs when we are in a fiery heatwave!!!! Totally irrelevant and unnecessary but still the radio plays them. WHY?

I need to do "mundane" things un-Christmassy things like making Drs appointment etc..but if I venture out, am bombarded with questions about "Have you done all your shopping yet?" what do they Mean by this exactly? I'd love to do more "shopping" but don't have a lot of money. How can I answer that question? What are you "doing for" Xmas? Do they really want me to spell out my whole routine for December 25? morning, afternoon, evening..?

I am in a bad way this year...worse than ever....please make it stop...but it won't. It never does. Right up until the last minute.....do others know how cruel they are being to me? How much it hurts?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Moonstruck

I just want to lend a bit of support as you're obviously struggling and I'm sorry you're finding this period so difficult. Anxiety certainly affects us all in different ways and while the hype doesn't bother me (I'm not sure I've noticed it but I don't watch mainstream tv or go out much I guess), there is always pressure around going places and buying gifts etc. How are you managing? Have you put some plans in place and been able to express your concerns to your family in order to get things under control somewhat? I hope so. It's such a difficult time for people with MI, you're right. I'm sorry it hurts. Please be gentle with yourself during this time. Thinking of you, Katy

[Moonstruck]

Thanks Katy. yes I am struggling to keep my mood and spirits up....but finding it very hard and this year is the first time I have allowed all the hype, the crowds, the frenzy, the insistence of the media that we MUST be happy, we MUST be with family....has finally worn me down.

Other years I just let the mob get on with it....and whether I am with my kids or not...or whether they are holidaying some place else....doesnt bother me. This year it does. Perhaps I am feeling more tired and therefore more vulnerable, or perhaps advances in all the technology and devices has made the pressure easier to get through to us ....I am not sure.

No I won't be spending it all alone...I never do. (except for the day I spent it in the hospital ED , (pain after a simple procedure a few days earlier....that was my favourite Xmas actually...no one bothered me or even knew I was there...) but I digress....

A family member lost his wife last year and he gets a bit lonely around this time...wants to cook lunch for a few of us, so will hopefully help the day to pass a bit faster for him.

I also have a couple of other friends to whom Xmas means nothing and they have no family here....so may have time to drop in and say Hi to them. (I don't drink so can easily drive around the place, whereas a lot of others can't)

What gets to me is...I can do the above any day of the year....the guy who lost his wife can have us over for lunch any time he likes...I can, and do drop in to see my other mates (who are alone) through the year as well as next Wednesday......so WHY all this pressure that it MUST occur next Wednesday??

That's the bit I don't understand...and resent very much being "told" on which day I must be with "family or friends".

[Quercus]

Hi Moon,

I hope it's ok if I join in. I'm finding this year I'm struggling more than usual too. Seeing your post today has helped me feel less alone so thank you.

This hit so deeply and personally that I feel teary again. I'm so glad you wrote it so openly...

it's left me feeling "lacking" as if there is "something missing" or perhaps my family "don't love me enough" to make sure we are all physically in the same location on a certain day...

That's exactly how I feel. Lacking.

Hubby and I have made such an effort this year to choose how WE wish to spend Christmas. I have read about self care and made decisions to focus on what truly matters to me. But no matter what I feel like I'm letting people down.

Even at work people have given me presents and I feel awful because we just don't have any money for me to give in return. I'm exhausted from months of getting homemade gifts ready for family and close friends and nothing feels good enough.

I agree about Christmas becoming ridiculously meaningless. I miss my Grandparents so badly because they were the ones who loved Christmas for the reasons I once did. Although for me Christmas has religious meaning, I accept that isn't how others feel and that's absolutely ok too.

To me Christmas isn't one day... It's a time of year we can all show love and kindness to eachother. Focus on including everyone. Showing forgiveness and acceptance. And above all for me Christmas is about children and teaching them to genuinely care for others. But the way Christmas is promoted makes me feel sadder every year.

You spoke about lonely friends and this made me want to reply most...because you caring for others is what Christmas is about as I see it. It doesn't matter what you buy... Your visit or phonecall and time is the best gift of all.

If it helps I can recommend finding homemade gifts you can make. There are so many ideas on the web of things to cook or make and everyone I've given things to seems to love that my kds and I have taken the time to make them something. I'll ask management if they can post some photos to show you. It helps keep me busy and means I avoid the shops. I don't go shopping over Christmas or new years. It is too overwhelming.

I'm sorry you're struggling also Moonstruck. Thank you for creating this thread. I think your thread and Paul's compliment eachother because they take different approaches and both provide safe places for us all to talk. I'm always thankful to see you on the forums.

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

PS.

As for carols.... I almost cried (again) taking my kids to carols by candlelight. The choir sang The North Wind which is my favourite carol that noone ever seems to know. It's one of the few Australian Carols and it celebrates a summer Christmas without talking about singlets, thongs or kangaroos. Another is the Carol of The Birds (Orana).

[Moonstruck]

Christmas Carols always make me cry. (the traditional beautiful ones that is)...I never go to Carols By Candlelight or watch them on TV...it's just too sad for me. Hearing them dredges up all the heartache, lost chances, broken dreams, loss, grief.....anything sad that has ever happened to me in my life...it all overwhelms me to the point of tears.....I just can't bear it!

I find the entire "festive" season from beginning to finish....immeasurably sad.....

[Quercus]

Oh my goodness YES. Me too. It's like you spoke my mind.

I used to avoid carols but now I just let myself cry. Therapeutic tears maybe? It can be embarrassing especially when I was watching my kids school concert and kept getting teary.

Hubby reminds me getting over emotional is a sign I'm not doing so well. I suppose he's right. Chtist