I feel very unhappy with my life.

[maybeunsure]

Apparently I'm terrible at explaining myself, so I apologize if I don't make any sense.

​The past couple years have been really hard for me and I don't think I'll ever fully recover from them. 

My Mum went to hospital multiple times for (I feel so guilty telling the internet about this when I promksed my Mum I would not tell a sole) her addiction to medication. I was not aware of her addiction until a few months ago at her most recent hospital trip. She always told me her 'illness' was 'just a stomach ulcer' but it's so much more complex than that. 

I've had to watch my Mum's body start to shut down; uncontrollable twitching, too weak to sit upright, memory loss, loss of speech, etc. Those images are ones that will haunt me forever.

This medication is used in some pain relief medication and due to my Mum's addiction, I'm too scared to have any in the house. I let myself suffer just so she doesn't have the temptation. 

Because my Mum was sick a lot, she hardly work and we ended up in debt. It got to the point where we either sold the house or let the bank take it from us. So we sold it & moved in with my Nan. After about 7 months we had some money left over and decided to rent somewhere. But that didnt last long and we had to end our lease early due to Mum's 'illness'. 

The latest hospital visit did something to me and ever since then I truly have not been the same. For a while I felt like my life had stopped while the world sped up around me. It affected me academically and I made the decision to drop courses at Uni (which has added an extra year onto my degree).

 Lately I have been feeling very dumb (when i dropped the courses my mind felt like it had stopped and it still feels like that), disconnected, lonely (I have 3 friends who Ihardly see or speak to me and most days it seems like 2 of them couldn't care less if I was dead), worthless (the only people who seem to want to spend time with me is my parents and it hurts), guilty (all the signs of my Mum getting sick are so evident now and everyday I blame myself for the latwst episode - I should have noticed something was wrong), and that I am a failure to my family and friends (I have no job nor do I have my license and am constantly reminded - especially every time i see my Dad and his side of the family).

​The above paragraph is probably all I needed to say but I needed to get my Mum's 'illness' off my chest. 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting on here, but maybe the outcome will be positive.​

[Zeal]

Hi mb, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum's chronic illness, and its negative effect on you. The haunting images and memories from your Mum's condition need to be dealt with so you can start feeling better emotionally. Going to a GP is a good idea - you can talk about what you've gone through and how it has affected you. They can refer you to a counsellor or psychologist to further help with your traumatic experiences.

Please don't blame yourself for any part of your Mum's illness. You clearly care a lot about her, and were so careful as to not allow painkillers into the house, even though this was a problem for you. An addiction to medication is really persistent and complex. Even if family members do everything they possibly can, the sufferer can still find ways to access medication and can still bring harm to themselves. It is impossible for you to be completely responsible for your Mum and her actions.

Also, don't worry about mentioning your Mum's personal addiction on this forum. Everything you say here is anonymous, as your display name does not contain identifying information, and you have not used names or place names. I also remain anonymous on this forum, as then I feel more free to share personal information, which helps me to respond to people 🙂

As you were a uni student recently (and discontinued your studies due to huge pressures in your life), it is understandable that you haven't been job hunting. If it makes you feel any better, I am 22 and only got my L plates for the first time this year.

I hope you can seek support from your GP, and from anyone else who you trust 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Only_the_lonely]

Hello MB,  Thank you for sharing that information with us.   I totally understand the issues in a family, particularly with family members who has medical issues and making trips to hospitals does take a toll on other family members like you.    My mum was a chronic asthmatic and I was always the one taking trips with her to the hospital as my dad and siblings were too "chicken" to support her.  She used to drive the car whilst going through her asthma attacks, and I wish I could drive at that age.

Anyway, you definitely need to speak to people you can trust in life, but these can be professionals like doctors and even a school counsellor if you have access to one.  Friends and family are another option as the issues must be effecting them as well so in some point in their lives.

To keep your mind at peace, take up hobbies , read books or follow tv program.    Remember its how you react to issues and set your priorities and goals in life that you will come up strong and on top after all this is over. YOU, have a lot to be proud of, you are still young, you have a lot to look forward to in life, take up further studies, and get a part time job jus to keep you busy in life.  Make new friends and keep trying.  Its our ability to program our minds that despite all out trials and tribulations in life, we still have the ability to think positive and that to reassure ourselves that we will get over this issue. 

You have already proved that you are strong by standing by your mum all these years and its just taking a toll on you as we all have our limits.  Seek professional advice and tell yourself, that you will do things differently to your parents.  Its your mum who left her issues too late that affected you all as a family.  You were only involved in it as she left it too late to seek professional help. You have done well so don't be too hard on yourself.. 

Seek family and friends who will support you through this dilemma in your life.  I have no doubt, being the strong person you are, that you will overcome this issue in your life and as a result, it will make you a stronger person.  Do take care and enjoy each day as it comes and don't stop seeking help for yourself.  I wish you good luck and I hope your dad also pull his weight on this matter as it seems like he has not been too responsible in under-taking his duties and responsibilities as a parent.

[maybeunsure]

Hi SM, 

​Thank you for taking the time to reply, it is greatly appreciated! 

In regards to talking to a GP, do you have any advice as how to go about that? 

I get very nervous thinking about talking to my GP as I often find it uncomfortable to talk about how I feel in person. I am somewhat confused with how to begin talking about my issues, if that makes sense. 

I also don't feel comfortable with my current GP as I have only seen him once and have difficulty understanding his accent, so I am looking for another. 

Thank you again!  

​MB

[Zeal]

Hi MB,

You are very welcome!

Talking to a GP can be awkward. Looking for a new doctor is a good idea, as it's really important that you can understand them and feel comfortable sharing personal information. I can tell my doctor virtually anything, as I have been going to her for a while, and she is very friendly and energetic.

With my last GP I was very nervous about disclosing some unhealthy thoughts I'd been having, which were later identified as eating disorder behaviours. So I wrote a list of items/topics I wanted to mention, and I ended up just passing it to her to read. Then she could structure the appointment around what I had written, and could prompt me. It really helped. Maybe you could try that 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[PatT]

Hi MB, 

Addiction is a really difficult thing to live with. I was abusing painkillers every day for about 3 and a half years and I watched the damage it did to my friends and family. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you on the receiving end, but it seems like you're taking on an awful lot of responsibility at the moment. I think my Mum is still dealing with that period (depression) and she has only recently started seeing a psychologist.

The psych has been helping her immensely to work through those scarring memories. I would really recommend you consider seeing somebody, but your first port of call should be the GP. Be as open as you can - doctors are well versed in responding to things like this. They can also put you on a mental health plan which gives you discounted sessions with a psych, and if you're a student then most psychs are willing to discount you further.

It can be difficult to put our hands out for help sometimes, but admitting we actually need is the bravest thing we can do. I know I let my mental illnesses carry on for too long and drag me down too far before I really admitted I needed help. Reach out now - somebody is always willing to reach back. 

All the best,

Pat.

[Hemi426]

This is my first conversation on betond blue and i thought i could come here for some help. In recent times i have been very depressed at the fact i cant be who i want to be in lofe. I feel like i am a disappointment to myself and my family in the fact that i suck most sports i play due to lack of talent, i have an extremely low self esteem due to that and having a skinny fat body. I have tried to make change in my life but can never seem to get that final push. I am a waste of time as a person and currently feel like just running away to be with me and thoughts. Thank you for reading this