I feel empty

[Anon124]

I wake up everyday feeling like shit.
I have a genuine hate for everyone. My family often instigate this feeling.
People tell me ‘it’s not hate. I’d kill to have a family like yours’ truthfully, my family aren’t bad. They are nice but suffocating and I find myself thinking bad thoughts about them all the time. I want to run away. I don’t want to be near them anymore.
Then there are my ‘friends’
I’m not unpopular and I have a large group of people who I call friends. I get along with everyone fairly well yet I can’t stand anyone.
I hate them. I really do.
When I’m with them, I can’t help but feel as if I’m all alone. As if they hate me as much as I hate them. I wish I could just keep to myself but the feeling of being alone scares me.
People I don’t even know scare me. I always feel like I’m being talked about and it scares me.

Lastly, I hate myself. I hate myself for hating them. I hate myself for being who I am. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was nicer. I wish I wasn’t fat. I wish people liked me. I wish I was perfect.

I don’t enjoy much anymore. I feel empty. I hate everything I used to like.

I hate waking up crying because I feel like shit.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t spoken to anyone and I don’t want to. I can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. It’s embarrassing.

I haven’t been diagnosed with anything before.
I just want help.

[harrypotterfan]

I've been experiencing feelings like this too. As if I'm not doing something right with my life, which is why I plan on moving schools next year so I can start fresh and be myself.

[Croix]

Dear Anon124~

I was really sorry to read how your life has been. To have so much hurt to deal with all the time and to feel so bad about yourself too.

To find your family is always there, always expecting, always with their values, is something I'd think a fair number here could relate to.

In the same way all those friends you get along with, but are not what you need.

Plus the feelings you are in some way lacking, you do not feel you are beautiful enough, slim enough, nice enough.

Add it all together with the constant worry and embarrassment and you have an awful big weight dragging you down 24/7. No wonder you wake up to the world and cry.

When I've had depression and anxiety really hitting me I've felt a fair bit that was similar and really thought I was a waste of time too. I never got out of that by myself.

I would like you to know that life does not always have to be like that, you don't have to see yourself in such a bad light, you family can become OK and not crowding you, and friends can do their thing without your feeling bad.

I can say all that because I am now streets better than I was. As I said I did not do it alone, and this is the bit you will find hard to start with. I had medical help, with medications and therapy.

So I'd like to suggest you go see your GP and in a long consultation say how it is for you. Ask to be tested for depression and anxiety and see what happens. It can be the start to getting a better life where you do not feel like shit, but OK.

Hard to front up, embarrassing and maybe frightening. I wrote everything down first and shared the paper. Worked out well. I'll not pretend it is easy that first time, but compared to what you have to deal with every day it is not that bad, keep thinking of how you would like your life to be.

Many people are in your situation, you are not some strange person all alone, but just someone with an illness that is treatable. If you look in The Facts menu above you can read more about depression and anxiety. If you browse this Forum you can see how others have got on.

We would very much like you to post again and say more about yourself and how things are

Croix

[Kkgirl]

Anon124,

I wish I had the answers to help you, but all I can really say is that i'm going through similar, and I hope you find comfort in knowing theres people that understand what you are going through.

I know how it feels to just despise everyone and everything, and never really feel like you genuinely fit in. And feeling alone, but not wanting to be, and just wishing you could change how you are, and everything and just feeling that emptiness.

I can't say that i've gotten better completely better myself, but one thing I have learnt is that sometimes, through anxiety, depression, or other things , like OCD, these feelings are magnified, and cause you to make you feel worse about yourself, but these feelings are not the truth. I guess when ever you feel that way and negative thoughts come up, just try to tell yourself this is not real, and try to focus on the positives, even though you feel that the negatives outweigh.

The best advice I can give you is to echo on Croix's words and suggest that, as tough as it may be, you push through and take the first step by visiting your GP and telling them about the feelings you have been experiencing, so they can give you some sort of a diagnosis, or even better a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your regular GP, contact your local Headspace centre to find out if they have GP services available. Headspace is a very welcoming, comfortable and safe place to go to, and getting a referral to start seeing a psychologist there is a great step to take, and for the most part free. It's different for everyone but I have found that talking to someone that is non-judgmental and has no prior knowledge of you, on a regular basis, can really help, and together you can work towards solutions.

It is often a slow process, and things aren't going to get better overnight, but taking these first steps are definitely worth it and soon you can hopefully find yourself again, and essentially stop having these negative feelings.

This is my first time responding to a post, so i'm sorry if its not that great, but i hope you find this helpful.

Wishing you all the best.

[NotAllSunshine]

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, all I can say is that I know exactly how you feel, but there are good and bad times for everyone. I was depressed for years before I got diagnosed and got help, and I would encourage you to talk to someone about how you're feeling. I only hope it gets better for you.

[LuLu_]

I feel a huge amount of self hate too. You are very strong for speaking up. I admire how you are staying close to your group of friends. I feel i am losing friends from isolating myself so much. I am sorry that these feelings are so overwhelming. I hope you feel some relief soon.

I know you don’t want to talk to anyone. I felt exactly the same way. There was no way I could talk to anyone. It was like there was a physical barrier blocking my words. I felt like I was suffocating and drowning. I felt empty, it was painful to live even one day. I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to be me anymore I wanted to give my amazingly privileged life to some else who would be grateful.

I know you feel there may be no way to help your situation. BUT THERE IS HOPE. We are all here for you. We are all on your side. We are here on your journey every step you take.

Take one step. Even just one step towards speaking out is an amazing achievement. I have found support and my life seems possible now. It took a while but I actually have some good moments. I have a long way to go. But that is okay.

I understand you are experiencing feelings of worthlessness and self hate.

You are worthy. You are valid. You are important. You may not believe it but I do. I believe in you.

Please don’t give up. I know it’s hard. You deserve to feel happiness.

Xx

[dragonflies]

Everything everyone has said on this feed really resonates with me. A while back I was so caught up in my sadness to even consider reaching out on a site like this. Reading these posts makes everything seem more 'normal' and that I don't feel as alone. I would have never believed anyone could feel the same way I felt but they can.

It saddens me to know others feel this too because it is so hurtful and painful. Feeling hatred towards myself and everything consumed me and still does most days. I don't know how to overcome this because I have felt it for so long. I am finally trying hard to look after myself and care more for myself and I feel like it could be the first step to liking myself again.

Anyway I just wanted to say yeah you're not alone out there. I hope that can provide some comfort and also knowing we are all here to support one another and can relate and talk.

dragonflies

[LuLu_]

Thank you dragonflies,

a really lovely and moving post

i suppose we all have to try more to accept ourselves

it makes me sad that we have to feel so much pain before that happens