Am I depressed?

[sar89]

I don't even know if I have the right to be posting. Am I depressed? Do I just need to toughen up and be grateful for what I do have?

Basically I had an excellent childhood (probably too good, maybe I expect too much), followed by getting on the wrong side of a 'popular' girl at school which lead to me being depressed. It changed my personality and destroyed my confidence. But I bounced back and over the next 6 years I was generally happy, although the smallest thing would make me feel down, self conscious, etc. I expected life to continue to get better and it did for a while, I went overseas and had a long term relationship. The relationship failed (which is fine) but once it was over, I realised all my friends from before the relationship had left town, I had no one. To make matters worse I had recently got a chronic illness, which was part of the reason my ex bf left me too, which has made me incredibly self conscious about it to this day. I aimed to start fresh this year. I had a new job and 'knew' I would meet many single, like minded people. Wrong, 6 months in and I've realised the workplace is too busy for social relationships and 99% of the people are in serious relationships, having kids, etc. They aren't interested in single people activities. The realisation has set in that this could be my life forever, boring, alone and wishing for more and that's depressing. I do just feel weak though, I mean I don't really have anything, other than a lack of friends, to get upset about. But I guess I want to be enjoying my 20's, having fun with friends, travelling, finding a husband and having kids, but I cant do any of this as I don't want to/can't alone and I have lost the confidence to initiate anything due to rejection. Eg, invite 20 people to b'day, only 3 show up. I'm starting to lose interest and motivation to even try and have a social life, which just makes me even more miserable. So I guess my issues are a lack of social group and an ever growing reduction in confidence. With confidence I have got to the point where I am too self conscious to go on a date or mingle with new people, so it doesn't exactly help the social group issue. I should also mention I live in a small town, no matter where I go or what I do there is always someone from my past with some gossip, which is hard to deal with when confidence is already low. So am I depressed or on the verge of? Or just miserable? And any advice?

[Doolhof]

Hi Sar,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue site and the "family" here. I don't think it matters that much where you attach your posts, the people who run the show know where to post them, and I believe they ley you know if they decide to put your story under a different heading. I am sure someone will enlighten us both if what I have mentioned is incorrect.

The main thing is that you have taken the step to share your story, to seek out some advice, to het help and understanding of your situation and to know that someone cares.

Living in a small community can be both a blessing and a curse at the same time! You don't need to live up to the expectations of any one else. You are your own person. You may still be the same person by name that you were years ago, but life has happened since then, and you have become who you are today. You don't need to feel like you are stuck in the past because that is all other people may think of you.

I am wondering how small the town is? Are there other towns around you? Could you look up the local council guide and see if there are clubs or groups you could join. Think outside of the box. I joined the Country Fire Service so I could meet new people in the small town we moved to.

You mentioned having feeling of not wanting to be rejected, so that would be affecting your self esteem. To help you find it easier to communicate with people again in general, try having a brief chat with the people you run into doing every day normal stuff, like the people serving in the shops, the people at the post office, the butcher, the take away shop. Anywhere there are people there is an opportunity for a chat. Share a smile with someone, say Hi.

Expectations around events like birthdays and Christmas for example can lead to us having awful feelings if they are not met. The three people who came to your birthday obviously wanted to be there. Invite them out to lunch or dinner sometime. Build up the friendships you do have already.

Do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself some flowers. Have take away in a park. Hire your favourite movie (Do people still hire movies?) Paint your nails, have a bubble bath by candle light, tell yourself that you are special and you deserve to be happy.

I am sure having a chronic illness does not help either. Did you want to share that too? My posts are always too long! Ha. Ha. I am running out of words to use. Wishing you well. From Mrs. Dools

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

There was a study that showed that positive self-talk is counter-productive in depressed people, because they think "You're great!  You deserve this!  ... You' don't really believe that.  You're fooling yourself.  You're crap.  You're nothing.".  The positive talk just fuels more negative talk.  People felt worse after the attempt at positive talk than they did beforehand.

It works for people who already have high self-esteem, though 😛 .  So uh.. just raise your self-esteem, and then you can do all the self-esteem-raising positive self-talk you want!

Being grateful for the good things in your life sounds like a good thing.  That doesn't mean you're not allowed to want something better, or that you have to ignore the bad things.  Sometimes things are crap.  But noticing and feeling the good things is a good thing.

[AGrace]

Hi Sar89,

I wanted to add a few things to some of the valuable points that Doolhof and Odin's Beard have already made.

Firstly, a lot of people have asked that same question, "am I depressed?" Although the label itself is unimportant, I like to look at it in terms of frequency and intensity. If you have been feeling low for some time, or if you feel low quite frequently, coupled with feeling low to an extent where it's impacting your daily living, then I think it's worth getting some advice from a professional. This could start off with a visit to your GP. If, as you say, you are concerned about his/her reaction, check out the list of GPs on BB's website. The GPs listed here are all very familiar with mental health, and should be able to steer you in the right direction.

Secondly, Odin's Beard is right, positive self talk alone can have little impact. However, more balance thoughts can be very useful. You may wish to google Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This form of therapy works on analysing negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in an effort to help you determine a more balanced thought, which in turn will have an impact on your feelings and behaviours.

Thirdly, you might also like to have a look at the following threads:

SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING DEPRESSION under the Depression section

SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY under the Anxiety section

Finding joy when times are dark (I'm not sure if this is under treatments / recovery, but if you enter the title into the search function top right of the page, it will direct you to this thread)

I hope we will hear back from you.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Sar, I'd also like to welcome you to the site and thanks for being brave to open up as this does take courage and a lot of it.

I'd also like to thank the wonderful people who have already replied to you with some great advice, but what I would to reiterate is that your self esteem has fallen, and when this happens we tend fall into a state of becoming depressed, which I believe has happened to you.

You say that you feel weak, so I am also wondering whether this is from your chronic illness or whether it's psychologically, both of which are a worry to us.

I can't blame you for being upset if only 3 people turned up to your birthday celebrations, because I'm sure I would feel exactly the same, but I wonder whether any of these people could give any explanation why they think this has happened.

When you feel this way it's really hard to talk in a positive manner, but if you do it will only be overtaken by negative thoughts, criticising yourself in anyway that's possible, so it's a battle which means that your confidence is at level of 1 or 2 on a scale of 10.

Living in a small town means that it is a chatter box, as I live in a town of 28,000, but even so the word gets around.

Before I end this reply I want to know if you are able to relocate, especially as you have a chronic illness which may need constant care, so I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x