Accepting anxiety/panic

[Bella11]

I am 51 and have been living with anxiety/panic since I was 10.  I kept it a secret from my family until recently.  I would make excuses for not attending functions but recently I was unable to travel to a couple of family weddings and decided to tell some members of my family that I had terrible anxiety and panic.  The wedding was on top of a cliff and I have a terrible phobia of heights. The other wedding was at the base of an escarpment that I would have to travel down to get to.  My father got stuck into me and told me I was letting the family down and hurting my niece and nephew by not attending.  My fears and phobias have also now become the family joke.  I am also afraid of flying and every family get together someone makes a comment about drugging me and putting me on a plane or a joke about heights sometimes in front of other people who I don't know so well.  I feel humiliated.  It feels very lonely and embarrassing to be me.  It is hard to keep friends because going for a shopping trip into town or the movies with them is too difficult for me.  I have tried to explain to some friends my situation and they seem to understand but then I don't get invites or get replies or they make a comment that stings.  I am trying to put myself out there and join groups but I am struggling as I am not very confident and don't find it easy to talk to people.  Life for me feels like walking through thick heavy cement.  I haven't worked since 2007 and would like to work as a legal secretary but I find it too hard to travel far from home.  I hand delivered my resume to local law firms and other businesses but got no replies.  I think it was a mistake to tell my family and friends about my anxiety/panic as it has only made my alienation and humiliation worse.  My husband supports me and understands but it takes its toll on him and I try not to ask him to do anything for me as I don't want to be a burden to him.  I want to be as independent as I can.  I hope by joining this group I might find some kindred spirits who understand.

[white knight]

Hi Bella,  welcome to beyond blue forums

You'll certainly get understanding. My wife is an intravert and has depression. I have depression, anxiety, bipolar 2 and dysthymia.

I'm more "out there" than her but as a consequence get hurt more often by others. She remains quieter and not outgoing but gets hurt less.

It is cruel to have it put on you from your dad about "family responsibilities" gee, so your health is less important than others like a wedding. And for what its worth fears like clifftops etc are REAL!  I wont fly now. Been flying all my life but not now. I'm 59yo. I am a member of a car club but I now wont confirm I'm attending an event unless I'm fully comfortable going. They ask for numbers but I wont confirm I'm going till the day before, as I might not be feeling well.

Our issues in life are about other people. We are not in this world to live up to others expectations. We are in this world to give our best for others and if that isnt good enough then move on, find others that make us happy and appreciate us. Quote the above whenever you get opposition.

We are special individuals. When others criticise me or laugh at my problems I stare at them and say "I'll remember that comment". They soon get the message. Going on the front foot is needed. Learn how to do that.

I often recommend Maharaji, a spiritual leader that has several videos on youtube. His wisdom is priceless and I've been listening to him for 25 years.  Google "Maharaji prem rawat sunset" to start you off with his very best message and have a listen. It assisted my anxiety recovery

If your world shrinks a little from people no longer in your life due to you discarding them....doesnt mean it is such a bad thing. If they realise and make effort to make up and understand then they are worth having back.

Good luck  Tony WK

[Neil_1]

Dear Bella

I’d like to wish you a warm welcome to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Your post made me feel so low for you – here you were finally getting the courage and strength to open up to your family and hoping for their support, possibly understanding – but all you’ve received from them is mirth and humiliation.  I’m sorry, but I have very little more to say about your family if that’s the way they’ve chosen to be towards you.   I am pleased that at least your husband is supportive – mega phew there.

I do know what you mean by also not wanting to put out too much information about how you are, for fear that the burden will become too big a load for him to handle, or for what you might say, it could make him feel, perhaps awkward or even not fully understanding.

Sorry, just back to your family and the crap way they’ve treated you since you opened up to them – and this is entirely on you, etc, but for how they are with you, I would think that this is something you would be very keen to avoid in the future.   Ie:  if it were me, I’d be aiming to have as little contact with any of them as possible.  This could make them see the light and ‘come around’ a bit, but judging from what you’ve said, I kind of doubt it.

I would like to say ‘big congrats’ to you for coming here and posting – and to continue to try and reach out for other kinds of support – and you know, I understand so well where you say ‘you don’t find it easy to talk to people’;  yes, I’m very much like that and I know from being on here quite a bit, that’s many others out there who are like this also.  So I hope that eases some of your concerns, in that you’re not on your own with these kinds of feelings.

This is a wonderful supportive community here on Beyond Blue and I hope that in the first instance you’re able to respond back to this – but also if you can find the time, to have a squiz through the different forum areas and you may find other like-minded folk who have already posted and with what they say, you may be able to say “Yeah, I feel that too”.

But yeah, would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Bella11]

Thank you so much white knight for your wise advice.  I wasn't sure if anyone would reply and am so delighted to not only have a reply but understanding as well.  It feels like a relief to have someone understand.  It encourages me to hear that we are 'special individuals' when I have felt like a freak so much in my life.  I like your wisdom about learning to stand up for myself and not let a comment pass without saying something.  I also feel supported that I am here to give my best for others and if it isn't good enough then move on.  I think I have put so much energy into keeping up a normal façade and rolling with the punches that it has left me exhausted and wounded.  Anxiety and panic are exhausting.  I will check out the Maharaji too.  Thanks again for your help.

[Bella11]

Thank you Neil1 for your reply.  I appreciate your words of support.  I am teary now because I feel enormous relief that you understand.  It doesn't take much to wound me when others make dismissive and cruel comments.  It reminds me of the saying 'when someone says something hurtful and calls it funny it is still hurtful'. It can be hard to make others understand when they are so limited and making a joke only keeps the wound open.  Anxiety has taken so much away from me.  I was dux of my school, have an honours degree but cannot work in the field I graduated in because of anxiety/panic.  It is hard not to feel like a failure.  I feel like I have just survived life rather than lived fully.  I am looking forward to reading the other posts.  I am sure, as you say, I will find plenty of kindred spirits.  Cheers, Bella11

[Neil_1]

Hi Bella

Hey, thank you so much for your latest reply.

I think mostly they’re just ignorant of this illness OR they could be bullies OR both.  But there is no cause at all for anyone to be making cruel comments and jokes – goodness me, and to a fellow family member.   But I had a similar kind of experience just before Christmas and it deflated me incredibly.  I completely wasn’t expecting it and subsequently, it flattened me – but after much pondering on it afterwards, I have built up my defence mechanisms big time, so if challenged with something so horrible again, I’ve got plenty of ammunition to fire back.

Too long I’ve been the door mat … but no more … no more being trodden on.  Whoops, slight digression to me there.

I get you totally when you say that it does take a lot of energy in keeping a façade or the ‘mask of depression’ – we have this mask on that hides what we really experience from the rest of the world.

You’ve got your anxiety and panic illnesses that you’re dealing with and it is also those that then speak to you in your mind about being a failure, because at certain times, they are winning the battle.  BUT with what you’ve posted and HOW you post, you’re very articulate with the way you express yourself – that is someone who is NOT a failure.  You were dux of your school – NOT a failure.  And wowee, you have an honours degree – NOT a failure.   There’ll be many other occurrences and things you’ve achieved throughout your life – all the while, while suffering from these mental illnesses – and to achieve those under such circumstances raises your standing in society, in other people’s minds, and hopefully in your own mind to that of someone who is truly damn awesome.

Again, I’ve rambled on a bit, but just wanted to say those things to you – I felt them very important to let you know.

Kind regards

Neil

Ps:  LOVE the daffodils.  🙂

[Bella11]

Thank you Neil1 for your kind words.  Haven't thought of things that way before.  It was very hard work to keep fronting up to lectures when I was crumbling inside and feeling so frightened.  Some days unable to leave the house.  I remember a boy I went to school with said I was dux of the school and have a degree but I am not doing anything with it now and what a failure I turned out to be.  I was stunned and I think those words have stayed with me.  To this day I am still getting those questions about all the study I did and why I am not using it now.  Anxiety/panic are cruel companions.  Thank you for lifting my spirits.  Bella11.

[Neil_1]

Awesome to hear from you again.

Yes, I agree with you that anxiety/panic are cruel companions, no doubt about that.

But I have to add something to what else are cruel companions – I’m sorry to say this, but it’s the tools (crap people) who have said those awful things to you.  Ok, in their defence they may not know what you suffer from and if they did, they may not have said it.  BUT I think it’s too late for that – people think by saying things like that it’ll make you think, “Oh hell, yes they’re right … what in the hell have I been thinking?   Why have I not acted on what I’ve achieved?”  

When for us, it’s the exact opposite – as you said to me, “you hadn’t thought of it that way before”;  because your illness has made you feel like you’ve failed and then those knobs who said those comments to you only then enhanced what your illness has you thinking.

We have to remove ourselves from such people and we have to build up an inner wall against such negativity.   And Bella, I think you not only can, but I think you’ve started already.  I say this, because you’ve come here to this site – and that is a huge sign of positivity.  You’re sick of all this sameness and feeling just blah – I believe you’re ready to set sail for sunnier and happier places.

You’ve got a tremendous amount of courage within you and I believe we can harness this and use it to make things in the future become better for you – making inroads against these nasty thoughts.  It takes courage to up and leave the house, it took you massive amounts of courage to dig deep and not only attend those lectures, but then to continue with that to then receive an honours degree, and Bella I’ve shortened that down massively.  I’ve only touched ‘briefly’ on what you really would have had to do and go through, all the while, struggling with your mental demons.

So I think the question now is where do we go from here?    Between myself and a few other posters on this site, do you have questions of us to try to help and guide you further?  I hope so, cause I really would like to help you out.

Kind regards

Neil