Anxiety about alcohol and partner drinking

[ree1610]

long story short

my dad was an alcoholic and abused my mum for a long time from when I was 3 years old up until they split up when I was 8 . Before they split up my mum tried to end her life . I’ve come to find that I really don’t like alcohol and those I love drinking . My partners been with me since 2016 and has respected that . We moved close to his family now and where his mates live . Now he obviously wants to go and drink with his mates on their birthdays etc and special occasions . In my head I know this is still him compromising and I really do appreciate it but I’m finding it hard to cope with him even doing that . I try to talk to him about it but he says that he just wants to be able to do normal  things and why should he have to suffer for something he hasn’t done and that it affects him too which I feel terrible about daily . I’m also on medication for my anxiety every night and have been for a long time . I’m beginning trauma counselling soon to hopefully help but I guess what I’m asking is is it selfish of me to not want him to ? And to really not want him around that environment ? It just stresses me to the max and I end up having a panic attack over it 

[Sophie_M]

Hi ree1610,  Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and we can imagine how incredibly hard that would be to deal with, but we’re glad you were able to open up to this community and that you are going to see a trauma counsellor in the near future.
 
It sounds like your partner has been very supportive with your trauma and it is a difficult space to navigate. We wanted to let you know that we’re here, and you can talk to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors about this at any time you think it would be helpful on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat. You can also talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEDT). Their counsellors are very experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.   
 
Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.   
 
Kind regards, 

[ree1610]

Thankyou and I have spoken on the phone to beyond blue last week and it was a great help . It was great to talk to someone who understands and doesn’t judge me for how I feel 

[ecomama]

Dear ree1610, welcome to the forums. I hope you find this a safe space to share your journey and meet some lovely members at the same time. 

It must be so difficult having this situation trigger past traumas for you, which bring it RIGHT up to the present which is horrid. 

Of course you feel this way, given your own childhood memories of abuse and trauma. I hope your mum did well after separating? 

I get it. 

A very similar thing happened with me in a previous marriage and it had to end, it just became a whole lot worse but that was MY experience, it may not be yours. 

Clearly you don't want to give up on your relationship. Your partner did seem to be very supportive until you moved back around the same buddies etc. 

I guess you need to ask yourself "What is a deal breaker for me?"
I'm SURE therapy will help you in so many ways BUT it may never change your partner's drinking and that's a scenario that's more real than ever now. 

We're here for you to share any time of the day or night. 

Please let us know how you're going, 
Love EMxxxx

[ree1610]

Hey em 

thanks for your comment . 
yes my mum was okay after separating. It was hard on her but it was for the best and now she is married to my step father . 
Where we lived before we moved he never really had a reason to drink either .  But now it’s different as you said and as I realised pretty quickly . 
he had mates over for his birthday in July not long after we moved and I said whatever you can drink a little bit and he did but he sort of drank that much he woke up groggy and had a headache the next day . In a way I’m also worried if he can even control himself enough to not drink too much with his mates . He is meant to be going this weekend for his mates birthday dinner and it’s got me on edge constantly . I’m afraid to talk to him about it because it usually ends in an argument because he doesn’t want to listen to me constantly explaining why I don’t like it or telling him that I’m not sure if I can handle it . I love him and I’m really trying to hang in there but it’s hard sometimes . I feel terrible because I can’t really control my anxiety about it and as he said he has to suffer because of it ..

do you think I’m selfish for not wanting him to drink ? Is it wrong of me ? 
we also have a four year old daughter together so it’s imperative I do everything I can to make it work the best I can for her .

[ree1610]

so I made a post the other day about being anxious about my partner going out drinking with his mates as my dad was an alcoholic and I can’t stand the thought of someone I love doing it . I watched someone I love turn into something I didn’t know . 

We moved to where my mil lives and where most of my partners family lives as he was missing them and wanted to be closer . As a result any of my family is in now in another state and 8+ hours away . Since we have been here he has constantly been telling me he’s sick of not being able to drink whenever he wants and just wants to do normal things . He has told me to get over myself and asked me why can’t I just be Normal . Called me lots of names which has hurt . He didn’t drink for 5 years as he had no reason to now it’s different . 

he is going out to his mates birthday celebration in two days an hour and a half away . I also suffer from separation anxiety from him as well as my normal anxiety about drinking and he said he has to stay the night because coming back late is too dangerous . I tried to explain that right now mentally I’ve not been handling things and have felt really  alone and been struggling to control my anxiety especially at night time and when I wake up . And that I think it would be best if maybe he arranges it for another time to see them . He basically said he shouldn’t have to suffer because of me anymore and that he’s not missing out either way . He said he’d have two-3 drinks and then said no I meant an hour while I’m there not for the whole night . Overal I’m just stressed and feeling alone and need some reassurance I’m not alone 

[ecomama]

Dear ree1610, I remember posting on your other thread. 

This is a difficult situation for you. I went through a very similar set of circumstances and the marriage had to end a year after we'd moved interstate to be near his family and friends, both of whom were daily drinkers until drunk sets of people. 
So was he. 

It was disguised while we were together living without alcohol at all. It escalated to include the facts that he also had a compulsive gambling addiction he couldn't control and more... much more. 

Did you mention on your other thread that you were seeking Counselling support? 
I would strongly recommend this for you. 

These dynamics make it far more your problem than it will ever be his problem.
He doesn't have a problem with his drinking. 

It's cruel that things have escalated to him calling you names. 

Please make mental notes of this ie the potential of things escalating more between you both. 

If you need someone to talk to please call 1800RESPECT or the BB Helplines, most especially while he's away at his mate's birthday event. 
Have you thought about flying home for the weekend he's away? Seeing family and friends and having them around you during this time could help a lot. 

I don't want to come across as "blunt" as I know you're hurting and wish for solutions... but I don't see his behaviours improving, no matter what you say or do. That's only my opinion, IDK how this will all pan out. 

TONS of self-care is needed, 
Love EMxxxx

[ree1610]

I am wanting to do counselling  for it yes . But I heard it can take years to see any improvement and I’m worried about support during it . 

He said it doesn’t bother him drinking and I said yeah I know that trust me I can see that . I asked him today does he understand any of my anxiety or how I feel and he very bluntly replied no I don’t understand it . I try to explain it to him but I feel it creates more tension . Just to note as well he quite often chooses to go to sleep when we have discussions like this . He just doesn’t want to deal with it I guess . 
Which makes me extremely upset 

I guess I was hoping he would realise he has the rest of his life to see his mates and do this now that we moved here and that if I’m not handling things he would realise that and be there to support me when I really need it . I think being away from him at night especially makes the anxiety worse because I don’t like not having him around overnight .

[Flop]

Hey Ree,

I hate to say it but that sounds like some of the least considerate stuff I've heard. In part, I'm sure you can see his point, your trauma makes it hard for him to ""enjoy"" himself, but I'm sure you'd compromise as long as he didn't get blind drunk. You seem super reasonable, asking to reschedule vs no you can't leave my side ever, despite that's how you may feel inside. I'm upset for you in a way and I'd know how I'd feel if a partner treated me the same way.

From the sounds of things he blames a lot of how he may feel inside on you, which is unfair and also not true. People have 2 responses to vulnerability in different situations, they either want to hurt more or console, and I'm sure you know which he's opting into. He's sound of mind and these are the actions he chooses to take and the words he chooses to use. I'm very sorry for your situation.

Be strong and never let him push you around. I'm in no way insinuating any sort of action, I can't say something like "you need to get out of there" from one post, but if you feel like this more than often you aren't stuck. I just hope that isn't the case and he's just being unreasonable due to stress or something. I get the frustration of maybe having to reschedule, but when your partner comes to you in a crisis you put everything else on hold, like I'm sure you would if it were him.

In terms of advice I'm not too sure what I can offer, but you aren't alone in your feelings, even as I write this I feel for you. Be strong. Maybe just distract the heck out of yourself with movies while he's gone.

You have my sympathy, I wish he understood.