A prisoner in my own body

[Tiddles82]

Well i have been diagnosed with complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder late last year. My major problem is that my anxiety is getting alot worse, simple tasks like going shopping or visiting my parents (who only live about 30 min drive from where i live) are very hard for me.

I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and a Gp on a regular basis but even that i find really difficult atm with the constant severe panic attacks i am having.

Every relationship in my life is suffering atm from my 16 year old daughter who i have not seen in over four years to my romantic partners becoming violent and me left to pick up the pieces of my broken life all the time.

Well today i woke up crying so right away i knew i was having a bad day, my father had invited me out to see him today and i really wanted to go so i wiped my tears away and got dressed packed my stuff as i was going to stay the night and left. I had only just left the street and felt the anxiety starting to build but kept driving as i was trying to push myself like i always do.... got to the highway and all of a sudden bam panic attack full flight, so i immediately called my dad on the handsfree device in my car crying and telling him i couldn't come and see him as i was having a severe panic attack and asked him to talk to me until i got home. Driving slowly cause of the panic attack and feeling totally disoriented and extremely fearful and balling my eyes out he spoke to me until i got home.

I am sick of my panic attacks they are ruining my life and it seems that there is no end to it,i have been suffering since the age of 14,i feel like a prisoner in my own body and i feel so alone and depressed most of the time, i really dont know what more i can do to improve my quality of life. I feel like giving up at times.

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

I have a history of anxiety among other things like bipolar and depression. Thankfully I have only had one major panic attack the rest have been mild.

Ok, first of all you are getting professional help- great. So I wont interfere with that in any way. From a peer person with the experience of anxiety I can make some suggestions based on my own experiences.

• As your dad only lives 30 minutes away ask him to pick you up and drop you off on such visiting days until you have recovered. Better option than risking the same result as the other day.
• Relaxation. Do you do this? My most successful method of relaxation is muscle tensioning exercises. You lie down alone and no outside noise or interference. Start by tensioning up your feet muscles for 15 seconds and hold them tense. Release. Slow go up your body doing this with all muscles even your face and head. Take your time. At the end tense up all muscles and let go. Relax. I do this nightly even after 30 years. It lowers your heart rate.
• Deep breaths
• Thinking realistically. You know in your mind that there was nothing to worry about yet part of you freaked out. I had to learn to ask myself "am I being realistic"? maybe 20 times a day.
• Distractions. Music in a car can be good for this reason.

Here are some threads you can google. They might be what you are looking for.

Google

Beyondblue topic anxiety, how I eliminated it

Beyondblue topic know your limits

Beyondblue topic meltdown back to basics

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

I hope they help.

tonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hi Tiddles,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Can I start with asking how long you have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist? I have been seeing my psychologist for just over 1 year and psychiatrist for about 1/2 that time. I won't give you any advice in that area, and I am sure they will give you good advice on combating the panic attacks. Instead I will relate to you a couple of stories of conversations with my psychologist...

You said that you were unable to see your dad because of a panic attack, but he was able to get to get you back home over the phone. You are quite lucky to have supportive parents. Because of things that have happened in my recent life, I have been visiting my parents each Friday. We would talk about my health, theirs, and everything else in between. Being able to talk to someone else about what you are going through can be helpful. Of course, I don't tell my parents everything, but I guess that you needed someone to talk you, your dad sounds helpful.

My stories... one day (last year) I had a lunch appointment and Uni class the same night. Because of something I was working on, was feeling very down. To the point that I cancelled the lunch appointment and did not go to class. At the next session with my psychologist, I related what happened to her. I cannot remember exactly what I said next, but she indicated that it would be better to have gone to the appointment and class because they would have acted as distractions from my negative thoughts. Of course, this is easier said than done, as there also a time when I went to the art gallery instead of my parents place, because of how I was feeling and did not really want them to see me how I actually was. So I am aware of what you are feeling, even though all of our circumstances are different.

Not asking for your age, but I am nearly 50 and have been living with this since my teens. It will take a while to change my mindset, and in your parlance, from being a "prisoner in my own body" to living a normal life.

If you want to chat some more about this or anything else, please let me know. You are not alone and there are many people who are very helpful and supportive. Wishing you well,

Tim

[Tiddles82]

Thankyou for your reply White Knight. I have been seeing my psychiatrist and psychologist for about 6 months now and they are trying to find the right medication for me atm. So i have gone through a few changes in the last few months.

I am 36 years old and i have been seeing therapist on and off since the age of around the age of 19,i am hoping they can get the medication right so i can function better day to day.

My parents are very supportive and always do there best to help me in any way possible.

Thankyou once again for your reply and i wish you all the best aswell.