Upset and Angry

[Aaaggghhh]

Hi,

in new to this and don’t know really where to start but I am obviously here for a reason.

i have always throughout my whole life been a very chilled and relaxed person until ver recently. I unexpectedly lost my brother who was only 29- I don’t have a close family and growing up my brother and I were closest in age so stuck together had a similar group of friends and had the same humour. My brother followed a path that lead him to drugs, Kai etc but I never judged him and loved him. I remember receiving the phone called that he had died- I did not cry at all I just fell nothing and carried on my day as normal and went to work the following day.

i don’t have a close family but mum and my sister are very close. I found that in the 2 weeks leading up to the funeralum, dad and my sisters spent a lot time together- I was never invited. I just kept thinking it may have been because I had no reaction to my brothers death and they all did which made it awkward.

After telling my partner that my brother had died his first response was “ oh we knew that was going to happen” and kept telling me that - your family isn’t that close but the reality My brother and I were the two youngest were close and we both knew more about each other and spoke all the time. I never mentioned much about him to my partner as he did not really get along or like him. The day of his funeral came and again I still did not cry but guess what my partner did so I was there to make sure he was ok.

its been about 10 weeks and I just find that I get really any and frustrated at stuff and snap all the time. The last few week I have just completely cut people out of my life as I feel like I’m going to explode. Sometimes I walk at night around the streets to help calm down- I find that I want to cry but I don’t cry however I feel like I can’t breath.

what is wrong with me???

[therising]

A warm welcome to you. My heart truly goes out to you during this time of incredible grief.

Anger is a truly interesting emotion. Before recognising emotion as being mental and physical energy in motion (within us), I'd always perceived anger to be a pretty destructive thing. Nowadays I see it as an energetic motivator, pushing me to ask constructive questions. I believe if we don't begin asking the questions that need to be asked, we can remain connected to a state of what can be overwhelming energy, powerful enough to take our breath away at times. Whether our mind and body forces a release through talking it out, crying, going for a walk or exploding (when it builds up too much), we will be forced to vent our energy in some way.

I'm not asking that you answer the following, perhaps just give the questions some thought in helping you make some sense of the anger:

• Are you angry regarding how you received the message that he had passed? Over the phone is thoughtless and very impersonal, given what his life means to you
• Are you angry with your brother for leaving?
• Are you angry with your family for not reaching out to you?
• Are you angry with your partner for not offering you the recognition you deserve during such a time? 'We knew that was going to happen' does not recognise that it has happened and how deeply it has impacted you

I'm praying I haven't upset you too much by asking these questions.

I believe all these questions relate to a lack of consideration towards you. Whilst everyone around you has chosen to do as they please, a song title pops into my head - 'What about me (it isn't fair)?' Such unfairness can be angering, forcing us to constructively speak up.

If you feel you can't speak to the people directly involved, have you given thought to grief counseling? Someone more objective may hold the key to you being able to open up. With grief being a process, do you want someone to feel the process with you (family etc) or guide you through it (counselor) or both? Identifying your objective may help with the decision. Given most of us aren't educated (growing up) when it comes to coping with grief, perhaps an education is what you're seeking to a degree, in order to help make sense of things.

Anger will call for us to re-identify in a new way. Choosing an identity that serves us best shows deep consideration and self-love, when it comes to personal evolution. I am someone who seeks fairness and consideration can replace I am angry.

Take care

[White_Rose]

Dear Aaaggghhh

A very warm welcome to the forum. It's good you have come here to talk and thank you for telling us your story. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your brother.

To lose someone close to you, especially someone so young, is not what we expect. I imagine you are still experiencing a great deal of shock. Grief is an individual journey so crying/not crying and other expressions of grief is different for everyone. Keeping your emotions under control, even when you do not realise this is happening, is a normal reaction. When my sister died (she had cancer) I also found it difficult to feel anything. I know I miss her very much though it has been 15 years since she passed away.

Sometimes a memory of her will pop up and I feel upset. It can take a little while to get through that emotion. Of all my siblings this sister was the person I was closest to. We do not grieve to order. I am sad for you that your family did not include you in their talks about your brother as I think it would have been very helpful to talk about him in their company. Have you talked to any other family members about your brother? I think it would be a good step forward to do this.

Can you invite your family to your home to celebrate your brother's life? Tell them why you want to get together, that you want to tell stories about him, to remember him as a younger person before he turned to drugs.Dig out a few photos. Getting out photos for yourself may be helpful and help you to move on further. What was his favourite music, hobbies etc. It's good to remember how he made you laugh and other bits of his life. Your dad and sisters may have been doing this or maybe not.

How is your mom going? Can you talk with her about your brother? I imagine your mom is very distressed but talking about the person concerned can help a lot. Perhaps it is time for you to reach out to your family. They cannot know how you feel and are probably wondering why you do not get upset. It is common for people to take a long time before they can allow themselves to really think about the person they have lost and admit he has gone.

Your anger etc is really your way of dealing with this. Channelling it into a more constructive expression will help. If you need help with this why not chat to a counsellor. Please continue to post in.

Mary

[Ebi]

Hi Aaaggghhh,

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother's death. You've already received some thoughtful and helpful responses from therising and White Rose.

I just wanted to share that when my grandmother died, whom I was extremely close to, I couldn't cry for years. I was confused by this and felt bad. I tried to force the tears but they just wouldn't come. About 10 years later another family member died and I found that I was overcome with grief, and it was grief for my cousin and my Nanna. It was like a path had opened up allowing me to access all the grief inside me. I'm not scared of my grief anymore and I welcome opportunities when I can connect with it (if that makes sense), like pieces of music or movies that help me to connect with the sadness. I find it a bittersweet experience. The incredible sadness is only possible because of the incredible love I feel towards those I have lost.

It sounds like the people around you haven't been really helpful in supporting you to experience your grief. So I guess you could try to ask family and/or partner to be more helpful, and/or get help from a counsellor. I suspect you will need to get some sort of help before you will start to feel better. I hope posting here will also help you to make a start.

Thinking of you, Ebi