I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

[lynalli]

Hi,

For some reason I want to be depressed. I know this is stupid and I shouldn't, but I can't help it. My head hurts when I try to comprehend why I could possibly want to be depressed. 

I do not mean to devalue anyone else by saying this, but I just can't help it. I think I've lost my mind. Surely someone wouldn't wish to have depression? Yet I do wish that. It's a crazy thought. I have times when I feel down, and times when I'm extremely happy and normal, however I always seem to have that worm in the back of my head wishing I was depressed - even when I'm feeling down. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not crazy, losing my sanity. Common sense tells me no I shouldn't do such and such, but my heart tells me something else. I'm just so confused and don't know what to do! Is this attention seeking without knowing it? I've asked myself that but I've never been an attention. seeking person and do not wish for attention.

Once again, I do not mean to offend anyone. I'm sorry if I have but I am genuinely wondering what is going on here. I understand how serious things like this are/can be so please don't perceive this as something it's not.

Thanks,

Lillian 🙂

(Also, I don't know if I put this I. the right category - I'm new. If the spacing is messed up, that's because I copied and pasted from Notes on my phone)

[Doolhof]

Hi Lillian,

It is great you have ben to the counsellor. Just a question, is your Mum going to attend all of your sessions? Would it be possible for you to ask your Mum to leave the room at a certain point and say you would like to speak alone with the counsellor for a while yourself? That would be totally acceptable.

Hope the Rescue Remedy  continues to help you. I have used it in the past too.

Without going back and reading this whole thread again, do you have hobbies and interests to keep your mind occupied so you don't listen to your negative thoughts too much?

Distractions can be wonderful therapy. Now the weather is cooler here in S.A. I am looking forward to cleaning up the garden, doing some craft in the evenings and going for walks.

I interact with different people with my work and that helps me a lot as well. The indoor bowling competition in our region starts up soon, so I am looking forward to that too. Another chance to get out and be with different people.

Hope all is going well for you. I'm looking forward to catching up with stuff around the house and garden this weekend.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[lynalli]

Hi again,

 My mother does leave the room during the sessions, however I still find it hard to voice my thoughts. Most of the time I chicken out and just agree with whatever's being said, whether it means lying or not. Even on the tests given I softened up my answers.

I've been a bit of a mess recently. I haven't been quite well and my moods having been changing with each day (I won't detail since these forums are monitored). Hopefully this doesn't last  long.

 Thanks for your advice on distractions, that's really helped. Although I do distract my self by interacting with friends online rather than in real life - oops!

I hope your gardening went well!

(Once again sorry for the late reply and bad grammar)

Lillian.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lynalli,

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days, life has been a little busy and I haven't been on the computer a great del of time.

Sometimes it does seem difficult to express ourselves honestly during the sessions we attend.

I am wondering if it is due to self preservation, because we don't think the other person really wants to listen to our troubles or because we are embarrassed?

I hope you will come to a point where you feel you can be true to yourself and express everything you want to and need to.

Maybe you could start with the tests and answer them honestly. I feel the only way to get over your hassles is to discuss them, not by keeping them to yourself where they can fester inside of us.

Your moods may be all over the place due to the thoughts and emotions that are being stirred up during your sessions.

Keeping in touch with friends on line is a good thing, at least you are still interacting and catching up with people. When we withdraw altogether, then it is a lot harder to regain contact with people.

I hope you are able to get put and catch up with people face to face as well, that too is important to our well being.

Thinking of you and hoping that you may be able to catch up with friends on the weekend.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools, Lauren

(I've added Lauren as one lady older than me found it a bit weird calling me Mrs. Dools! )

[lynalli]

Thanks, Mrs. Dools.

 I'm going to try mentioning how I feel next session, since during the last one I began crying towards the end. She said she'd talk to me about it next time, but I unfortunately can't remember why I was crying.

What you're saying about self-preservation sounds right. I feel like I'm constantly being an annoyance that no-one actually wants to listen to, and get very embarrassed whenever anything is mentioned.

I'm praying things go better next session!

I'm not sure about being able to catch up with my friends in person, but I'm planning on Skyping them during the weekend. Sorry if I've already mentioned this, - my memory isn't so good - but I have some unknown condition that is making me have bad stomach pains at random times, which is making it hard for me to go out.

Thanks again, Lillian.

[Doolhof]

Dear Lillian,

Hi. Regarding the sessions with your psych, have you tried writing down what is really bothering you and then handing that to the lady? I have done that in the past and it works well for me.

The tears may have been because of all the built up emotion and turmoil with in you that you are finding hard to release! This lady sounds like she does care, so try to let some of the stuff out so it can be dealt with.

I'm no medical expert, but the random stomach pains may be caused by anxiety. If you check out posts under "anxiety" you will discover people suffer from all kinds of random ailments due to anxiety.

Maybe this is the case for you and you can learn some techniques to conquer it.

Keeping in touch with friends is important. Have you shared with a couple of your closer friends how you are feeling?

Maybe ask them how they are travelling through life? They may have problems as well they have been unwilling to share thinking no one cares.

Hope you do manage to get out for a while this weekend one way or another.

Cheers for now, thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[lynalli]

Hi Mrs Dools,

 I've written down how I feel, but I still can't bring myself to hand it to her - it all sounds so stupid written down. I started seeing her for my anxiety and it seems wrong to mention anything else.

 The stomach pains aren't caused by anxiety, it's something different that we still haven't gotten to the bottom of.

About talking to close friends, I haven't mentioned anything to them yet. My best friend has autistic tendencies (it runs in her family) so she isn't that great with situations like this. She can give great advice but I'm just not comfortable with talking to her about it. I find it really hard to mention anything as I don't feel like I have a right to feel this way.

 Nearly all my closest friends have been diagnosed with depression (we joke it was something our primary school put in the water) and I make sure that they're okay on a regular basis.

 I've started going back to school - which I'm glad about.

I've started to feel a lot better again too. I think a reason I'm reluctant to tell anyone anything is because of the fact that it goes away. All of this is probably just hormones and I'm afraid people will think that I'm making mountains out of mole hills. The only thing that makes me think otherwise is that I can become somewhat suicidal - although I'd never act on that.

Sorry if this reply is a mess and repeats itself at times. I'm quite tired and can't bring myself to read over it again.

Thank you so much,

Lillian

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lillian,

It is wonderful to hear back from you again. It is great you have returned to school     and good to know you can talk with your friends about depression.

I'm wondering if there are just so many pressures these days for younger people and that is why depression is on the rise for some younger people!

I often wonder if all this modern technology has also contributed to this problem. It is so easy to communicate with all these different devices, which is fantastic, but the face to face conversation does not happen as much.

That may be part of the reason why you are having trouble sharing your letter with your Dr/counsellor/psych.

I would still like to encourage you to hand your letter over. Please don't think that your problems and concerns are not worth mentioning. We all cope with things differently.

If you are able to mention your concerns, then people helping you can teach you ways of coping better. The more understanding we have about an issue, the greater we can deal with it.

Suicidal thoughts can be very concerning. I see that one of the moderators has contacted you. I have no idea what they have mentioned to you, but please do take their advice and call someone if you need to talk.

I too have experienced very strong suicidal thoughts, and thankfully I have never acted upon them. I think too much of the people who would be affected if I actually did what I thought of doing.

I was very low last year and my Dr. put me in hospital for two weeks. I was so very thankful for that. In a way it is lucky I am in a country town as I was able to attend a hospital ward and not have to go to a mental health unit.

Not that there is anything wrong with a mental health unit either. I have stayed two weeks in one of those units as well.

If you would like to have a "chat" about stuff, please do so.

All the best to you,

From Mrs. Dools

[lynalli]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

 My next appointment isn't until later this month (27th, I think), and I've decided that I'm going to try and tell her as much as possible. Things have taken a slight turn for the worst, and I'm starting to feel like I did when I was younger.

Back when I was 7 or 8, I used to get extremely worked up and slap myself. I'd forgotten about this until a while ago. Recently, I've noticed that I can go from normal, to extremely angry and nearly hurting someone, and then back to normal within a few minutes. It's honestly starting to scare me - I haven't hurt anyone, by the way.

Not much else to say. I really appreciate your replies, thank you so much, Mrs. Dools.

Lillian.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lillian,

I'm sorry to read you are having such a difficult time right now.

I'd like to make a few suggestions if I may. Firstly, if you have trouble expressing yourself verbally to your Dr. or your Psych, then write it down before you got here.

If you are really starting to feel concerned about how you are feeling and behaving or think you might act, then phone and ask for an emergency appointment with your Dr.

Or you could phone Beyond Blue and talk to someone there, or use Lifeline or what ever other mental health support you can find.

It is important to get the help you need right now and not leave it until everything escalates too much and you find it more difficult to access help.

It has been a couple of days since you sent in your last message so I hope you are okay.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[lynalli]

Hi again,

 Thanks for your advice, I'm about to start writing it now. Like I said before, my appointment is a while away, so I should have time to finish it 🙂

 I spoke to my mother about the anger, and apparently she was the same and it's caused by hormones. Which is a relief, however it still doesn't change the fact that the feelings are there unfortunately.

 I've considered contacting BeyondBlue before, but I'm unable to call in private - which leaves the chat. I'm not too comfortable with using that yet though. 

Hopefully my next appointment will cover that. 

 I've been alright, what about you? I hope you've been feeling well too.

Thanks, Lillian.