Andult Learner Driver and Anxiety

[CaffinatedCat]

Hi. I'm 35 and learning to drive. I also suffer from pannic attacks, have GAD, clinical depression and intrusive thoughts.

I'm terrified when I get behind the wheel. My anxiety is at 4000 percent, especially when my partner is helping me learn. I know it's worse when he's with me because I don't want him to be disappointed with me. I've been trying to work out what's feeding this severe anxiety and I've had a million ideas. Lol but doesn't help.

My stomach gets so twisted up in anxiety I often can't eat and get diarrhoea..

I've had it drilled into me all my life that driving is like a right of passage for adults. My theory is that I'm so frightened of failure it's causing my nerves. My depression and anxiety make me over overly critical of myself. Last night I drove to the in laws and back. Didn't do too badly either but got home n cries for an hour or so because all I could hear in my head was what I didn't wrong, how I'm a failure and how iill never drive.

If anyone has any tips please share. I've had GAD all my life and should ha e learnt as a teen to drive. Learning as an adult is so much harder.

[Quercus]

Hi CaffinatedCat (love the name by the way!) and welcome to the forums.

Good on you for taking the plunge and deciding to learn to drive! It seems so easy for many people but for some it is a massive and terrifying step to take.

I used to feel so stupid because people made it out to be 'no big deal' and I desperately wanted the freedom and independence driving gives you... But my anxiety was enormous and no amount of pep talk or logical arguments changed that. Hopefully having replies here helps reassure you that what you're feeling is totally valid and understandable.

I didn't learn to drive either until my late 20s and was nodding along to pretty much everything you mentioned. The tears, the upset tummy, the anxiety and absolute fear of making mistakes and being judged. My family booked and paid for lessons to force me to learn and I was an utter mess. I got my licence (no choice really it was a lot of money to pay) and then never drove for years afterwards. Being capable didn't change anything because my anxiety wasn't remotely managed.

So to get to your question... What helped??

1. Lessons with trainer specialising in adult clients. Yes they do exist. As much as loved ones may want to help I do think it comes down to finding someone who has the patience to understand that this is a massive source of anxiety for you.

2. Constant practice. Eventually I bought a car. Started with small trips until driving became more comfortable. It took years.

3. Managing anxiety and seeking professional help. this probably should be point one but it wasn't something I did. At the time I didn't recognise that I felt was anxiety. But breaking down in tears after an uneventful drive is a worry. Do you see a doctor or psychiatrist to manage your anxiety?

Since I started medication for depression one thing I noticed was how significantly less anxious I felt generally. It had never occurred to me that life could feel any other way. But if I compare driving now and driving pre medication I wish I'd known to seek help earlier. The difference in how I feel is enormous.

Good luck with your driving practice. It isn't easy and I admire you having the guts to try anxiety and all. Would love to hear how you progress if you feel like sharing again.

Nat

[Alexlisa]

Hello CaffinatedCat.

Firstly I just want to say how proud of you I am that you’re doing this! I’m 37 and still can’t drive. I also have GAD and found the learning process unbelievably stressful. I’d often be in tears and shaking while still in the car. My senses and hyper vigilance were turned up to 1000. While I’ve never learned to drive, and decided I’d prefer not to, there were some things that I found useful when I was learning.

The most useful was having a set time/day that I was going to practice. It made it easier for me to commit because it became routine, and routines can be quite calming. It meant that I stopped feeling like having to practice could be sprung unexpectedly on me at any moment. I was finding that I was so stressed out every evening and weekend just because of the expectation I’d go and practice at some point. So by the time I was in the car I was already a nervous wreak of expectation.

Another thing that I think would have helped was to better consider who was teaching me. You mentioned that you find it stressful with your boyfriend. Is there anyone else you feel you’d be more comfortable with? I think some people are just not cut out to teach other people how to drive. My partner tried to teach me and her stress and the pressure I felt from her made it so much worse. If I were to try again I’d choose someone calmer and preferably someone who understood anxiety.

The other thing that helped was being in control of where I drove. Sometimes it can feel like we have no control of the situation, so it can help if we recognise what we actually are in control of. Early on it can be best to stick to areas that are calm, spacious and quiet. And that you don’t feel pressured to move on from this until YOU know you’re ready, and then you decide where to practice next. I let my partner push me into areas I wasn’t comfortable with too early and it made me so much more fearful overall.

I might not ever learn to drive but I want to assure you that it is possible for someone with GAD to learn. My mum has the most severe and lifelong GAD I’ve ever seen and she is a good driver. She might not go to many areas that she’s unfamiliar with, but she accepts that and makes it work for her. Also, if you do get to a point where you decide driving just isn’t for you, that’s ok too. Perhaps it’s just not the right time for you and you need to get some psychological help for your GAD first.

Take care and good luck. We believe in you ☺️

Alexlisa

[Blue_Bag]

Hi Caffinated Cat,

I'm a driving instructor and would like to begin by congratulating you for persevering with your learn-to-drive journey. Whilst not wanting to over-normalise your challenges, I feel it's important to point out that it is incredibly common for learners to be more anxious when driving with a partner - It is more often-than-not a tricky dynamic to say the least. You also indicated that mature aged learners find it more difficult, and In general I would have to agree, however in my experience, they still ultimately become licensed drivers - and very often, far safer than their under 25 counterparts.

If at all possible I would encourage you to narrow your focus to professional lessons. I suggest you email numerous driving instructors with an enquiry styled similar to your post. Don't hesitate to ask questions. Ask them about their instruction techniques, how they have previously supported clients with anxiety challenges and anything else that may provide you with peace of mind. A good start would likely be an instructor who addresses ALL your concerns and seeks to learn more, for example: what are your goals, driving history, anxiety triggers and learning style - (Instructional versus Student-Centred - Visual, Auditory, Reading,Kinesthetic). During lessons a good RAPPORT is key for individuals with anxiety challenges, so don't be afraid to try different instructors until you find the right fit for you.

You have shared a great deal of self-awareness here so a driving journal may possibly help you identify stress and anxiety triggers as well as strategy options. Whether we choose to admit it or not we're ALL afraid of failing anything that's important to us; but try not to think about the VERY OLD a driver's licence is a 'rite of passage' line -- they're simply words with little-to-no meaning. If you fail the driving test, you take away your learnings and you go again! Having witnessed a great many folks with missing limbs, cerebral palsy and severe anxiety become licensed drivers, suggests to me that if you stick with the process you will too -- find an instructor that tells you the same. I wish you all the best with it.

[Quercus]

Hello again CaffinatedCat,

Just couldn't help myself but post again. I really hope you have returned to read replies, it would be lovely to hear what you think of them especially Blue Bag's. No pressure though.

I hope it is ok if I share a welcome and thank you to Blue Bag too.... What a wonderful post. If I could click helpful repeatedly I would. Hope to see you about the forums also.

Nat

[Blue_Bag]

Hi Quercus,

Thank you kindly for the warm welcome. Always happy to contribute to such a worthwhile and supportive community.

BB

[Autumn77]

Hey Cat,

I'm just thinking, what sort of driving are you doing? Distance, familiar paths? Maybe you just need to take it back a notch. Do what is comfortable for you atm and slowly build up from there.

Take your time.