Anxiety and fear of my everyday life (drug use)

[bubbleman]

Hi guys,

My name is Nick and i wanted to share my experience with anxiety thus far as a result of drug usage.

I've always been pretty easy going and a little bit anxious when I think about it. Early in february 2018 I went to a two day music festival where I had four capsules of mdma over the two days (two each day) after this I went into O-week at my college where I drunk myself silly everyday and had very little sleep. One night i had this incredibly vivid dream and suddenly questioned everything. i didn't feel like myself and I was so out of touch with reality that I went to the hospital at 5 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and stayed there till about 8 in the morning where someone finally told me to go home and I wasn't psychotic (which I was sure I was).

I eventually saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with anxiety and it made a lot of sense. She gave me some CBT techniques to calm me down at night and it really worked It felt like I was my old self again. I could drink and have fun with friends without worrying about everything that's going on around me.

Having learnt nothing clearly I started using MD again and was spacing it out decently and was having fun but towards the end of the year it got pretty frequent and then lead to the night that felt like everything changed. it was around the 15th of December 2018 when I was extremely drunk and took a random pill from a random guy on the dance floor. I didn't really care about what it was I just went for it, I didn't really feel it's affects and I didn't really think at the time that it kicked in. However I woke that morning in absolute fear, my body felt weird and everything I saw felt weird. I immediately went to wake my friends up because of how I was feeling but i didn't tell them. It's been a bit of a shit-show between then and now (1/2/19). I have this constant battle with my mind that everything isn't real and my brain can't really process information like it used to. I have constant thoughts that I really messed up this time and there's nothing that will heal me. I went back to the psychologist who said it was obviously the same thing but i'm not too sure about it this time. I feel really spaced out and not like myself at all. Like i'm in a hole I can't get out of.

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed i'm afraid i've lost my old life and can't enjoy it anymore because i'm worried that any second now i'll go crazy and be hospitalised.

any thoughts? I just don't knowanymore

[Doolhof]

Hi bubbleman,

Welcome to the community here. I am sure there are others who may be able to relate more to your experiences. I've not taken non prescription drugs but have had some weird experiences on prescribed medications. Some of the effects were quite scary and horrendous.

If you don't mind some questions, are you seeing the psychologist regularly to help you through this?

Do you have a family member or friend who is supporting you?

Are you using the CBT techniques again?

Have you written out how you are feeling and then consider how you can change those experiences to the life you want to live?

Some people are able to use meditation, positive self talk and affirmations to help them through.

Is it possible for you to admit yourself to hospital or to drug rehabilitation for care if you think that might help?

Lots of questions! You don't have to answer or respond to them, just pondering your options might help you to work out what is happening and what your options are.

Hope you find some answers and solutions. All the best from Dools

[bubbleman]

Hi dools,

unfortunately my psychologist is away at the moment so it could be the reason why some feelings and thoughts feel a lot stronger than they did.

ive been very open with my experience and trauma with my family and friends which has definitely helped

I’ve been meditating regularly which I found helped initially especially with anxiety.

im not sure I’d be comfortable in hospital I think it could help but I don’t think I’m in that poor a shape to resort to that.

one of the things I struggle with is being afraid of the moment and afraid of the things going on around me.

I know that what I see is real and how I’ve always seen things but for some reason my mind is against it. Making me want to run and end every situation as soon as it begins.

When I arrive at work all I want is to be able to leave or when I start a conversation I just want it to end.

i think I’ve been getting better I feel a lot more like myself with every day but I’m not sure this feeling of worry will every really go away.

i know I’m not crazy but it’s so easy for me to think that I am and that what’s going on around me just isn’t right. Like I analyse every second of every day.

it gets really tiresome knowing that I should be ok but I’m just not...

[bubbleman]

I think what upsets me most is that I can’t do a lot of the things I used to be able to do, I can’t drink with friends because drinking gives me anxiety due to a bad situation where I woke up with a blackout and now I’m afraid of that.

I think what I want to hear is that it’s all going to be ok and I’ll have my old life back in no time. But with each passing day that seems like more and more of an improbability.

it feels like I’ve lost an emotional and psychological pair of legs that will never grow back.

and I don’t want to accept that reality because the fact that this is what my life will be like now is one I just can’t face.

[JRG]

Hi there,

After reading your posts I cannot help but feel how much you are struggling at the moment. It is great that you see a psychologist usually and also that you have tried CBT in the past and found it useful. Nevertheless, I honestly feel that this isn't enough for you currently, especially given your own ongoing personal concern that things just aren't quite right.

Are you in contact with a regular GP? I would strongly recommend you make an appointment to see him/her. Not only will they be able to do some routine checks to make sure you are physically well but they are also able to put you in contact with many other services which you may again find helpful. Also, if you are still trying CBT and not finding it is helping enough - perhaps you could discuss ACT with your psychologist at your next appointment. This is another psychotherapy program that I have personally found very helpful in dealing with difficult thoughts through difficult times. It may also be important for you to seek further medical advice so that you can rule out any other psychological problems like depression that may just be making things at the moment again that little bit harder.

I do hope things improve for you soon.

Kind regards,

JG.

[bubbleman]

Hi Jg,

i think I should see a gp for sure. I look around and feel like I can’t connect with my surroundings but I really feel like it’s getting better. When I look at me a couple weeks ago there is a decent difference.

its like everything is normal but something about my thinking just won’t let it happen.

i want to say that this will all be over soon I think I need to have that belief. but it feels like my mind is against me. It won’t let me forget about what’s happened and how the world feels different now.

it sucks I hate to be a burden to anyone and having all these thoughts and confusions makes me feel like one.

[JRG]

Hi again,

Please don't ever feel that you are a burden to anyone bubbleman. I have felt the same way in the past and it is never true. Others around you care about you because they know you for who you are, not the struggles that you go through. People will stick by you no matter what, even if it isn't the people you originally think it will be. Please know that you will always have a voice on a forum such as this and that I wouldn't even reply if I didn't care - at no time have I considered your story burdensome. I just wish I could do more...

I'm going to give you some homework for the week. Your number one job this week is self-compassion. Please consider, for me anyway, trying to wake up each morning and identify just one thing that is special about your inner self. Are you determined? Are you courageous? Are you open-minded or insightful? Are you artistic or creative. The list is long ... just one word each day and at the end of the week you will have five things to reflect upon. Five things to concentrate on instead of feeling like you are different or that you need to put yourself down.

Take care of yourself,

JG.

[Doolhof]

Hi bubbleman,

It is tough when you feel like yo are battling your mind all the time. I agree with JRG, having a chat with your Dr will help you.

When you are struggling, would you consider using one of the phone support lines like Beyond Blue or Lifeline? The people answering the phones can help you get back on track, listen to you and acknowledge what you are going through.

These services have helped me immensely.

End of last year I was in a horrid place. I have realised I can not go back to being the person I was previously. I can learn to be the person I want to be and create a different me! I have accepted my new reality and try to do the best I can with it.

Please know you are not a burden to anyone here. Hopefully sharing how you are feeling helps you in some way. I know writing stuff down helps me.

Regarding drinking with friends, can you still enjoy the company of friends and drink non alcoholic drinks? I do realise you don't get the same feeling from say a lemon lime and bitters as you do an alcoholic drink, but you can still be with friends.

Once again, this is a place where you can share your thoughts and not feel like a burden.

Cheers again from Dools

[bubbleman]

I’ve never been one I reach out like this out of fear but thanks for being so positive and caring the amount you guys do.

It does actually mean a lot and a wave of relief kind of came over me reading your guys words.

I’m normally such a positive and happy person but it’s been hard to find that kind of place of reassurance.

It’s like I never get a break from my thoughts which is extremely tiresome and most definitely stressful.

i always want you guys to know that I really do enjoy my life normally and I know that eventually I’ll be ok it’s just hard to see that light at the moment.

there’s been periods during the day where I realise the thoughts have stopped which kind of egg them on so it’s a bit counter intuitive I also want you

[Rocket_Man]

Hey Bubbleman,

I can relate to what you're saying with whats happening within your mind as you describe it, although the circumstances were slightly different.

There is some effect within us, which translates our thoughts, beliefs, and mental states into our physical bodies including cognitive structures. Maybe it sounds obscure, but I wonder if its possible that your belief and anxiety about your cognitive processing, is making whatever you're experiencing much worse as Anxiety shuts down the processing capacity of the brain more and more as your fear increases.

So even if you have done damage, please read Norman Doidge below to understand how neurons re-grow, so you can stop worrying and at least reduce the issue. Sometimes problems are like a big block of marble, you cant just swing the chisel once and expect to make a David...

Also not to support or condone anything, but for your knowledge, and to state facts, MDMA and 'speed' based amphetamines are neurostimulants, alchohol is a suppressant. There is a strong body of research behind neurostimulants and hallucinogenic substances and their positive effects on the mind, and alot of information online. If you looked up all the possible things it could be, you might be surprised at what you find. Legality and illegality of substances is also effected by political issues, not solely whats good and bad for peoples health. All I'm suggesting is that you research all the factors and it may ease your mind.

My comments are based on my understanding from reading the works of these doctors and scientists.