fed up

[elysev22]

New to this so not really sure how to lay this out but here goes.

Angry. Sad. Numb. Fine. This is the range of emotions that feels most natural to me. Or atleast the most honest. When i'm happy, during those moments, it feels like i'm trying too hard, or it's so foreign to me that I don't completely feel it, like my body is rejecting it. And as soon as i'm no longer, "happy", I feel so much more myself, and honest. It's like, when I have a good day, it's as if my hormones, or god, or karma, or whatever it is you believe in decides "you know what, you deserve just one nice moment, of calm, and joy, and contentment". So it's like it's given to me, with the promise of it's only a temporary gift, and i'm not to forget it was never mine to begin with. that's what happiness feels like to me.

getting better to me seems futile because of this. seeing the psychologists, who all treat virtually the same way, one hour sessions that barely scrape the surface of the same recycled crap i've already been talking about for years to the point where sometimes i don't even know if the words i'm saying are my own anymore. it just, it all seems pointless.

and i'm fed up with everyone telling me that "it doesn't have to be like this", that "life is worth living". i'm frustrated and angry, sure, but mostly i'm just full of despair at this point. not even just sadness, that's not a specific enough description, despair is much more akin to how i feel right now. other words like hopeless or meaningless or pointless or worthless could be used too, but its really despair that i feel right now. and have been feeling for 7 months now. the only other way i can think to describe how i feel is the way one feels in a circumstance of unrequited love. something you want so badly but something that you will never have, yet you can't rid yourself of this unhealthy addiction to an idea, and you've never even been with the person before but you're convinced it's what you want, but how can you know you want if you don't even know what it truly is in reality. that's how i feel about happiness. like i've been chasing this romanticised idea.

and i'm sick of chasing, to the point where i feel stupid, like i've been chasing something that was never worth chasing in the first place, because it wasn't going to be satifisfying. i have an emptiness inside me which i now worry can't be satiated with anything, an unnatural yearning for something that doesn't exist.

thankyou for listening..

[SubduedBlues]

elysev22 welcome to the BB forums. As I read through your story, I wondered if you were decribing an anxiety event more so than a depression event. But, not being an expert I wouldn't know. Either way, I'm sure the people here will be able to provide you with the help you are seeking.

Maybe this is related, maybe it's not. But when as I read through your posting the thing that kept coming to my mind was a post I made in mid-July entitled "The perfect one - by Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe," if you have an opportunity, perhaps you can have a read of that one. 

Anyhow, not too dissimilar to yourself (and to that thread) I had a colleague who has created an ideal happiness for herself. This ideal has so many conditions and must haves, that it is all but unobtainable for her. 

Unlike Mike's story though, my friend had become so focused on her journey to find happiness that the journey itself became the be all and end all of her existence. She was so afraid of actually finding happiness, as in her mind that would signify the end of her journey (and what would she do if it were not for the journey?) 

--- 

That "life is worth living" comment. I really don't like that one. It's akin to someone telling me that water is wet. Thanks a lot Captain Obvious! 

However, what I can tell you is what someone once told me. The easiest way to forget your troubles is to listen to someone else tell you about theirs. And a great way to find solutions to your ailments, is to help someone find answers to their problems. 

I suggest that you stop actively looking for an ideal. I also suggest that you cease focusing on all of those hurdles which are preventing you from attaining that ideal. I think it is time for me to listen to other people's troubles and start helping them find solutions to their ailments.

Care to join me?
D'

[AGrace]

Hi elysev22,

Welcome to Beyondblue. I'm glad you've decided to join us here in the forums.

I wanted to start by saying that depression takes over your entire being when you have it. It rules your thinking styles so they are all negative. It takes over your emotions so that you either feel nothing or you feel negative emotions in an extreme manner. It runs your actions so that you either do nothing or you try to do something but it takes a huge effort. 

For me the biggest help when I feel depressed is to recognise it's there. That's not the real you talking when you mention that life is not worth living, that's the depression talking. You and the depression are two separate entities, as much as it feels like you have fused to become one. That's the grip that depression has.

Despite seeing a Psychologist, which you've commented hasn't been helpful, what other treatment are you getting for the depression? For me the Psychological stuff is only helpful when my mind can see alternate perspectives. Otherwise it's just like banging your head against a brick wall.

The final point I wanted to make is that emotions are not facts, and neither are thoughts. Just because we get a feeling of despair there is no fact to this. Have you tried just focusing on what you are doing? Doing some enjoyable things? And not engaging in the feelings you get from them? When we buy into emotions or thoughts that's when we give them power. Do you practice mindfulness every day?

Ok, so enough questions. This won't go away over night. I hope you'll come back to us though. There are many of us who have felt just like you do.

AGrace