How do you cope

[Ellemay]

There is plenty of talk about anxiety and depression and the help that is available but what about after someone you loved and cared about took there own life what do we do then how do we come to terms with this tragic loss my best friend was only 24 years old she was smart, caring, funny and beautiful truely one of a kind she was healthy and athletic she was spiritual and loved doing and teaching yoga she wanted to be an interpersonal councillor she had her hole life ahead of her. What do we do,the ones left behind the ones who didn't know such a happy loving person could want to leave this earth are we not meant to understand why or is there another way to ease this pain in my heart.

[Zeal]

Hi Elle may,

Welcome to the forum!

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your best friend. She sounded like an amazing person. Do you talk about how you feel to anyone at the moment, such as family members? Seeing a counsellor or psychologist for some sessions about dealing with this loss would be beneficial. This page has search tools that can help you find a local professional: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/find-a-professional

In addition, it may be helpful for you to read stories and advice from others who have lost loved ones to suicide. Here are a few:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/i-lost-a-friend-to-suicide#qloYHHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/grief-and-loss/lost-two-important-people#qiJG0nHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

If you'd like to talk more about how you're feeling, you can post back whenever you like.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Guest_322]

Hi Ellemay,

I'm glad Zeal has already reached out to you.

You must feel absolutely devastated, lost, confused and hurt. Your friend clearly had a gorgeous personality with many wonderful traits. (Sighs) I don't know how anyone makes sense of someone dying at 24, (and of suicide no less).

This is tough to digest and I agree with you that, as a society, we often don't really know how to deal with other people's grief. Heck, some of us don't even know how to deal with our own grief.

My grandma passed away when I was 15 (about 5-ish years ago). Admittedly, we didn't have a great relationship (understatement) and she didn't die by suicide so the circumstances were very different. But it still hurt a lot and I was left feeling utterly confused. I'm only telling you this to say, "hey, in my own small way, I get it."

I think what makes your loss much more complex is that she died by suicide, and there's such taboo around that topic. I'm not trying to minimise deaths by other causes but I feel that suicide carries stigma that other causes lack.

Zeal has offered some great resources. Can I suggest maybe checking out the Lifeline website as their focus is suicide, after all?

I think they offer counselling and bereavement support groups specifically to people who have lost someone to suicide. There's a certain understanding there that might be harder to find elsewhere.

I know you're in pain. I sound like a broken record- I alway say this- but seriously, grieve and remember your friend in your own way.

Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve. Scream or don't scream. Cry or don't cry. Shred paper or don't shred paper. I saw someone on TV who got a tattoo in memory of her sister who died by suicide. Etc, etc...

Point is there's no right or wrong to way to do this. Also, there's no expiry date on grief. Take as long as you need.

Dottie x

[White_Rose]

Hello Ellemay

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's a sad story you have told us and I am sorry you have lost such a lovely friend. Was there any indication of why she took her life? It can be very hard to realise this is the intention of someone. Have a look at this web site. www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au You will find information and help for people like you who have lost someone to suicide. And of course you can phone them for help and support 24/7. The number is 1300 659 467.

I suspect even if you knew the reason for her death it would not help much. To you it may well sound silly or trivial, a pain or grief that could have been managed with help. In my experience there comes a time when the world feels alien, fearful and without hope. While we all have our bad patches in life, we usually know they will go away eventually. The person who wants to die has no real belief in this. They would say something like this to themselves. "I am not worthwhile and the world is too hard. Nothing will ever change and I will be in this place of pain for ever. The world will be better off without me."

I expect you will disagree with the whole of this statement in regard to your friend and wonder how she could think this. And how could she be the beautiful person we saw while she believed she was horrible. We all wear a mask at times in our lives. Those with the greatest pain have their mask permanently in place.

What can you do to ease your pain? Remember your friend the way you saw her. Encourage your friends to talk about her, about the good times you had together and the funny times. Bring out photographs. I have no doubt this will be hard to start and you feel weepy at times, but this does help to manage your feelings.

I presume her funeral is over and that you attended it. Why not organise an afternoon or evening specifically to remember her. Perhaps ask someone to talk to you about suicide and what you can do. Beyond Blue can help you with this and can send someone from the Speakers Bureau. Most of all you can spread the word that mental illness is not shameful, those who are unlucky enough to be unwell need the help and support of their families and friends. So often the attitude that so and so needs to stop feeling sorry for themselves, just get on with life, stop pretending, and other comments you can add to this list.

Talk to your local mental health agencies and ask what you can do to help. Fund raising is as valuable as anything else. Keep writing.

Mary