Trying to pick myself up

[Oj1234]

Im currently 28, i met my ex 4 years ago and was in a 3 year relationship, for a good year it was perfect. She would communicate with me, be proud of who i am and love showing me off. But as time changed, so did her temper. I understand everyone has there days but it felt more constant to be walking on egg shells to avoid upsetting her. I cared deeply for this girl and did so much to keep her happy. Even when i was struggling with hard days, it was her before me, but it was getting to much, she would tell me if i couldnt lift her up shed find someone who could. When we began to argue, i always tried to resolve things as soon as possible, i wanted to communicate with her. But she wasn't interested, she would have her say, express how she felt and would tell me she would talk to me when she was ready. So she would block me on all forms of communication so i couldn't attempt to talk. This hurt me more so as i felt that communication is crucial for a happy relationship. I'm not perfect myself but i never hurt her or verbally put her down. But in time she became more and more aggressive. She insulted me and questioned my manhood. As time progressed she would tell me she didn't love me But would stalk my social media pages and would constantly msg me telling me im someone im not. When i finally had enough, i walked away only to have her come back into my life 3 weeks later telling me she was pregnant. We never kept the child. She wanted to but after a discussion with her parents she told me she was ashamed of me, i worked to much, i didn't have a career, i wasnt fit to be a father and I wasn't a man. This has stuck with me since. I forgave her and was there with her through the abortion. She told me she still loved me but was talking to guys behind my back. She was un aware I knew. It became to much for me, especially as on several occasions she told me she kissed another guy and even as much as slept with another person. She then told me it was to push me away but i began to have trust issues more so then before, she refused to spend new years eve with me but instead told me she wanted to drink with her female friends.

I know it wasn't a healthy relationship but its been over a year and I'm still struggling to find happiness. Recently I felt as if ive fallen into depression. My passions have faded and I wake up with anxiety. Does anyone have any strategies to help because its effecting my quality of life

[JessF]

Hello Oj1234, it would be a wonderful thing if we could flick a switch when we leave a relationship and erase all the hurt that happened. I would try not to be too hard on yourself that the after effects of this relationship are still being felt a year later. It sounds as though for signficiant portions of the three years you were together, that you were in a heightened state of anxiety, walking on eggshells, not knowing if you were going to be praised one minute and condemned the next. Couples argue, of course, but when it gets personal those remarks can cut deep for years. And to cap things off with losing a child, having your fitness as a father questioned, and infidelity.

I can understand you would feel exhausted after several years oft his, particualrly when you cared deeply for her and put everything you could into the relationship. Perhaps you feel like despite your best efforts, you weren't good enough. Perhaps you're terrified of this happening again in your next relationship, or perhaps you're worried about ever finding someone else again. These are all perfectly normal things to be feeling after you've been through.

What strategies can help? I would suggest trying to find passion again in what fulfils you. Your post describes a lot of your efforts in trying to please her. What things make you feel happy? What people do you have in your life to spend time with that enjoy your company and make you feel wanted and valued? What makes you laugh? What activities do you get so absorbed in that you forget what time of day it is and just be? Move towards all of these things, even though sometimes the motivation isn't there and it feels like work. Keep pushing through and eventually the hurt will begin to fade.