Lost. I have no idea how to move forward.

[SweetAmara]

Hi all,

I have been diagnosed with general anxiety, social anxiety and depression, I am beginning counselling which I find really difficult; but I have a feeling I am actually bipolar. I raised these issues with my doctor and was told categorically that "what I meant to say" was that my parents are very critical not emotionally abusive/controlling. That kind of attitude makes attending counselling scary for me. As well as during my first session when she told me to "Calm down!" which truly embarrassed me. I have struggled a lot over the past year or so and have been admitted to hospital. I have had another health issues as well. I spent nearly all of last year sick in fear and anxiety.

My parents pushed me to begin uni straight after finishing school, I didn't want to, I wanted to find a job; but they told me I had to so I did. I have made very little progress over the past 4-5 years and now I am trying to finish this year so I can go on to a Masters in Teaching. There are many other things I want to do that I don't feel I can. I finished a TAFE course last year, so now I am looking for work. My boyfriend lives in the US and I desperately want to go see him; but I have already been told "it's not time yet." I have to buy a car, save up, then I can go if they approve. We've been together two years this year and I already know that when we chose to get married will be heavily scrutinised. My mother has already said I can't move in with him when he moves here, because she'll be angry with me. I feel like everything in my life is determined by my parents, I have no control and I constantly feel unbearably anxious. When I approach these issues, I am called a "liar," "lazy" etc. for not achieving my goals and not feeling good about myself, even though I do try.

Like I have said before, I feel suffocated, my anxiety is completely unbearable to live and I find it hard to function at all. I don't feel supported outside of a few friends and my boyfriend. But I am generally terrified. Terrified of disappointing everyone. I already have no self confidence and no independence, even ringing about a job is terrifying. But I just don't how to blossom in an environment where I am under so much scrutiny and I can't leave without possibly severing ties.

[white knight]

Hi sweet, welcome

I guess aiming for a masters you are in your early 20's? If so, your parents have an emotional hold over you. Not good. This can have further ramifications which might result in further conflict.

you might need to risk severing ties I'm afraid. Have you considered moving out? Sharing a house with other students? After the initial shock ,absense makes the heart grow fonder maybe.

If such an action results in abandonment and you are rejected then they have the problem not you.

Best way to know normality is comparing your life with others your age.

My daughter is 28yo and a teacher. She was going to do her masters but wanted a life instead. She got a job, toured Canada, NZ on her holidays and bought a new car. All her own choices. When we spoke about such choices l gave her my ideas but SHE made her decisions.

Ask yourself....whose life is it.? Your parents mean well. Tell them that before you tell them that you are an adult and must make life choices your own.

" I feel like everything in my life is determined by my parents". Allowing you to blossom, to make mistakes, career choices, relationship learning curves etc...is letting you go.

They have to do that. If they refuse you'll lose them anyway. Its tough.

Fly the coup but give them every chance to conform to your ideas and wishes. Meet with them, talk clearly and calmly. Dont raise your voice, dont argue. Outline what you want. If they dont accept it then move out and visit them once a month. Tell them you love them but that you dont agree with them. Be yourself, not who they expect you to be.

You are in this world to fulfill your dreams, not to live up to others expectations...

Good luck.

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear SweetAmara~

Hi, I'm replying to your post as I see myself years ago in some things you've said, both now, and in your posts last year.

One thing that keeps coming though is you have your own desires and you are trying to meet other peoples' desires too - specifically your parents.

I was in that situation and frankly it's hopeless. I was brought up in a very class conscious quite wealthy family which had a strong religious background. Naturally at the start of my life, with nothing to compare it to I always thought they were right, the source of wisdom and love. There for me always.

This started to run a little ragged, ending firstly in my not attending church where my father was the clergyman, and later in my habitually visiting friends' houses rather than coming home from school and non-compliance in other ways.

The basic causes for these behaviors were the very strong views of 'correct' behavior my parents tried to enforce.

After school, at my parents' insistence I went to uni, where, with the exception of 2 subjects, I was completely indifferent and did not do well (to say the least). This all ended up with me taking a year off and traveling.

Whilst away I met my wife and we decided to marry. It was that that point the wheels really fell off - my mother in particular felt the match 'unsuitable' , my father backed her up.

I married anyway and was formally disinherited as a result. This was the very best thing that could of happened to me!

I was no longer bound by the chains of filial duty and guilt, and had merely to deal with everyday matters with a free hand. I obtained a (temporary) job and settled down to a loving relationship where nobody had expectations I had to meet. True having a wife places duties and obligations, but I found I freely gave them out of love - a very different matter.

Your feelings reminds me of my feelings whist at home, your parents appear just as unreasonable and selfish, bound in their own expectations and expecting others to conform.

What can I say - look inside yourself in quiet un-pressured times, try to sort out what is your heart's desire, your interests, your dreams.

Then as money and other practical matters allow head for them. If it means a break from your parents - so be it. It will be a measure of their love for you -or it's absence - as to how they deal with your new maturity.

Believe me -the unrealized weight that was lifted off my shoulders was massive.

Please post again

Croix

[Jane69]

Growing up is scary and you can't please everyone all the time. It's your life and you must live with the consequences of your actions. It sounds like your parents are finding it hard to cut the apron stings so you may need to help them. Try going to a psychologist it could really help you mull things over. Think about what you are doing don't give up out of fear ...face it!

Growing up is hard work and letting go is hard to. Your lucky to have parents that care so much but they to need to let you stand on your own two feet, otherwise you can't blossom.

Good luck xx

[SweetAmara]

Hi Tony,

Thank you for your message. I am 22 turning 23 this late this year.

I do want to move out, at the moment it's down to money and the fear of what will be said to me when/if I do move, a friend of mine offered a long while ago because I knew it would spark my mother's jealous of turning to my friend mother over her. So it wasn't worth it.

I do know they mean well and they want me to succeed at what I want; but they see my lack of progress as lack of motivation rather than fear, anxiety and pressure.

I am hoping I can arrange to move out early next year. This is such a hard situation because I feel at fault no matter what I want to do. They'll take whatever I do personally. They encourage me to gain independence or achieve and then when I do, I tend to be told I can't do things or I am further pushed in a certain direction, it physically terrifies me.

Thank you for your help.

[SweetAmara]

Hi Croix,

I am sorry to hear your parents were unsupportive, but I am really glad you found happiness all the same. My boyfriend is really supportive and after everything with been through with my mental health; he really is the only reason I was able to complete my TAFE course at all. My mother thought that pushing me would help.

I did want to go to uni, but I had a terrible time in high school and a lot of things happened in my home life, so I really wanted time to adjust to the real world. But I was thrust back into school straight away and then they were/are frustrated by my lack of progress. I know a number of other extend family members talk about it behind me back as well.

I have honestly really been thinking about getting married in secret or eloping. I am a logical thinker and a very practical person, so I know I couldn't live with the guilt, but the thought of that decision being determined by my parents upsets me. I know I'll feel powerless. They don't see our long distance courtship as a real relationship; but then catch 22, my mother will say how annoyed she'll be if I move in/marry him etc. too soon, but then says, "It's your choice. It's up to you. I don't have the answers [of when you should move in/get married.] You'll know." My boyfriend is frightened that our future is pinned on what they approve of and their expectations of me. Sometimes I am too. I know that if they wanted to they would prevent me from doing things.

I do love them and I want us to have a positive relationship. But I don't see it happening while I live here.

Thank you for your message.

[SweetAmara]

Hi Jane,

Thanks for your message.

Sadly, I do want to please everyone and I find it next to impossible to disassociate from this line of thinking. I fear my parents presence and I fear their distance; but I guess that's what growing up is too.

I really just want independence, I just find it so hard to gain it, I find it really hard to walk in places and drop off resumes or talk on the phone to employers etc. They aren't foreign concepts to me, but they fill me up with so much dread that it's hard for me to be productive. My family doesn't help very much.

Thank you, I am very grateful they care, I am just very different them and I guess you could say my love languages are very different from theirs.

Thank you for your message again!