So at the ripe old age of 34 I've just had the realisation that the biggest trigger for me when it comes to self medicating with drugs/alcohol is that I find it really uncomfortable to be happy and energised.
I think this could be the reason that I’ve spent so much of my life in self destructive relationships where I essentially act as an enabler in the relationship with partners who have their own addiction issues.
Now that life is going really well and I’ve gotten to a place where I’m not needing to “look after” my significant other and I’m in a job that I really love - I keep finding myself feeling fresh, excited, happy and proud of myself but it is immediately followed by a feeling of restlessness and discomfort that I feel like I have to quell by bringing my energy levels down via drugs and alcohol.
What kind of bloody twisted wiring do I have in my brain that I can’t stand the feeling of being happy! Now that I realise what this feeling is I can remember feeling like this even back in primary school. If I was ever succeeding at something I would immediately freak and just quit or find an escape route. I can remember coming first in a cross country race and the moment I heard people cheering me on I panicked and stopped running. It’s like deep down I really don’t want to succeed or be happy?
Is this just a deep, rooted fear of failure? Or a need to control my circumstances if I feel like I can’t control my emotions.
Does anyone else struggle with feeling happy? How do I get past this so I can actually live life to my full potential instead of constantly self destructing and stopping my personal growth in its tracks.
