Hello, At 30 years old I have finally realised that I need to
acknowledge some of the things I constantly think in my head are not
what most people would consider ‘normal’. I am writing this on here as I
have just read a lot of other peoples thoughts...
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Hello, At 30 years old I have finally realised that I need to
acknowledge some of the things I constantly think in my head are not
what most people would consider ‘normal’. I am writing this on here as I
have just read a lot of other peoples thoughts and it has given me the
confidence to post some of my feelings in the hope that maybe someone
can help shed some light on what it is that cause me to spend so much of
my waking hours thinking the way I do, and maybe what I should do about
it. There are some things I have always done as long as I can remember
which I want to share with you; I have this bad habit of over analysing
social situations of any kind after the event and reliving them in exact
detail. I can go over and over every word that was said in a
conversation from every possible angle and get annoyed with myself for a
‘bad’ answer or a ‘stupid’ question convinced that the other person
would only remember that and perceive me as an idiot. Whats worse is
that its not only strangers but family members and close friends too
that I do this to but can even be pizza delivery guys, call centre
operators etc. etc. Also I forever relive past conversations even if
they happened a few years ago and still get frustrated with particular
actions I took or things I said convinced that these things have left
the impression that I feel of me in their eyes, even if it was just the
way I said “goodbye”. I will avoid places I have to go, such as a shop
for work like the butchers (Im a chef) because I worry for hours before
hand about the 3 or so minutes of ‘banter’ I will have to have with them
whilst waiting for my order, convinced when I leave they will say all
these negative things about me like I'm an idiot or boring etc. Also I
have started to avoid seeing some of my best friends and my goddaughter
as I think I will run out of things to say and look foolish. Im so bored
of this! Recently I cant leave my house and walk down the street without
thinking everybody I pass is somehow looking at me and judging me. If
I'm going to a cafe I will go over and over the words I need to use and
what I will say in my head before I walk in and order a coffee. To most
people this would sound completely ridiculous and I too know that it is
completely irrational and that the server in the coffee shop wont
remember the guy that said ‘hello, can I have a latte’ in a strange way
that morning but I cant help it. I consider myself to be reasonably
intelligent so I don’t suffer too much from intellectual self-esteem
issues, but I cant help constantly thinking that my hair must look
stupid or im walking funny or im drinking from my water bottle too
loudly when I'm somewhere. Always convinced that the look a shop
assistant gives me is because I look strange. It is so frustrating as I
know it doesn't make sense and yet I can never stop the repeating
thoughts and its driving me crazy! Also no matter how much sleep I get I
very rarely feel normal and ‘awake’, it does happen sometimes but I
often feel almost dizzy or just slightly out of touch like I'm not quite
there almost like a little cloudy? or slightly dreamy? Its hard to find
the words to describe this adequately does anyone know what I mean? I
have always drunk a lot of alcohol, often more than a bottle of red wine
or equivalent most nights for pretty much the last ten years. Recently
because of study I have cut that down and even managed to stop for a
week. I had always thought that this had added to my feelings but it
turns out that they were still there, I even gave up cigarettes too and
they still are, and so I guess I have no more excuses other than to try
and work out what is really the problem and do something about it.
Despite all these negative thoughts I honestly think most people who
know me would say I'm almost always happy and quite confident. No one
including my girlfriend of two years knows quite how frequent and on
rotation the thoughts are, and generally i cope alright, well outwardly
anyway, I'm sure some of you know what I mean but it is tiring. I know
these problems aren't as debilitating as some peoples on here but I
guess I would love to know if anyone who has similar thoughts what has
worked for you and perhaps what you think my next step should be. When I
started writing this I thought a GP would probably send me home and tell
me its nothing if I told them but putting it down on paper, and there
are so many more examples, I kind of just realised how much I bend my
life and put up with stuff because of this and I'm sure there is
something I can do. Often it is all consuming and I can't think about
anything else, a feeling I'm sure a lot of people will be familiar with.
If I look back into my past I can find times right back to high school
when I have felt I have struggled socially and so I don't know whether
much has changed or whether I'm just more aware of them recently. I hate
the idea of medication in almost any form and have probably only taken a
handful of nurofen in the past ten years so I'm hoping there is some
other option. Anyway I feel happier having made this step. Thanks for
reading
Hi! Check out this post if you're not sure how to start
