Questioning myself

[_md26_]

Hi,

So a little bit of background about me- I've suffered with anxiety and depression for close to 6 years now. It ranges from religious anxiety to health anxiety and changes form constantly. In the last two years I have been battling with something and I can't disntinguish between whether it is a part of me or if it's because of my anxiety. I have grown up always liking boys (I am a 21 year old female). I've kissed boys and liked it. I've had serious crushes on boys. In the last two years for some reason it have began questioning something that I thought was a basic thing about me. It all started when I got an flashing thought of one of my friends in their underwear. I started questioning, does this mean I'm gay? Since then I've been having these thoughts running through my head of female genetalia, kissing girls. These thoughts scare me and I try and push them away, but they keep coming back. It's been so debilitating at times that I've struggled to get out of bed and concentrate on study. It's just so confusing for me someone who has been so certain of who they are to loose that now. I come from a very traditional catholic family and so when I confided in my mum about this, she freaked out, started crying. I just want to say I have no problem with the sexuality spectrum. I acknowledge that people can be attracted to a variety of different sexes and genders. I am just confused as to whether these thoughts are who I am or my anxiety. It's gotten so bad, I get stressed when hanging out with girl friends or looking at a pretty girl. Noticing that a girl looks pretty freaks me out and the other day when I found out a girl in my course was gay it really freaked me out. I've started avoiding watching shows with gay characters. For some reason also it seems like I've lost my full attraction to men? Like it's muted for some reason. I don't know if I'm going through all of this because I have little experience as well, with both sexes. Any advice or help would be appreciated, just so my mind can settle.

[Chloe_M]

Hi there,

Firstly I'd like to welcome you to the BB (beyond blue) forums. I'm glad you've chosen to reach out for support.

A bit of background about me- I'm in high school, suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety. The anxiety has always been there I guess, however the depression developed after a bad relationship break up. The anxiety worsened after that, which I think made the depression even worse.

So I'm just going to give you my opinion on your current situation. First off, I think it is very mature of you to say that you are not bothered by the fact that some people are attracted to different genders. However your mum may be a bit of a problem.

I don't know whether this new way of looking at girls is caused by anxiety or an attraction to girls. And also, there is nothing wrong with being freaked out by the lesbian in your course. This is all kind of new for you and it might be hard.

Maybe, this is just an idea, you could arrange an outing sot of thing with a guy you are 'close' to. Not really a date but sort of. See if your attraction to males is still existent, or could be.

Hope this kind of helped.

Take care of yourself x

Chloe

[kanga_brumby]

_md26_ A great big welcome to Beyond Blue Forums. I was also raised catholic. So I understand the delema you face Yet within the teachings of the church I am not aware of anything being said about women being with women. They mainly speak out about males having sex with other males and animals being sinful.
I personally have not taken my children to the catholic church because I feel it should be their choice whether or not to become catholic or not. My own daughter has told me her preference. All I had to say was “does this mean you don’t love me anymore?” …….”No I still love you” ….. OK does that mean your not my daughter anymore?” ….. “no I am still your daughter.”
No matter what your choice is when it is a sexual choice and both people are of the right age it has to be consensual. So If you feel like doing it make certain the other person wants it as well. It’s no sin In my book. Take care of yourself
Peter

[_md26_]

Thankyou for your response it really helped. My major problem is that I can't work out if I actually want to be with another woman or if this is just my anxiety manifesting in another form. In the past it has switched from health anxiety to religious anxiety and I'm just wondering if this is another bout of anxiety that is going through or if my sexuality is changing. I have no problem with gay people. I voted yes in the marriage campaign. It's just I have never seen myself as being attracted to women, I've never felt the urge to even be with a woman. And now I can't tell if these thoughts are urges or intrusive thoughts caused by my anxiety.