Cancer phobia

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: Anna on 18 February 2013

Is there anyone reading this who knows what this is like or can help me? I am a 28 year old mum of two children, the youngest just a baby, and since the birth of my second, have been going through alot of general depression and anxiety. I've seen doctors and psychologists, and am reluctant to use medication as i'm concerned of the effects this will have on me breastfeeding. The main cause of my anxiety is a fear of cancer, which has become absolutely debilitating over the past few months. It's driving my partner mad, having effects on my oldest child, and preventing me from having social contact, as i feel unable to direct my focus to this phobia whenfriends are around (!). I have little energy for anything else in life but constantly checking my body for signs that I have cancer, and monitoring myself for any new signs. My latest fear is leukemia or some form of blood cancer, due to seven unexplained small bruises i have found on one leg, and the fact that i can feel my lymph nodes, despite being reassured by my doctor that they are within the normal size range. In the past year, i have "had": two types of breast cancer, cancer of the salivary gland, leukemia (seperate from this episode), brain tumor, ovarian cancer, cervical cancer, skin cancer,bone cancer and lymphoma. They have all been talked over with gps, who have explained the symptoms with fairly non-sinister causes. Constant checking of symptoms online has fuelled alot of this in the past, but I have mananged to control this to a degree recently, to no avail. If i do check the net, I start out intending to seek reassurance, only to wind up in a complete state of panic, calling my partner at work to let him know I'm dying, and with usual panic symptoms (sweating, racing heart, numb fingers and toes, pressure headaches etc). It seems everywhere i go, everything I read, is saturated with the constant threat and reminder that cancer is out there, waiting to pounce on me. I'm so scared, as i have two children who are my reason for living, and who need me. I can't shake the image of myself lying in a bed somewhere with measured time to live. I have always been scared and confronted of death, but this is getting out of hand. The saddest part of this all is that i want to live so much, but am nott enjoying life at all for this stupid fear of dying. I'm always asking my partner for reassurance and pointing out my symptoms to him, and although he does his best to deal with it by reassuring me and reminding me off all the other times it's turned out to be nothing, it's taking it's toll on our relationship. Another niggling thought that makes the situation even harder is this: What if, in spite of all the false alarms, this time it's the real deal? I mean. how many bullets can one dodge in a lifetime. I have no family history of cancer, but figure someone has got to be the unlucky one, and I bet it's just me! Sorry for the long ramble. If anyone can relate to this, please let me know. xx

[Blondie1992]

Hi Lizzie, how are you?

I know exactly how you feel . On the 10th of may I got my results back from my Pap smear and they told me I have "abnormal " Pap smear and I'm low grade squamous CIN1 . Straight away i just cried and cried when I got told about the results because in my head they told me I got cerival cancer, once I calmed myself down I rang them back up and they told me it's not cerival cancer you just have abnormal that needs to be checked out to be monited ever since I got all I got is "I got cancer I'm dying " it's always in my head which is bringing on my anxiety and panic attacks, I see a Specialist on the 27th of July and it freaking out as it's getting closer. I know how you feel xx

[FattyFatFat]

While not related specifically to cancer, these health anxiety workbooks my Psychologist has put me on may help you guys out. Like you, I have bad anxiety regarding cancer and they have helped calm the storm quite a bit.

Hopefully they can help you guys like they have helped me ❤️

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=53

[Taztan]

Hi Lizzie, I can totally sympathize with what you are going through as I have been like this continuously for the last couple of years since I had my daughter who is my second child. I had a pretty stressful pregnancy and birth and ended up back in hospital after I had her. I have pretty much felt like crap for two years. I am terrified that I have something wrong with me and that I am not going to be around for my kids to grow up. I have had heaps of tests done and keep getting told I have nothing wrong. I have had an MRI that showed a narrrowing or blockage on my bile duct that I have to have investigated on Monday by a specialist and even though my bloods came back fine I am absolutely terrified. I find myself wishing my kids lives away wanting them to be 18 so that at least they will be a little more independant of me. I was 41 when I had my second one and panic at the fact that when they are only 18 I will be 60. The funny thing is that most people I know think I am the calmest person ever but the reality is that I am a great actress. I may have this calm demeanour but the truth is underneath my mind is absolutely spinning and my stomach is churning. I'm like a swan sitting on the water. Looks easy on the surface but the feet are paddling like crazy just to stay afloat. I remember being really carefree and thinking I was fine and never worried about anything. I want to be that person again. I am having memories come back to me of when I was a young child of being really afraid of the dark and of death. I couldn't go to sleep at night because I'd be so worried about stuff. I've gone back to being this little kid. My parents are in their mid 70s and have always been really worried about their health. In fact they are both quite severe hypochondriacs my dad has had a couple of nervous breakdowns over the years worrying about his health and my mum is really self absorbed when it comes to her own wellbeing. So was my grandmother who lived with us. The funny thing is I used to get really angry with them for being so negative and self absorbed and now I am that person!! It consumes me. You are definitely not alone!

[Rosie__S]

Hi,

just posting a reply to this post while I google in a state of panic about having some kind of cancer for the thousandth time over the last few years. It is somewhat of a comfort knowing I am not alone and there are other people who understand how I feel.

I have so many symptoms, which most of them have a perfectly reasonable explanation I cannot seem to take my mind off of Bowel cancer. Everywhere I turn the big C word is staring me in the face and I feel like, what if the symptoms I’m trying to brush off are actually real and I wait too long and leave my family behind. I know I am probably driving my family nuts with my needing constant reassurance but I’m sure people who have cancer have had less symptoms than me so I keep feeding this constant fear with googling and it’s so much worse than it’s ever been before.

can anybody tell me if this gets better? I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist but it could be a few months wait. I just need some hope for the future to keep me going.

[Ash81]

I know this post is older but it’s like I wrote it.. if anyone has come out the other end please tell us how. I’m terrified of Cancer also have had 2 ultrasounds on my breast, a vaginal ultrasound, blood tests and Chiro visits where the Chiro calms me down. I’m on anti depressants but havnt felt any change yet and frankly I’m worried that I’m even on them..

[Guest_1055]

Hi Ash,

I too have had a cancer scare. The thing was it was the doctors that I believe portrayed this fear to me. It was the way they talked to me.

Ash I am not sure if you will read this thread again. I can tell you more if you like. Just let me know. In the meantime have a look at a site called Chris Beats Cancer.

Shell

[Ash81]

Hi Shell,

i wish I saw your reply earlier! My obstetrician is the one scaring me now. I had two ultrasounds last year and they both said dermoid cyst on my left ovary. I was having pain again so I recently just got another one done which 2 radiologists had a look at (because I was crying and shaking) and they both said it’s a dermoid cyst. My obstetrician got a copy of the results and called me up and said ‘it should be taken out and we won’t know it’s not cancer until we take it out’

Oh my god. I can’t tell u how scared I’ve been since. Just when I was feeling a bit better she says that. Does she not know I have health anxiety to the roof?!! Ever since then I’ve been bed ridden, not social and no appetite.. insomnia galore and just literally living in fear. I have to see a gyno soon which I’m terrified of. Hope you’re well?

[Guest_1055]

Hi Ash, I know I do not know you. But all I want to do is give you a virtual hug and to tell you, you are going to be OK. You are going to be OK.

Shell

[mamamania]

Cancer phobia takes over my life too.. reading some of these posts is like reading about my life. I have worried about cancer since I was about 8 and I am now 48. My fear has been worse over the last 10 years because I have children and it kills me to think of them having to grow up without me. I have found medication the only thing that has helped.. and a little bit of therapy. My therapist's most helpful tip was to focus on what I DO KNOW for sure, not all the what ifs.. its still tough and I have lots of check ups and tests but taking my medication regularly has been the most helpful thing so far. Thanks everyone for sharing your stories, they have made me feel like I'm not the only one!

[yogie]

Hi, l to worry about getting cancer but my fear is having test done and the waiting for results. It took me 2 years to have an ultra sound done to find l had gallstones . but now l keep thinking what if l have bowel cancer and the gallstones symptoms are covering up bowel cancer ,we have no history of cancer in my family and both my parents lived into their nineties .Every time l turn on the TV or Radio the Bowel cancer adds are on and this is causing me to panic more , l know it's better to be safe than sorry but the fear of what if is greater ,doe's anyone else feel this way