Anxiety resulting from Low self Esteem

[wannabe_alpha]

Hello Dear Friends,

I am 26yo Male, of Indian origin living in Australia.

I have low self esteem issues. I think this is a result of too much negative criticism from my parents and surrounding. I am jobless right now. Whenever my parents call me(which they do every other day), the only thing they want to know is about my job, or car settlement(had an accident in jan 20, and i m dealing with other party insurer currently). I have been too much overprotective, and have been deprived of my right to take own decisions, even at crucial stages of my life. Whenever I do something, my parents or relatives always see negative in it, and criticise me harshly! The criticism is generally about job, my negligible friends, bad social life, introvert nature etc.

Because of all this I have developed low self esteem, and always doubt myself. I am always in dilemma nowadays even on making small decisions.

And while making big decisions, I am very much worried, if even a minor thing goes wrong!

Recently, I purchased another car! Actually my mom is coming tomorrow from India. I thus did it quickly. If I would have not taken the car till she comes, she would have criticised me when she would found that nobody wants to help me to see the car(as i dont have much friends)! I am still worried of getting all the negative feedback from my mom about the things i mentioned earlier! And she is living with me for 3 months! I should have been happy, but I am feeling more sad unfortunately! My life without parents (especially mom) has been peaceful I would say!

So coming back to car! The car deal sounded good, and it was nice to drive as well. However, went to servicing and it has engine oil leaks and coolant leaks!! I dont want my mom to know this ofc! She would criticise me!

Bcoz of this incident, I am not feeling good. Please motivate me! I would also like you to give me tips about making friends! I have no good friend on whom I can rely here in Australia!

[MummaPetal]

Hello Wannabe_alpha,

Thank you for stepping up and sharing how you feel. It would be very hard to be around so much criticism. It takes a lot of courage to admit something doesn't feel right.

I too suffer from a bit of low esteem so I can relate to some of your feelings.

I read a good book called 'Feel the fear and it do it anyway " by Dr Susan Jeffers. It changed my thinking and I think may be it might be of help to you.

When it comes to making decisions, start off small. When you start to feel the rewards, slowly make bigger ones. Same with your friend situation. Make one friend and soon you will find yourself slowly building up a circle, within your comfort limit.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted. We are all different and I'm sure you have a lot to offer in a friendship and in other areas of your life. You can make friends through mutual interests, for example, you might like sport, going to the gym, book clubs, dancing etc.

It can be difficult to block out negativity from other people but maybe, if you are an imaginative person, imagine a bubble around you to protect you. No one can say or do anything to penetrate that bubble and hurt you. You could try some meditation or breathing exercises.

With your car, this is a situation out of your control. Please try not to take it on board personally. You are doing the best you can.

I wish you all the best.

[wannabe_alpha]

Hello MummaPetal!

Thank you for getting in touch! I will surely read it, and let you know about my review!

Yes, currently I am a member of just a Toastmasters Club, thus my social interaction is very less. Also that I am jobless. I will surely try to join more sports and gyms.

Unfortunately, the same is happening what I had thought initially! My mom is giving me all the unnecesary suggestions which I dont want.(Sorry if this seems rude. I dont mean to be rude)! Currently I am living with 2 bachelors. One is a middle eastern guy and other is indo-iranian guy. The middle eastern guy is very eccentric and unsocial, although helpful! However he does'nt bother me at all! The indo-iranian guy has moved recently! He is friendly and very social. He remains outside the most of the time!

My mother has to be in self-isolation for 14 days as per govt. rules! I generally used to stay in Uni whole day doing my work or at my casual job. And used to come home only to eat or sleep. I am remaining in house now(and only go out to purchase something or do something), so that she wont feel lonely! Today she hinted that I should change the room and move with indian family or bachelors, who would more likely to be friendly with me! Although I do agree with her to some extent, but changing house solely for the intent of making friends seems ridiculous! This room was feasible to me and very convenient! When I declined this, she started saying that in older age, I may face problems and all! I didnt want this conversation to go on . SO i said ' I am comfortable and need not change'. And I told clearly not to bother me with things which I am ok with. To this she started the usual Indian emotional-mom drama, and said that I will go back if you feel to bothered all the time!

This is what happens with me, although I am very cautious of not offending anybody, she gets on my nerves sometimes(actually most times)! I wonder how my 3 months are going to pass with her(especially the 14 days of isolation)! Whenever I try to be more assertive, I end up offending her. Also let me know of your tips to dealing with mom

(Sorry if i offended you with my language, in case you are a mum too)

[MummaPetal]

Hi again,

It is a tricky time to get out and about when everyone is being cautious about there health.

All I can suggest how is to find some more online social forums or chats. I think it would be important for you to have some connection to the outside world in order to not feel lonely and isolated.

Yes, I am a mum of little children but I do see your point of view and it would be difficult being involved in all the drama.

If I may, could I please suggest that you try to see things from your mum's perspective? This is not to excuse what she has said or done to make you feel uncomfortable. It's just a viewpoint.

Your mum may have trouble seeing you grow up. You are trying to assert your independence and your mum just wants to protect you. Your conversations with her are now challenging her. She may want you to be with other Indian people because that maybe her way of finding a circle of security. I'm sure she wants you to feel safe and happy, even though the words and actions aren't coming off as feeling supportive.

Maybe use this isolation time to build more of a connection with your mum. Find out what she likes. Do some cooking with her, dance, plan parties and maybe try to find some way to prove to her that you will be okay.

If that doesn't prove successful and your boundaries are not being respected, then may be you might need to speak to a professional relationship counsellor for further advice.

[wannabe_alpha]

Thank you very much for your reply!!

Things are got slightly better, not much though! She is'nt laughing much. And whenever she speaks she spoke complaints about this/that etc.. I gave feedback to her as politely as possible but clearly. And although she got offended, she took note of it.

My mom isnt a party going person, or very much into dance. However I go for a nightwalk with her. And today I went near a lake here.. and she was a little pleased to see the ducks and cranes which aren't seen in india generally!

I also told her about the car that it will need some repairs. However, so currently I have tried much to improve the situation and mood! I hope the situation would be alright in a few days. Currently, I am feeling that I was much better alone!

[Hope4tomorrow]

Hi wannabe_alpha,

I don't have a lot to add, but I wanted to say hello. I also amongst other issues, struggle with anxiety, so can understand this part of your issue, and the parents who are difficult to get any praise out of (mainly my father).

It isn't easy, but I have found that by slowly learning to stick up for myself towards my parents, they respect me more for it now. I'm Australian and my culture may be very different from yours in regards to familial relationship dynamics, but I have had to learn the hard way (and still am learning), that people tend to take me on my own self assessment. It's a hard path to travel, but we benefit most from gaining our own self-image through our own evaluations. Positive self talk and checking one's thoughts for evidence when they are self critical and replacing them with positive truths about yourself. Something you got right that day etc.

People make mistakes when purchasing things, this is common. It's a part of learning. It wasn't a you mistake, but just a common occurance by the average person without a background in vehicle maintainence. Easier said than done I understand, but try not to be hard on yourself about the purchase.

It has taken me many years to learn this, but you will slowly learn (hopefully), to place your opinion of yourself, above EVERYONE else, and if need be this also includes one's parents. N

[Hope4tomorrow]

P.s. I accidently posted my reply before I was ready to.

Apologies if I didn't address anything within that you are asking for help with.

Although parents generally love their children, they can be restrictive, even oppressive at times with their opinions.

Anyway, sending some positive vibes your way and I hope that you get something out of this reply.

Great to have you in Australia! Take care and safe travels.

[wannabe_alpha]

Hello Hope4tomorrow!!

Thank you very much for joining in. Actually I got this car after negotiation at a very cheap price, as the owner wanted to sell it quickly. Given the condition, year and other factors, I dont feel cheated as such. The car history was also good, which I checked. However, my only worry was not to look like a fool in front of mom(which I know I am not. People I know have made more worse deals when it comes to cars). And I also took car before mom comes, probably in a haste, as I already reasoned why. As I am not earning enough, I feel bad that I may need to depend upon dad for money for car repair and other expenses.

[wannabe_alpha]

Showed the car to mechanic today. He gave an estimate of $1-1.2k.

I think cars like these have these problems. My previous car also had a coolant leak when I last serviced it. But then I had an accident in jan and in communcation with car dealer.

The fact is that it sucks when we feel that the deal is bad. I am getting a lot of feedbacks about car from people. Some people are saying that I should sell it again. The mechanic said that no need to sell it, although he doesnt prefer that make.

However I was wondering that if I had to sell it, then again I would get little help in seeing new cars. And similar problems may still arise in new cars.

I personally dont like to be bothered much with such things especially which I dont have knowledge about! Had I made many friends till now(especially ones who are good at cars), I might have thought about selling this car. Actually I have 2 friends, but they are also busy with jobs and stuff. So most of the times They werent available when I wanted to see this car. However, sometimes I wonder is it really that they are busy or they dont want to help me!!!>>>????

What you think friends!!!???

[wannabe_alpha]

However I have told mom about all this and she is ok with that now