Being in a relationship with someone who was married

[8-8-8]

My current boyfriend of almost one year has an ex wife. They are not legally divorced yet but have been separated from what I am aware about 5 years he's also had relationships post her before me. In 2020 she moved back in to live with him for a bit then left again. She moved back in with him 6 months ago (they have separate bedrooms) as she is suffering with mental issues and other sickness my boyfriend doesn't wish to share. However he has not told her about me and our relationship. This has cause me to grow majorly insecure and for both my boyfriend and I to have problems and cause a strain in the relationship. He doesn't want to be selfish and tell her about me because he doesn't want her to get worse I guess. I don't know what to do because I love him and he loves me and wants to be with me. But she has no idea about me and told him that she wants to have kids with him. I have already given him an ultimatum but he still wont tell her. What do I do? Is she making him feel guilt tripped? 

Its giving me major anxiety and feel depressed and somewhat lonely because he doesn't help reassure me and nobody has been in my situation before.

[geoff]

Hello 8-8-8, I'm sure this situation is not suitable for you at the moment, because he loves you, but he still cares for her and has accepted for her to move in with him.

It wouldn't be viable for him to have kids with her becauyse it would only complicate the situation and by having kids is not the answer to revive any relationship.

It's a catch-22 position, because he can't care for her and as well love you, because both of these become very messy in trying to please the both of you, it doesn't happen.

The final decision has to come from him because he can't have both, and if he does then he's going to make you unhappy, and as he has been away from her for 5 years, he won't be able to help her with her mental issues and even if he tries then his mood will be affected when he sees you.

If he wants to keep his wife staying with him, then unfortunately you won't be able to change his mind and will have to move on, sorry, but three way relationships never work out, and if he says he will ask her to move, then the proof is in the pudding, because if he keeps procrastinating, the situation will only upset the two of you.

It's a hard position to be in.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[8-8-8]

Thank you for your feedback that does help. I forgot to note that before we started dating he did tell me that she was going to move back in with him. In which then we were both friends and didn't see our feeling advancing. By the time she moved in I was expecting him to tell her but he still hasn't. You're right its defiantly just been upsetting us. I think something that will always bother me is how the wife will never know about me especially when I've been such a big role in his life. She always been in his life even if they're not together they still have kept contact now thinking about this I feel like an idiot.