Anxiety about family

[Ranga-1]

Hello, everyone.

For the past few years, my life has been incredibly stressful. My husband has had less than optimum health for a long time, but the past 18 months have been particularly difficult. He almost died about 18 months ago and since then it's been one thing after the other (mainly stemming from the major medical episode). He can't work and this upsets him. I have to work and am finalising my degree (which I'm very happy about achieving). 

The main thing I'm worrying about at the moment is our 19yo son. He's resumed studies but has to attend the institution in another town two days a week, and it's difficult to motivate him. He does not drive owing to a medical condition and he had a minor medical episode a few weeks ago (he is now taking better care of himself, which is great). I worry for his mental health, too. I told him we support him on this journey and to talk to us if he needs to. He and I have a good relationship, so I'm grateful for that. We're in a rural town with no opportunity for what my son is interested in, so I'm helping him with getting ready to move to the 'Big Smoke', which I think will be good for him. I've ordered a book targeted towards young adults in their transition from living at home. 

I'm so worried all the time. I am a catastrophiser, which doesn't help me. I hate this fear and it's making it hard for me to concentrate on my studies. The stress has been ongoing for months.

Has anyone else been through similar?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your worry seems to be the core issues along with others. Worry is great for producing ulcers and not much else. 

You are taking the main burden in your home so it's all taking it's toll. I have a few ideas.

Your husband, if he had a passion, he likely wouldn't be so eager to return to work.  A hobby could fill the gap for a while. A local men's shed?

Your son, if he could get shared accommodation that way he's with someone. Can't help much on that sorry.

Please google

Beyondblue worry worry worry

Beyondblue distraction and variety 

Beyondblue anxiety- how I eliminated it 

Beyondblue who cares for the carer?

Reply anytime

TonyWK 

[Ranga-1]

THanks, TonyWK.

My husband does have a once-a-week hobby, which is good. I will try to get him involved with Men's Shed and Men's Table. 

My son needs a job as well as study. He did have one, but he wasn't as reliable as he should have been. I daresay he's learned from that experience and I've suggested he get helps from his job service provider about moving forward. I've been very reassuring about learning from mistakes etc. The book I've ordered has tenant's rights, share accommodation, etc. It will be a great resource for him. I'm expecting it to arrive over the next week or so. 

[Croix]

Dear Ranga-1~

Welcome and like Tony I can see that you care about your family a lot, and as circumstances are difficult it places a big burden one you, which makes for even more wiht job and study.

Boht Mens' Shed and Mens' Table are excellent, the advantage of Mens' Table being if there is not one in the area perhaps one can be started.

One thing that occurs ot me about your son's lack of motivation is he may be anxious too about his father's condition and perhaps the idea of mortality. While this is something you can talk about with  him perhaps simply time with his father, if they are willing might be good.

The book sounds a good idea however you did not list one of the most important things for a young person  leaving home, and that 's simple cooking:)

Are you bearing all these burdens by yourself? Does you husband, another member of the family, or a friend talk these things over with you so you not not so isolated. While thay may not be able to fix anything just listening and showing they care makes a difference.

I too have catastrophisation at times , however this is the result of an anxiety condition. Do you think it might be worth while being assessed to see if this is only temporary (which considering the circumstances is very undersandable) or something more long term?

Croix

[Ranga-1]

Thanks, Croix. 

I forgot to mention it is my plan to get my son a simple recipe book, too; something like '4 Ingredients'. 

I do have regular sessions with a psychologist. She mentioned at our last one I was catastrophising. I'm aware I do it a lot and have done so for a long time. By the same token, I have had to deal with a lot of stress for a long time. So much happened at once: husband became unable to work, my dad died, there were issues with his estate (thanks to his grubby family), which was problematic especially for me because we were struggling financially. Then I had stress at work when the place became toxic. I had palpitations and catastrophisations manifesting then (this was a few years back). 

As I mentioned in my original post, my husband became extremely ill about 18 months ago, requiring intubation. It was a problem arising from previously-undiagnosed diabetes. I was told to prepare for the worst. He pulled through, but since then, it's been one thing after another for him. And now I'm worried about my son. I also have to do a practicum placement in May (I'm excited but worried I might stuff it up). My mind has been Catastrophise Central!

[white knight]

I'm pleased Croix chipped in. Indeed catastrophising is a major issue and common with my mother that was handed down as anxiety to us kids. My therapist many years ago identified with this and focussed on how to stop it. He taught me how to consider what are unrealistic thoughts. 

For example following a workplace incident that left me 10 months off work I would do gardening thinking my boss would knock on my door. A totally unreal thought, so what was the benefit of it- zero, what was the ramifications- plenty as it festered into filling my head with negative dreams. 

So, self help can include judging if a thought has a realness to it and if not then either think about erasing it or easier still, become distracted with another activity. The most simple change of environment helps. Eg when gardening I could go inside and make a cuppa and by then I'm thinking about something else.

TonyWK

[Ranga-1]

Thank  you, Tony. My main worry (anxiety bugbear) at the moment is keeping my son motivated for TAFE. He likes the subject but if he's demotivated, it's going to be hard to get him on taht early train (it's two days per week). I'm trying to rein in my anxiety, or at least make it not noticeable for my son - he doesn't need to be worrying about me! I wonder if he worries about his dad, too. He hasn't seen his dad in regular employment for many years and I wonder how this has affected my son. Also, he will have noted his dad's depression. He and his dad used to clash a bit, but not so much now. I've told his dad to consider it a mental health issue and be supportive and helpful, but point out son has to help as well, without being adversarial. 

I'm just reminding myself to be supportive and congratulate my son on the good choices he's been making insofar as diet and cutting down on certain vices are concerned. That being said, I don't want to overdo it and be like a helicopter mum. That might just annoy him and be counterproductive. 

[Croix]

Dear Ranga-1~

You mentioned "I'm just reminding myself to be supportive and congratulate my son on the good choices he's been making ", so I'm asking who congratulations you?

Dealing with financial problems, inheritance issues plus an ill husband and a son that needs assistance is all on your shoulders and you are doing a mighty job.

Anxiety is made worse by this and I'm hoping your psychologist does not just work on dry explanations as to how you are but gives practical tools to help you overcome dwelling too much on the possibility of disaster.

While it does not make problems go away it can place them in potion and your actions and thoughts change accordingly.

As an example I try to have one thing I do every evening for me, it need not be big, but it should distract and puts me in a different world, and be something I can look forward to doing during the day.

Many people have contributed ideas, if you look at a Grace's thread

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/self-help-tips-for-managing-anxiety/m-p/50482

You will be amazed at the number of ideas. As it is a very long thread I'd just suggest skimming parts, otherwise you may get bogged down by the sheer bulk of it.

Croix

[Ranga-1]

Thank you, Croix. As they say, no-one cares for the carer!

At least teh estate got sorted. It was nightmarish, but it got sorted. On the bright side, whilst I do not consider myself to be wealthy, we were able to pay off our mortgage, which is a great weight off the shoulders! Also did some repairs and renovations, which are good. But the legal fight and the wedge that was driven into the family was soul-destroying. I attended my aunt's funeral (and the grubs didn't even tell us she'd died; my brother happened to see it on Facebook) and got the cold shoudler from some, but I did it to represent dad. Another relative died a few months later. Again, I attended to represent my late father, and a few relatives walked past with their noses in the air! I felt like telling them, 'Sandpit's that way, children.' That being said, most relatives were very welcoming to me and my son (who was my support person). It was so offensive and hurtful, and caused SO much grief during the legal process. My son, then aged 15, decided to not to volunteer for a school excursion for which he was eligible (a trip to Texas to see some astronaut place). He told me that he didn't think we could afford it. My heart was broken. Had it not been for the actions of stupid and avaricious relatives, he might have had the trip of a lifetime (this was just before Covid).

My psychologist is great. I always feel better after I've seen/telephoned her. 

[Croix]

Dear Ranga-1`

You said "As they say, no-one cares for the carer!" which is often true, however a lot depends upon what you believe yourself, you do a fine job and should always realize that. It can help to realize that  when things are tough.

I'm glad some of your relatives did give you a warm welcome, sadly deaths and wills can bring out the  worst in families, and once broken it is hard to get back together again as you have seen people's true natures.

Your son sounds a very considerate person, giving up a real adventure to preserved family finances, an act of generosity. Hopefully if he still wants it then it may happen in the future. Incidentally having no mortgage is great! I remember when mine was paid off and we no longer had that huge drain each month.

Maybe supporting you can give him the motivation and interest you fear he is lacking at the moment. Between his falter's illness and the behaviors of some of the relatives he has probably seen a great deal to discourage a person, and responsibility may help.

Croix