So alone, Silent tear

[BlueGuitar]

I now only feel normal when I'm alone in my room, I've isolated myself to the point where I feel nervous all the time around every single person, it's crazy, the heavy feeling of dread, dullness, confusion and hopelessness , I've almost literally been doing nothing at all except staying home for the past 6 months,having really nothing much to say is the sad thing due to the fact I've been doing nothing, I feel so empty and clueless  I can't even fake a smile anymore , after experiencing  a manic episode for the third time I can't see myself coming back from it, the embarrassment, the stigma, not wanting to be alone but not wanting to be around people. The reality of it all feels like a nightmare, feels like I don't know who I am, it's so hard to except, i feel so alone in my own thoughts. I'm constantly full of anxiety Ive never felt anxiety this bad before, I always feel spaced out and full of dread, in a miserable feeling all the time, the saddest part is the guilt I feel towards my family especially my mum when we talk I'm always so abrupt I hate the way I am, 

[white knight]

Hi BG, welcome

Feeling and wanting to be withdrawn away from society isn't so uncommon.

In 1976 I packed up my bags onto my motorcycle and headed for the hills away from people. It didn't last long. I ran out of canned food and didn't have the abilities to hunt (part of the plan). This happened a few times. I realised and still believe now that a balance is needed. If you prefer solitude then do so to a degree and when you feel good go out for a night. Balance is good.

Looking after your mental health is really important. You feel like this now but, frankly, you don't know your own future and one day you just might find your soul partner that could suddenly make you feel important and worthy. Things change, people change, priorities change.

The important people around you- like your mum, is best handled directly during a one on one discussion. This discussion needs to be done softly, quietly and with maturity. Tell her you love her and you feel guilty the way you talk to her but you don't mean to hurt her. It's an uncontrollable state of mind that needs treatment ongoing by professionals. However- don't be surprised if it doesn't work. Google- "Topic: they just wont understand- why?- beyondblue". That thread I wrote because others not understanding us is very common almost for everyone.

Another thing to try is attending motivation lectures (Google) "Topic: 30 minutes could change your life- beyondblue" . Learn to become a positive thinker. It isn't easy but once you become one you'll never look back and you will also pick a negative thinker straight away and say to yourself "I'm so glad I'm not wasting my life with that frame of mind"

Thankyou for this thread. There are thousands of threads on this site. Peruse a few every day and read them. Knowledge is one vital ingredient to recovery.

Tony WK

[BlueGuitar]

Thanks for your reply mate,

 ide say spending all my time couped up inside doesn't help at all, what ide give to feel like myself again, the day I can look back this all just be a faded memorie is the day I look forward to, dealing with bipolar experiences is like going from black and white to ultra Hd  to no picture at all, there's no making sense of it, the concept of really losing your mind and grip of reality, then having to pick the pieces up once your batted and bruised, 

my mum is such a beautiful woman she understands and does her best, 

i don't know what to do next, in reality ide like to just move on and get a job and get my life back on track, but my anxiety and feeling of depression just won't relent, 

[Guest_1055]

Hello BlueGuitar

My name is Shelley. You did a good thing reaching out to Beyond Blue from within your isolated space there. I am glad you have such a beautiful mum as well. And I can see you love her. All that is way good.

I am sorry you are going through all this stuff right now. I wish I could take it all away. 

Have you considered doing an online course in something that interests you. I don't know...maybe it would help you getting closer to employment. Just throwing that out there, in case you haven't thought of it. 

Also I don't have what you have, but I know what it is like to feel isolated. I do hope you start to feel better soon.

Anyway good on you for reaching out to here. Yeah......yeah......yeah to you.

Shelley xx