Bpd lapse..

[freemefrommydemons]

I feel ashamed. Today and I woke up, and I had that feeling that it was going to be a hard day. It took me an hour to get out of bed, but I did it. I got up, and I made breakfast, and caught the bus to uni and this is itself was an accomplishment as I had such big issues catching buses ever since the middle of 2012. I made it to uni and put on my 'mask' smiled and laughed, and made sure the new friends I have made in uni wouldnt think I was different. I finished my uni class almost breaking into tears half wa through, and went into town. I caught up with my best friend, and normally that makes me so happy and energetic and ready to fight, but today I felt horrid. Like I was being replaced, and even though she told me I will always be her best friend I felt as if I was trying so hard to make sure she still liked me, and becoming clingy and a tad psychotic. She left to go to work and I was still walking around town trying to think about what I was doing, and this is when I did the bad part. In the past I had a huge problem with alcohol, and with the help of my psychologist I managed to cut down on my alcohol, but today I just couldnt hold back and went straight for it. So I have been drinking, and I have more to drink just to make me pass out. I feel horrible tonight and I have no one to talk to, im trying to positive self talk and tell myself that it will be okay, but honestly my mind is going crazy, it wont calm down and this scares me so much. Unstability scares me. Loss of control scares me. I scare myself and I do not want to become addicted to alcohol, and self harm again. Sorry, I just needed to vent 

[freemefrommydemons]

Another day... another drink and once again I find myself becoming addicted. I have had an allegric reaction to the vodka I brought (not the normal one I buy ) and I dont even care.. I am just continuing to drink it. Sometimes I feel like there is literally no point to even being alive

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[MrsCam]

this is not good.... 

there must be someone you can call to chat with, a friend or family member or lifeline 131114.

hoping you feel better soon

ps dont beat yourself up for relapsing, we all do it...

[AGrace]

Hi fmfmd,

I think I may have just replied to one of your earlier posts. It's been a couple of days, but I wanted to know how you're travelling?

All of your symptoms are so typical of BPD. It hurts doesn't it? It's so terrifying feeling like you're not quite like others, and that people are going to leave or replace you. Remind yourself that it's just the BPD controlling your thoughts. 

In terms of the alcohol, as mrscam has said, this is not good. Although I do understand because I too have engaged in self destructive behaviours before and they sometimes feel like they are the only thing that will help you regain some control or just let everything go. Are you still seeing your Psychologist? Are you able to contact her/him outside of hours? Or do you have a CAT team (or equivalent) that you can contact just to help you get through this difficult spot?

You did really well to brave the bus and attend uni despite how you were feeling. You should be really proud of that. Have you tried to chat with your friend again since you met up? Does she know about the BPD? Are you able to speak with her about the abandonment issues that go hand in hand with the illness? It may be easier if she knows how and why you feel the way you do. If she's your best friend she will more than linkely want to support you.

Hope to hear back from you.

AGrace