Stuck

[lin99]

Hi,

I'm here to talk about my mental health, because I want to change, and I want to get better. 

I just turned 18 a few months ago, and this is the worst I've ever felt in my life, Im stuck in the darkest downward spiral I have ever been in. My life is supposed to be just starting, but it feels like it's ending. Im an adult now, I can do whatever I want, and I have all this responsibility, autonomy and freedom. Im in university, and I have endless opportunities in front of me and so many resources/help in my grasp...

But I am stuck,

paralysed by my thoughts, self-doubt and fear. Drowning in what I think is depression and anxiety. 

I have fought and worked hard to make it this far, to graduate college, and in fact to just be alive at this very moment, but I feel like I don't deserve it, I don't deserve any of the good things that have happened to me...

I don't even know why I think like this. I am so privelaged, and so extremely lucky to live the way I do. I have two parents who will love and support me at the end of the day, and regardless of what happens there will always be a roof over my head and food on my plate. My mum works so hard to provide for me and my siblings, and she is kind, generous and understanding. Even my friends who I ghost for weeks, and shut out are supportive and want to help. 

Yet I still feel worthless, miserable, unloveable and hopeless. 

I feel like I haven't suffered enough to feel the way I do, I haven't felt the sting of real struggle, of real life. I have trauma, but not enough to be this damaged. Don't get me wrong, my life certainly hasn't been easy, and i've had my fare share of shitty experiences, but not enough to feel these big things I feel. 

I think about ending my life all the time but I can never bring myself to do it.(I am safe right now, I am not at risk of harming myself). But no matter how good life gets, and how stable I feel, I seem to always get knocked back into this state of helplessness where I just want to run and hide, I just want to stop hurting, and the only way that seems possible is to end my life. 

At this point the only reason I am alive is for others, for my friends and family. I want to live for myself, pick myself up off the ground and work my way back up, out of this hole I have dug for myself. I want to get out of this depressed, self destructive state that I am so comfortable in. 

I want to enjoy being alive, and I want to really live. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi lin99,   Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. It was so brave of you to reach out here. We can understand how difficult it must be to feel this way. Thank you for letting us know about this.    We would like to talk through these feelings with you, so a member of our team will be getting in touch with you privately. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about self-harm, this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero). If you do not need immediate support, we’d suggest reaching out to Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800). Kids Helpline offers free phone counselling services 24/7 or you could also contact that via email or webchat through their website: https://kidshelpline.com.au/  Our community is full of lovely people, and some have experience of dealing with similar experiences. We’re sure they’d love to hear a bit more about you and may drop by and share their thoughts here once they spot your post.   Kind regards,    Sophie M 

[james1]

Hello lin99,

Welcome to these forums. I'm so glad you have reached out here because it sounds like you have been having just the worst time of your life and just want some help to stop hurting. 

I understand you've got a lot of really strong and big feelings, and don't know why it's so bad when you have a number of privileges as well. From my own experience with depression, mental health problems can affect everyone and the privileges we have don't really matter. Some things are just really painful and really hard to deal with because we're particularly sensitive to them. I guess a simple version of that is just that everyone has their triggers, and those triggers can cause real suffering.

I feel hopeful to hear that you want to live for yourself and find a way out of the current state you're in, and I hope this is a place you can use to get the support you need. There is so much in your post that I don't want to jump in on any particular concern just now, except to reassure you that this thread is yours now and if there's anything in particular you want to talk about here, we're here for you.

James

[lin99]

Thanks, Sophie! I would love to talk to a member of the team! I am not unsafe, and i'm not at risk of hurting myself currently but thanks for the resources and support.