Anxiety and Dating

Quivz · ‎13-05-2014

So i've recently been diagnosed with anxiety issues, although i've probably had them for around 10 years or so. I'm getting help but i feel loathe to raise this issue with my psychologist. In the last 15 years i've been in 2 relationships. Thats all. In both cases i was not the initiator. I'm a great conversationalist once past this point, but i've never been able to get started. So since i've been getting help I've felt more confident and was at the pub recently and 2 girls came up to me and tried to start conversation. I couldn't come up with anything to say and just gave one word answers. They left quickly. I ended up feeling so down i got myself really drunk for the next 2 days. Things like this have happened to me a lot over the course of the 15 years i'm talking about. Even at the height of my confidence i cant bring myself to be witty and charming (which i am with people i know well and i'm already comfortable with).

So what i want to know is if this sort of thing is normal with anxiety, and whether its something i should talk about with my psychologist. Or if its just specific to me and a problem i will have to overcome on my own.

JessF · ‎15-05-2014

Hello Quivz, try not to be so down on yourself. On the positive side, there is already something about you that is having girls come up to you without knowing you and start a conversation! You must look approachable or friendly, and that has been a big thing for me if (on the rare occasion) I approach someone I don't know to start a conversation if I'm forced to mix and mingle.

I have to ask, why are you loathe to raise this issue with your psychologist? I think that might be a little self defeating. You are already paying the money to get help, you may as well take fuill advantage of it and social anxiety like you describe is a huge thing. Confidence is part of it but also the kinds of panicked thoughts or 'mind going blank' that you describe. 'What will I say, will I say something stupid, they must think I look stupid' all those kinds of things... do you find yourself panicking like that when someone new talks to you?

Quivz · ‎16-05-2014

I'm loathe to raise it because i wasn't really sure if its a problem for a professional or just something all people go through. I'm also hesitant to raise it because my anxiety has prevented me from keeping employed for anything longer than a couple of months and i consider that issue to be more important to resolve at the moment. But since you seem to think it is something they can help me with i will bring it up and point out its not my top priority but also a part of my anxiety that causes me problems.

Yes i get panicky in those situations. I get sweaty hands and often tremble, and the symptoms aren't only related to meeting women. I am better at conversing with men who are strangers, but i still have this nagging itch to not say anything stupid and if i do say something stupid or fumble my words i generally start panicking and need to extricate myself. A classic of mine is to start some ridiculous long and quite tortured sentence and not breathe properly, ending the last words in a wheeze because I'm out of breath. I tend to type the same long grammatical nightmares, but at least in text I'm not extending beyond the abilities of my lungs.

white knight · ‎16-05-2014

Dear Quivz, There are many things us adults dont learn as we grow. Parenthood....many prospective parents think parenting comes natural, that they dont need to learn anything prior to the birth for example. The 'art' of talking to others especially the opposite sex. I cant recall any lesson in school that taught me that. The 'cool' guys that had the gift of chatting freely and handsomely to a girl I envied then imitated then failed at that entirely. I wasnt me.

All that causes anxiety and it snowballs while your self esteem plummets. What I found eventually, was to join groups, maybe a sporting group or similar whereby the friendship with women comes naturally first then it develops over time. This eliminates the anxiety associated with the pub/club approaching strangers senario.

I too took to the drink. Didnt help in the medium and long term. I'd advise to go the other way and save your money there. Be clever Quivz. Clever girls prefer clever guys. Be yourself. The best catch is the one that wants you are you are. Good luck