Feeling alone and stupid

olivia_99 · ‎08-09-2020

Hi, my name is Olivia and this is the first time i have ever written anything like this before. I haven't really talked to anyone about how im feeling except myself. I usually try to reason with my feelings by talking aloud to no one, but eventually i get all worked up and start crying, making myself sad about nothing. So i figured i should stop doing that and try this.

So here it is. I am really sad. I am really sad because i constantly feel alone in this world. i feel really dumb all the time. whenever i meet people i really struggle to engage on an intellectual level with them and that really bothers me! I idealise people who are knowledgeable. I idealise people that know sports, science, maths, literature, history! When people rattle of information too me i find it the coolest thing and i WISH i could do that to but i can't. I am useless when it comes to that. I only know a little or none. And the rare moments i try to sound smart or intellectual i will always be squandered by someone else who knows more. When i study i feel like i could read something 10 times and i still wont be able to recite what i learnt the next day. Maybe the concept will sound familiar but i will have to search it up again so that i can remember.

I mainly feel alone, because i feel like everyone in this world thinks differently to me. I feel like i talk to myself way too much because i am the only one who will understand. and i really do believe that. And i have noticed the more i do this, the more i have developed hateful judgement towards people i know, because i convince myself they will never understand, they have perfect lives and i hate that and them for it. However, i am able to put a poker face on, and hide this side to my friends and family.

I just feel so stupid all the time. And i hear myself getting angry about. I just want to run away sometimes so that i dont feel like i have put on this fake image that i know stuff and that im interesting when really i know i am not.

Sophie_M · ‎08-09-2020

Hey Olivia, thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forum. We're sorry to hear that you're struggling with negative feelings around your worth. We can hear that these feelings have been difficult to cope with in many parts of your life, and we understand that this must be difficult. We think it's great that you're so proactive in seeking help and that you are willing to examine your own feelings and behaviour.
We would recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/
It sounds like you're in a stressful situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided. ReachOut might be another helpful organisation to get in contact with. The ReachOut website helps under 25s with everyday questions through to tough times. The below articles might be of interest to you:

Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.

CyP · ‎08-09-2020

Hi Olivia_99,

Thank you for your post and sharing your thoughts here with the community. It takes courage to do the first post , so a very warm welcome to the forum .

I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling, and how your thoughts seems to make you feel sad, alone, and frustrated at times.

Talking about your thoughts out loud ( like what you did here in the forum) is a great start . I understand it's easier said than done though sometimes... and yet you've articulated your experience that are perhaps very retable to people out there.

I second Sophie_m's recommendation , and the tips around noticing and challenging thoughts that maybe holding you back.

Intense emotions can sometimes overwhelm our brain, and skew our judgement and perspectives. If you ever feel that way, try take a little break away from whatever you are doing or thinking, and come back to it later when you feel less emotional. Sometimes i find that helpful when I want to break the cycle of perpetuating thoughts.

Start small with your ideas, write them down or draw visuals if it gets too much, one thing at a time.

Do reach out and talk to someone on the hotlines. Speaking about how your feel and what you think does take some practice as well, so keep up what you've started here, and keep at it 🙂

I hope you'll find some useful sharing from the forum posts by others too.

Warm wishes,
CP