Hi Hayden,
I am so glad you decided to drop in again to talk about your progress.
Recovery can be a bit like a spiral, most expect it should be linear, but the truth is that your thoughts can take you back a step at times. That doesn't mean you are not doing the right things, it just means you are human and need help to overcome the dips when they happen.
Relaxation is difficult when it comes to anxiety, I like to think of it as always waiting for 'the next shoe to drop'.
The problem is that your body cannot sustain that level of 'fight or flight' for extended periods of time without there being some repercussions.
You said that you are expected to be ok with the silence. May I ask who is expecting this of you? If you are not ok with silence, you have tools at your disposal to help with this. For instance, find a guided meditation that you like, listen to music that suits your frame of mind, listen to a podcast that is of interest to you, listen to an audiobook that may help you to travel to another place and time to give you some respite. The only thing I would suggest with any of these suggestions is to not choose something that will put your nervous system in greater distress. For example, don't choose a thriller or loud overly fast music, the idea is to bring your nervous system down to a more relaxed state.
There are also some very useful breathing exercises that can help when you are in an aroused anxiety state that you can do anywhere at any time. Try looking up 'vagus nerve breathing exercises' for help with this. There are a number of variations, try them to find one that works for you, these things are never 'one size fits all'.
Be sure to give your scared inner child a hug regularly and create a safe space for yourself in your mind that you can go to when things feel chaotic. For this, you are only limited by your imagination.
We will be here for you any time you want to talk about things with those who understand. Please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.
Wishing you speedy but gentle recovery in the months ahead.
indigo 💜
