Can't stop negatively comparing myself to others

[G.P]

Hello!

I'm a little anxious writing this, but I'm not sure what to do. For a long time, I know that I've had a bad tendency to compare myself to others. I keep finding myself getting triggered over others' successes and how much better they have it than I do. I then feel guilty for getting jealous that others (particularly close friends and family) have what I don't and then feel crap about myself for it. It's an ongoing cycle.

I've spoken to my psychologist about it, and she says that it's my coping mechanism and way of protecting myself, for when I was younger and my parents had compared me to others when I was a lot younger. I think it's partially true, but don't think it quite hits the nail on the head. Something tells me it's more than that, but haven't quite figured it out yet.

Either way, what I'm most concerned about is how to start reversing this. I've now become aware of it, which I'm told is the first step to getting through it. But I'm having trouble overcoming it when it happens. I just start going into a negative spin cycle of thoughts, beat myself for everything that I'm not and shut down. I've tried to catch myself before it happens or write it down in a journal but sometimes it doesn't work for me.

Thanks for hearing me out, hopefully there's a solution to this...

GP

[G.P]

Thanks again rt! 🙂

I see what you mean now about changing the lens and frame of thinking to opportunity or privilege , for myself and also those around me. When I think of it, I guess I can't assume what's going on in everyone else's lives and their story. So using that as a way of thinking could help me 🙂

Just from the community here,I can see that gratitude is a positive theme that can help with overcoming these thoughts, so it's worth a shot 🙂 . My psychologist has also suggested this idea od challenging of my thoughts before taking it as gospel and starting that negative spin cycle. So I think that should be a place for me to start.

I didn't think of that - that perhaps I'm still playing a role as my parents to comparing myself to others. Food for thought for me, thanks for the observation!

G.P

[Guest_1643]

Hello G.P.
For me, I never acknowledge my own achievements and always attribute my successes to someone else, so it's helpful for me to actively acknowledge my strengths, successes and things I've done well. I've had to train myself to see that I too have good points. It does feel good to say out loud "I did a great job yesterday," or "I'm really doing well lately" - etc... this helps me.

[White_Rose]

Hello GP

Good to meet you.

You have received lots of ideas from other BB members and I hope you can make them for you. One thing I would like to add to the mix is a question about wanting those things others have. So often we think in terms of material possessions and ignore the rest of our needs. Being compared to others when were young is painful and gives the impression that material possessions are the only things that are worthwhile. Hardly surprising we continue to feel less acceptable when we do not have these objects.

When you come across someone who seems to have been blessed by life perhaps you can consider what it is you find attractive about this person. Is it simply because they live in a huge house and forget the person needs to pay off a mortgage. Perhaps it is their skill at playing a musical instrument. I know I desperately wanted to learn to play the piano when I was young. Well it did not happen but now that I can afford to pay for lessons I am fulfilling my desire to play.

Some attributes make a person appear lucky and attractive as they did not have to work for these gifts. Others worked hard to gain their possessions. Clearly you cannot do or have all the desirable goods that others have so it's a matter of deciding what you do want.Do you want to be known for your great interpersonal skills or are you happy to simply get along with a group of friends.

Once you can decide on what you want to be or have you can start work on making these want happens for you. As a bonus you can congratulate the other person on their new acquisitions and feel genuinely happy this person has acquired whatever they have. It's not quite the same as being grateful but is a lovely feeling to know you are happy your friend has got a new job and happy to tell them so. It does help to take away the sting ofnot having something.

Mary

[G.P]

Thank-you Sleepy21 🙂

Self-congratulations is a good tip! I know that's something I don't practice enough, but have noticed that when I do praise myself on the odd occasion that it does help with my confidence, because I'm cheering myself on and not focusing on where I stand in comparison to others.

It's something I need to continue working on, as you say it's training myself to think differently - (which will take time) rather than default to negative thinking.

G.P

[G.P]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for stopping by, nice to meet you also.

There's definitely been some useful insights here, and I appreciate you also sharing yours 🙂

When you say what is I find attractive about these people who I compare myself to, I think it's a combination of their personal qualities and their material possessions, which probably isn't healthy, but like you said, helps me define what it is exactly that I want and can perhaps allow me to start working towards it in my own way. It seems obvious, but it helps knowing that I can't have everything, so I then need to pick and choose what it is that works for me, rather than trying for it all and still being stuck and beating myself about it.

The feeling of being happy for others in their successes, is something that admittedly I struggle with because of where I am in my mind with the comparison and jealousy. But it is something that I should practice more.

I like what you say at trying to look beyond the material possessions as means of success, and rather looking at other non-material things as success. I know I have strengths and skills , and other qualities but so easily overlook them because I keep looking elsewhere.

Thanks again for your advice! 🙂

G.P