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Admitting there's a problem

Newbie01
Community Member

Hi,

I guess I'm here because I'm new to this and I need to get this off my chest. I've always considered myself to be a strong, independent and happy person. I haven't been to see my GP yet for a diagnosis, because I'm still not sure if what I feel is normal, or if I need help. It's been a tough 6 months for me.

The anxiety started a few months ago when I experience a huge betrayal of trust within my marriage. Since then, tiny things will trigger my anxiety....a song, something on facebook, an article in the news. Even just the image of a naked woman in a movie, makes me feel inadequate and triggers the fear that he's going to leave. I find myself worrying constantly about whether our relationship will survive, if I'm good enough to hold on to him, what he's doing and who he's talking to when we're apart, and there have been many days lately where I just feel completely numb. I feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough to keep him interested, even thought he tells me constantly how much he loves me. Some days I feel like something inside me broke that day, and I don't know how to fix it. Then some days I feel like I'm okay and coping with things as I should be.

I'm trying to be a good mum to our son when he's away (he works FIFO), but some days like today I just don't have the energy to do anything. I work full time, and the guilt I feel when I can't play with him when we get home is overwhelming. Today I was awarded employee of the month at work, a title I've been waiting to get for a year, and it felt like nothing. I didn't even care. I forced out a smile for those congratulating me and it felt like such an effort. More than anything, I'm afraid to tell him how I feel because I know he blames himself. He's sensing that I'm unhappy and wants to desperately to be able to fix it. Its so hard trying to explain that he can't "fix it", that it's something inside of me and there's no switch to just turn these feelings off.

In addition to all of this, we've been trying to conceive a second baby for a year now and have just begun our fertility investigations. Bloods tests and scans galore. And I have moments where I don't know if I should be going through with it, with our relationship not at its best. I know babies don't fix things. I'm stressed and worried, and feeling so out of control of my life right now. I'm just exhausted. Mentally exhausted from trying to push all these feelings deep down.

5 Replies 5

Mummybee
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello,

firstly you said you weren't sure if this was normal? I think it's a fairly normal anxious reaction to a pretty traumatic life event. The fact that it has lingered on so long, that it's impacting on your life and your ability to cope day to day indicates you have come to the right place!

most people on this forum suffer from different degrees of anxiety, for many different reasons, some of them for years, some just short periods. you certainly aren't alone.

hopefully your anxiety is based around the "stressor" that is your marriage, and I guess that's good that you know what is causing it because it means you can attempt to fix it. How? I'm not really sure. It sounds like time isn't really helping you.

im sure you will get lots of advice here. Trying to parent young children when your feeling this way is very tough, I sympathise there.

self talk and keeping active help me keep my anxiety semi under control. Lots of people have lots of ideas about things that can help.

in your case perhaps a trip to your gp to discuss your feelings would help.

try and enjoy your weekend with your family. We are just a few clicks away so don't feel alone.

mummybee 

Guest_1055
Community Member

Dear Newbie01

You sound like such a caring and beautiful person.  I have not been through an experience exactly like yours. But I have felt that deep and wrenching pain of being betrayed by someone you love and trust. And it does feel like your heart breaks. And I think it hurts more when you really really love that person, and for me it was not an easy task to trust that person again. But I do now, but it did take time to trust again. Every now and then that same wrenching feeling would rise again, but not with the same intensity. But as time went on that intensity kept getting less and less.

From my experience pushing down our feelings deep inside and locking them up there does us no good at all. So I think you did a good thing writing and posting your thoughts and feelings here.Like you said, get it off your chest, it is pretty safe here too, to do that as well. So I really hope you feel a bit better by doing that. And I am sending you a hug, because I care about you, and want you to know that.

With love

Shelley anne XXX

 

 

Shelley Anne and Mummybee have provided superb answers.

Trust is such a personal decision. I know both my wife and I have declared to each other we could not trust again if we wandered from our marriage. So I'm really sad for you that you have been placed in such a situation. But he has done that and you haven't. It's his fault so he must accept the consequences for your individual feelings, no matter what they are. And if that takes 5 years then so be it. Sounds harsh but its the way it is.

Mind you I think he does love you. I'm a man and when younger and single  I could relate more to the wandering male with that need to plant his seeds far and wide. It is an instinct thing to want to conquer another attractive lady. Then once married to my first wife even though we were totally incompatible sexually I remained faithful. But I worked with many a security guard on night shift that boasted of their achievements outside their marriage. It surprised me in fact how wide spread it was.

If I was in your situation (having remained with him) I'd sit down with him with a heart to heart . I'd tell him the journey to near where you were when trust wasn't an issue looks like it will be a long one. Also that your mental strength has taken a beating and you know you need help and recovery. You also know that help has to come from him in terms of support and ongoing trust and that it isn't your fault in any way.

It is likely you want your children close in age gap. I'd put that on hold until that journey till recovery is well on course. Hope that helps.

Tony WK

Thanks Tony,

It was good to hear a male's perspective. We too had always had the understanding that infidelity would not be tolerated in our relationship, which is why I never worried about it before. He always made it clear that if I ever strayed, that would be the end of it. I should clarify that my husband has not been physically unfaithful (that I'm aware of). What I discovered was several casual relationships with women via an app called snapchat, by where he was receiving (and possibly sending) graphic photos, and intimate messages. This is the reason I won't throw away 6 years of a good thing, but since we began our relationship online, it is soul-shattering for me to think that he might find this again with somebody else. I know that working in the mines is lonely and frustrating for him and we have had many talks since this happened about both of our feelings, and the time that it is going to take to repair our trust. I know he loves me. What hurt most is knowing how long he lied to me about it, and continued to do so right up until I confronted him with the evidence. This is why I'm finding it so hard to trust him and be happy again.

I'm still trying to gather my strength to tell him that I think I may have depression and/or anxiety though. I'm not quite there yet. I don't know if he'll really understand that its not just a temporary reaction to something particular thats happened on any given day....that its a constant feeling that comes and goes in waves for no reason...

Mummybee
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello again,

There is a couple of very old sayings that come to mind when I read your story.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger 

time heals all wounds 

 in the first instance I think the "you" is more your relationship. If you can both get through this, including your associated anxiety, I think your relationship will be all the better for it. In saying that, the second saying I refer to can take a very LONG time... Trust is something that cannot be fixed with a conversation or a promise.

when the people we depend on and love let us down, it can be the hardest mental struggle to get through.

but I think you will get through it

mummybee