Having a hard time accepting myself

[Liam007]

I have doubts, I made another post on this board elsewhere but I have so much more I want to say.

As I mentioned in the other post, it's in the school section. I find myself not really fitting in with my school because I am pretty much a goody two shoes, I don't like taking risks and I refuse to drink alcohol.

But here I just wanted to discuss a few things that happen because of or outside of school.

I basically feel worthless, I don't feel as if I have done anything to help anyone else, have nothing to be really proud of or feel like I contribute anything to the world. I feel as if my existence is pointless

There are some nights I can't sleep so find myself taking self-esteem tests online and trying to listen to the saddest music to make myself cry.

I find myself apologizing all the time for the littlest mistakes, repeatedly.

 Any advice to lighten up on myself? Am I thinking about too much at my age? (17) Should I wait a little longer till all those things come into play?

Thanks, Liam

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work online (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 224 636.

[dougall]

Hi , you are not alone in thinking what is it all for my 17 year son has a similar attitude, listens to music that I don't understand, lacks self-confidence, finds it hard to relate to anyone, does not like people so does not go out.  It is part of growing up and trying to find where you fit in, the real thing is if you don't fit in that is okay because everyone has a place and a purpose, they may have to wait years or less to find it but you will.  We all go through times when we don't know what we are meant to do or who we are meant to trust we try our best.  There are people who love you and accept you for you, they may not know how to help and say the wrong thing but they do care.

[Flex]

Try listening to some happy songs they can actually change your mood from feeling down to feeling great give it time though. If your having trouble fitting in maybe your meant to be a leader? Leaders don't follow they lead. Feeling sad is a powerful emotion but if you can turn it around then feeling happy is much more powerful. Take up painting that always makes me feel better even though I'm no good at it, it helps with over thinking things to much. I hope this helps out.

Flex 

[Liam007]

Hi Flex,

I really do appreciate what you are saying, but I just feel I don't really have the confidence to be a leader, I'm not sure I just can't picture myself as one at the moment.

I'm trying a few more positive songs though.

Thanks

[Flex]

Hi Liam,

That's quite ok and understandable about not feeling the whole leader thing just yet, not everyone can be a leader, I guess that's why there are more followers in life. Turn the happy songs up even when your feeling under the weather they really work for me and try changing your breathing to big deep breaths instead of short and shallow breaths that can have a huge affect on how you feel in any moment or situation, but its great to hear your reply and that your trying a few more positive songs.

All the best..

Flex

[dougall]

Hi Liam,

Hope you are feeling good today.  My son is feeling happier these days as he has found a girl who has taken an interest in him.  People have asked him if he is gay or just assumed he is because he is different.  He is different in the way that he listens to people and can relate to the girls.  He still is trying to find his niche and he will get there and so will you.  We all go through life wanting people to like us, I also was a goody two shoes at school and it was a very lonely place.  I wanted to fit in so bad but was shy and thought some of the things the other girls were doing was wrong.  I am still trying to fit in, have been doing it for years so I think now is the time to be myself and let everyone else worry about what they are doing.  I have come to the conclusion the reason I don't fit in with others expectations or rules is it is there expectations and rules not mine.  Everyone is insecure even the most confident of people are still insecure.  The only person that can truly appreciate us is ourselves, the good and the bad.  You are unique and only one of you so think what a wonderful thing that is because no one else has what you have.

[white knight]

jHi LiamC, plenty of good experiences here for your guidance. Great input.

You remind me so much of myself. At 17 I joined the RAAF and refused to drink or smoke. I soon realised (sadly) that I was on the outer of the group I lived with. Then suddenly 8 months later I broke and started to drink in excess to be popular. And sadly again it was because I did indeed become accepted quite quickly as my antics when drunk made me the village clown.

Looking back, I wished I had the will power to not weaken and remained a non drinker. Then I'd have more to be proud about.

So, my first and foremost piece of advice is to remain yourself. One day that girl will come along and want the guy that doesnt drink- believe that!!!

Some things in life dont come automatically.  You might be better at maths than others. So you are not as relaxed with groups than others- same thing. Unfortunately you are the type that is often labelled. Being "different" means you are a "nerd" or other names that I think are cruel and unnecessary.

So my next piece of advice is to live your life as if you discount what everyone else does or behaves in their lives. Yes, allow yourself to mature but dont rush that. It used to drive me nuts when adults would say "grow up". Why? Why do I have to grow up faster than nature intended? And where do you buy grow up pills anyway...same as patience...cant find those pills anywhere either. Being cool pills are even harder to find Liam.

What I did realise when I was your age or a little older is that older adults want to suppress you. It's part of their need to control, feel superior and is often the result of jealousy. So be aware that most older adults are only like that to you and not like that to people their own age because they cant stand over them, only you.

If only I could prove to you Liam, that you have no reason, factual evidence, to lack confidence. And because of this confusion of yours, your lack of self worth etc you compound the issues with worry.

I too listened to sad music. I found it was a need to feel sad. Later on in my life I found I had dysthymia (google it) a form of depression. Bee Gees sad songs were my thing. Later in life I became a poet of mainly sad poems. If my poem made someone cry reading it then I succeeded.

So there might well be more to you and your condition than meets the eye. Over time you should investigate these possibilities but dont be in a rush.

Treat it as a journey of discovering yourself. That makes it interesting....

[Liam007]

At 17 I joined the RAAF

Wow!, I actually tried to join the RAAF at the start of this year, but I turned away because of my Type 1 Diabetes, then I wanted to be a police officer again Diabetes shut me down and then Firefighter? Didn't even bother with the application. That was a major putdown for me. I was feeling hurt I felt like my Diabetes was going to do nothing but hold me back. It was something I should NEVER have blamed myself for. You could consider that the start of my problems then the kids and school life started to fall apart as well.

I want to you two very important things.

1. I will never drink or do anything to change myself to the point where I do something stupid, I've always listened to what my parents tell me and never do anything unless I'm absolutely sure
2. Whilst I'm very upset I never have and never will consider harming myself or taking my own life

I'll keep writing on this forum, I've decided that the worst thing I can do is stop talking about it and not acknowledge it. Ignoring it is the worst thing I can do.

Thanks again white knight, be speaking to you (and all) again soon 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam C,

I'm not sure if you are still connect with the forums or not as I have not seen your name around for a while.

I hope you are doing okay and you have plenty of help and assistance to work your way through year 12.

I've just read and seen a wonderful and inspiring post by a guy who goes by Maccamuffin. His post is called "this is my anxiety awareness film". I hope you will have a look at it and maybe contact the guy if you need to or want to.

You may be able to help and support each other.

Check it out and see what you think. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Liam007]

Hey Mrs.Dools, sorry for the late reply. I kinda had a lot going at the moment.

 I canceled my headspace sessions for a few reasons. High school hasn't really changed, people tell me I'm too eccentric and they may be right.... The school has announced so many excursions it's crazy. I don't want to go on any of them or go to the formal or graduation assembly. I'm now taking some medication

 I looked at that film, It was well made and I admire Maccamuffin making the film to tell his story. I'm not sure if I'm in a position to offer support though, I'm not sure what advice I could offer.

The acting interest has come back. (I told this story to Neil a while back) An actor who is famous around our town came to our school a few months ago, I actually shook his hand and had a brief chat with him.

Anyway a few weeks ago he contacts me to ask if I would help out with his latest project I said yes and will be appearing on some TV ads soon. So that's awesome.

 Thanks so much for writing to me, it's much appreciated,

Liam