Ex depressed

[Livlucy]

So little over a week ago now my boyfriend told me that he couldn't do it anymore, and that he wanted to break up. He had told me about a month prior that he had been feeling depressed for over a year now, but I was the first and only person to know. He told me that I had inadvertently pushed him to want to get help, but that he didn't want to hurt me in the process or drag me down with him.

I am trying my best to not take it personally, and I really don't want to give up on him. I told him I would be there in whatever way he wanted, and he has so far decided to remain in my life and has come to me when he has had days worse than others. We are still talking most days, and we have seen each other in person and talked over the phone too.

he is my best friend and I want him to be happy again, but I must admit it hurts me to think I couldn't help him enough. I am very confused as to how to deal with not abandoning him when he is at his most vulnerable, but also with dealing with my own sadness with the breakup.

[SourceShield]

Hey LivLucy!

I feel that the best thing that you can do for him, at the moment, is to honour is request.

What youre feeling is a natural part of the loss .

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost - okay, so he isnt dead but a loss of a relationship, is still a loss!.

They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.

They can happen in 5mins or over a period of days, months and even years.

So, what you are feeling is normal and natural.

Right now - its very important for you to also honour your own self, and keep your psychology healthy.

Sometimes, we must love the ones we love...from a distance.

Communicate with him, that you love him, and that you support him.

And, then reverse-engineer that process...and say that to yourself - Be here for you now too.

As you stay healthy and strong, you will be a lighthouse for him..your healthy outlook, will be an inspiration for him, when he needs a little extra support.

Look up 'healthy boundaries' - this is when we must assert ourselves.

We keep ourselves and our values out in the open with those that we are communicating with.

We say - this is okay with me, and this is not.

Its really important.

Your feelings are valid too.

Often times people that are experiencing depression, can without knowing, bring others 'down' with them as well...we dont mean to at all, so you must keep yourself emotionally safe.

I am glad that he is getting help...thats huge and needs to be fully encouraged, but dont forget that if you need some extra assistance with this too - there are people that YOU can speak to, too.

There is a freecall number for BeyondBlue, and Lifeline, for example.

There are also plenty of great resources here as well, for those people that have friends, family and loved ones that are experiencing depression...so take a good look around.

Stay in touch.

Stay safe.

Cry when you need to, let it all out, okay sweetheart?

We are here for you.

MuchLove

[Livlucy]

Hi thanks for getting back to me

the first few days following the break up I thought I was doing the best thing by not talking to him, but he kept approaching my brother at work (I work with not only my ex, but my brother) to ask how I was and kept mentioning how he didn't want to break up with me but thought he was doing the best by me. So I approached him about where the boundaries were and he told me he wanted to keep talking to me and seeing me in person.

I agreed with him, and a few days ago he came over to visit me (I had knee surgery in the last week too) with the premise of dropping off shoes id left at his house. He ended up staying for over an hour and had cooked me all of my favourite meals.

i think the reason I am finding this so hard is because on the one hand I know that his depression is essentially the cause of our breakup, but at the same time he is not willing to walk away completely. He has essentially pushed away our relationship but he doesn't want to lose me completely.

right now I'm trying to take each day as it comes. I have already started to speak to a psychologist as well, and have my 2nd session coming up soon. I'm just very confused in the mean time.

[SourceShield]

Great - you have a action plan.

Glad youre seeing a psych.

That is a very confusing thing indeed - I feel that the depression that your BF is experiencing could also be the cause of his 'hot - cold' thing, thats going on...he is probably thinking that if he does this, as in the break-up, that he is saving you from a lot more hurt in the future.

Young guys...and some older men too...have a bit of a 'hero' complex going on.

So, he's doing his best to keep you safe from his 'stuff' but at the same time when the heart is involved...he cannot help but want to still be with you.

Because he does not know what he NEEDS right now...I feel that its best that you just keep things platonic right now, engaging in a full-on relationship, at the moment, whilst he is still coming to terms with his condition, could actually make things worse for him.

And you dont want that.

You still really care for him.

Again, dont let his condition beat you or get you all depressed either - thats no good for either of you.

He is feeling weak right now, men hate that feeling especially...really rips at our core - he hates that he is hurting you, and so he does his best to appease you...but then the depression hits him again...and the vicious cycle begins...and around and around you go.

YOU must be the strong one for both of you.

Stick with your Psych and get some strategies in place that are healthy for the both of you, without losing the contact all together.

Stay strong.

[Livlucy]

Thank you again for replying

i think your response was probably the most helpful thing anybody has said to be in the past week.

i will just keep having to look back at this when I start to question myself again

[SourceShield]

Hey,

Thats all g!

You take good care of you.

MuchLove

[Livlucy]

I thought everything was going well.

but today he came over and I just let all of my feelings out. I told him how his decision was not what I wanted and how being without him was excruciating.

but he was so distant about everything. He tried to make me feel better by telling me to keep positive yet it was just so frustrating because he won't even listen to his own advice.

He told me that he believed I loved him, but that he didn't deserve it.

i don't know what to do. By giving him space I feel like I'm abandoning him but I also can't keep going on with the mixed signals.

[Livlucy]

He said how he was really a horrible person and how he couldn't let me see that horrible person come out, and so that's why it was necessary to break up.

I feel like he has broken up with me all over again. I just have nothing left

[pipsy]

Hi LivLucy. Your bf sounds as though he is all over the place with his emotions. When someone is depressed, their thinking is extremely 'cloudy'. I think it could be beneficial now for you to tell him his continued on- again off- again presence in your life is disturbing as you need peace too. Tell him straight he needs to sort out where he is emotionally before he can commit to anyone. I think also now might be a good time to ask him to cease and desist all contact as he is confusing you and him. I realize this is going to be hard but he is 'playing' with both of your emotions and that is not healthy. You need to care for you and his attitude of appearing then leaving is not helping.

Lynda

[SourceShield]

Hi LivLucy,

I agree with Pipsy 100%.

You wrote -

"I thought everything was going well.

but today he came over and I just let all of my feelings out.

I told him how his decision was not what I wanted and how being without him was excruciating".

I totally get that you really felt that you needed to say this to him, but from his perspective...that wouldve been a lot of emotional-info to download in a moment.

And, he's just not that emotionally-healthy enough to process all that properly, the way you need him to.

You are both at different places now.

Thats not your fault.

Thats also not his...he is unwell.

Just like we dont rush people with influenza to hurry up and get better, just 'cause their sickness maybe inconvenient to us...he is unwell, and he must recognise this for himself.

And, he must be 'treated' properly, for this, as he is unwell.

Perhaps this sense of abandonment that you are sensing, is more about you, than him?

Another reason why the two of you, spending this time to take care of yourselves...is really important.

Depression is a ghastly companion - it makes us say and do things...that we really wish we didnt do or say!

But, youre not helping him, or yourself, by allowing this to carry on as it is.

The next move is yours...

Are you still seeing the psych?

MuchLove&Support