Why can't I pinpoint traits I like about others?

[Val_da_man]

First post in a long time. Forgot this was here.

I've been struggling with a scary concept. I can't say what I like in people, as in, I cannot tell what makes me enjoy people's company.

Even my best friend of many years. I cannot physically think of the words to describe my feelings. When they talk badly about themselves, I feel the need to remind them I love them, but I know you'd usually want to hear something beyond just. I love you?

But if I try to get to the bottom of my emotions it's empty. I don't know what I like. I can go for generic "you're funny!" comments but it feels fake.

I've been watching a lot of videos about yt drama between people, just as junk food basically, but this phrase stuck to me and is making me paranoid that I'm not a good friend. Paraphrased, this person spoke about how the lack of certainty and details in the compliments someone made meant they were insincere and never liked the people they spoke about.

Sorry if this is a ridiculous thing to ask. I just don't understand why I'm so dumb here.

Fyi, I am seeing a psychiatrist and am on a waiting list for a psychologist.

Tl;dr - Can't pinpoint positive traits to make friends feel loved, feel like I am fake/broken.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Val_da_man,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way about yourself. It reminded me of when I had a similar crisis about my identity and whether I was actually a genuine friend or not, caused by a major event that happened not long ago.

What I found was, I was lacking in direction in my own life, and I had a self-esteem issue. I had very little love for myself, and generally would doubt my decisions. I am also a people pleaser, which made me place my needs last before everyone else who I interact with. After discovering all these, I began the process of learning how to love myself, how to meet my own needs, and accepting the person for who I am. It's still an ongoing journey, but it has helped me tremendously to feeling better about myself and my decisions.

The show of love and friendship doesn't have to be just through a shower of words and details. Because love is a feeling within ourselves that we have for an individual. It's not a transactional feeling (if I love you, you have to love me), and we can't control other people's love towards us. When you learn to love yourself, you can identify what is truly meaningful to you in a friendship or relationship, and have feelings of sincerity and appreciation from the company of others. The person who spoke about giving certainty and details in compliments has a valid reason for believing that, because it is what they feel is meaningful to them. I wouldn't say they're wrong about their statement though, as it might be from an experience that they have that led them to believe so.

Hopefully that helps, Val_da_man, I'm always happy to chat more if you'd like.

Jt

[quirkywords]

Val da man

Thanks so much for your thread.

I have something different but similar. When my children were young ,people would say how smart, or creative. or anything positive, I could never find a quality on their children and if I did it sounded so cheesy.

I think it is a skill .

[Guest9337]

G'day Val_da_man,

Feels to me that you are describing being emotionally flat.

Like loving a romantic partner but not feeling a fluttering heart or sexual attraction, instead more a contentment in their presence.

Sometimes words don't matter nearly as much as simply being there, listening, giving eye contact, holding a hand or a hug.

You certainly aren't being fake or broken in your original post, you are instead insightful and descriptive about a nebulous experience.

idk, maybe try writing a poem to your friend, we are allowed to play with such things in poetry.