Anxiety, Newbie

[B_D1]

Hi, iam a mother of two young boys. My second child was born with craniosytosis. He had to have major surgery at the age of 10months old. Which went for 9hours, to remould his head shape. This was when it all began for me. At 6 weeks of age, i was told by maternal health that his head shape wasnt right. From then on lots of doc appts and waiting until he was older enough to have the surgery triggered all sorts of emotions. Every day from 4 months old, i was a wreck. Uncontrollable crying, not sleeping, googling what ifs.. poor diet, irritable. Why him, he doesnt deserve this. He had the surgery and all went well. I noticed a bald spot in my hair after the surgery, turns out i have alopecia areata. It was the trigger. It took me a year through diet and trying to manage my anxiety through meditation to get some of my hair back. Which i did, but yearly we have to go back to thr hospital for his checks up. These check up are coming up in 3 weeks, i am noticing that i am not sleeping so well, worried about his head shape. Is it okay, will he be fine etc...

My husband also isnt talking to one of his sisters, she also has two kids that have a terminal illness. One of them is actually in hospital now. I have such a strong pull for him to just talk to her. Be happy again, i want everything to be happy again. No more drama and just be happy. I want to be happy again. I cant handle it when we go to caravan parks camping and i am away from my boys and can hear someone cry because they hurt themselves. I think its one of my boys, but i know it isn't. It just bring all the memories of the hospital back again. I dont know how to manage these feelings... triggers..

[smallwolf]

Hi B.D,

welcome to beyond blue.

you sound like a very caring and supportive mother. Not just for your immediate family, but for your in-laws as well. It is natural to be concerned for your son; but also remember the surgery went well.

I know what I am about to say is not comparable, but.... last year there was a possibility I had prostate cancer. So I did the tests the urologist wanted. And then there was the call where you hear "Can you come in next week to discuss the result". At that time you can hope for the best, think of the worst. But you were also told to try to the compartmentalize the thoughts until you come in next time. It is very hard to do.

So your thoughts about your son and whether everything is OK is normal. And from your post, this worry is affecting your sleep as well.

How would it be if you were able to write down your thoughts somewhere. Perhaps here? Would that stop the thoughts and triggers. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about what you are thinking? Husband? Friends? Other family?

lastly, you have recognised the triggers for your thoughts/feelings. There is a good book called "the happiness trap" you might be interested in reading. You might find some ideas in it to help you with the triggers. Otherwise you can also look at the sections on grounding and mindfulness here on the forums.

I can tell you are a good person from your post, and have done everything you can for your child. That is all that can be asked of you.

Tim