just a bit lonely

[purpleskyy]

hey. i haven't been on here a while, so i'll introduce myself. I'm Jessie and i'm 14, nearly 15. I joined Beyond Blue in February last year because of depression and had a pretty bad year. Pleased to say i've pretty much recovered - well i'm trying to - but i guess lately i've been feeling pretty down. Mostly out of loneliness. I'm in the blue zone, as my OT would say. I find it quite hard to interact with people, because of my Asperger's Syndrome, which doesn't really help me with the loneliness side of things either. When I am surrounded by people, I feel even more alone, because they have all their own friendship groups and it rubs in the fact that I'm a total loner too. So i tend to hide inside myself and spend even more time alone, which also makes me lonely! I really don't know what to do! A while ago, my psychiatrist encouraged me to invite this other girl who had been friendly to me in the past, to a movie. I did that. It went okay...until we caught up a second time for lunch at a shopping centre. Let's just say we somehow got into a conversation about mental illness and a lot of things slipped out. I tend to be an over teller, so the poor girl got full blown with a whole pile of dark stuff! Since then, she's pretty much ignored me. My doctor said that i probably should have slowly eased it out bit by bit (if i had to), instead of loading a whole pile of doom and gloom on her, so I now know for next time. But yeah. I'm not the best with people, when i have to be around them, as you can probably tell. I always act the wrong way and say the wrong thing and constantly have to have jokes and sarcasm explained to me. I find it much easier just to hide inside myself and pretend there's nobody there. But that makes me more lonely! But when I'm around people, i feel lonely too... So i don't really know what to do. I want friends...but i dont want friends. I need to be around people...but i can't be around people - that much. Sorry about the huge vent. Thank you for reading. Getting this out made me feel much better.

[Croix]

Dear Purplesky~

I'm glad you came here, your posts pop up here and there and I get the feeling you are getting comfortable being around the Forum.

From what you said I think you are pretty close to getting it right. I guess there are two things, finding a friend and then maybe talking a little bit about your depression if it seems safe to do so, but no hurry anyway. There is no one size fits all with friends, some can take it, some can't. So you have to gauge how much you can say. If you say a bit and they ask questions you can always say "another time maybe" and not go too fast.

For somebody who has no experience depression it can seem frightening, or even just unpleasant because they don't know what to say. They can't find the answers on how to behave in themselves because it is all strange. They may be afraid of saying the wrong thing and doing harm - many feel that.

Still and all there are lots of people out there and you are going to find at least one you can hang out with and over time trust. You may end up being the friend someone else confides in, and you will be able to sympathize and relate.

If a joke has to be explained it is not much of a joke, so please don't see it as putting you down.

Relax

Croix

[smallwolf]

purpleskyy,

How are things going for you at the moment?

I will just add a little onto Croix's reply. I have found that when you talk to people about the mental health, they will fall into 3 groups - (1) supportive and caring, (2) don't know what to say, (3) say the wrong things. In groups (2) and (3) this is probably because they do not have any real experience with mental illnesses.

And it looks like that you have learnt from that experience so do not consider it a total failure. I might suggest that you contact your friend again, and maybe saying that you have up days and down days, maybe I just wanted someone to talk you. I am sorry for unloading all that onto you. I can still laugh, and have fun. I am unique. I hope we can still be friends.

So when I talk to someone about my own issues, I will tell them "if I am going too deep or something you cannot cope with, please let me know". Also if someone asks me how I am, I will give somewhat honest reply, and if they listen, they will work out how I truly feel. If they ask me what's up, I will them ask them what they know about mental illnesses. And then depending on their answer, I have an idea how to proceed (or not). Without these lead up questions, I am an overteller like you. Being totally honest can suck sometimes.

Random thought... have you spoken to a school counselor or chaplain about your problems? Talking to them about what you like etc.? They might be able to point you to clubs, or groups within the school that you could join? Or worst case, someone that you can unload on, when you need to?

Finally, you don't need to apologize for the "vent"ing. I do this just as much as you might. The forum becomes an avenue by which you can get these thoughts of our head, and helps to get me back into the present moment. It helps mostly.