Really struggling at the moment

[kj1981]

Hi. I'm a 37 year old guy who has had depression his whole life. I first started seeing mental health professionals when I was around 12 years of age, and I have seen more and more as my life has gone on. My current therapist thinks I may have had depression as early as age 2, which is kind of crazy, but here we are. I often go on good periods where things travel okay, and then I'll fall down a hole again, and have to lift myself up. I've had a number of these relapses over the years, and the thing is they get harder, not easier, to dig myself out of as I get older, because I get more and more evidence that things aren't ever going to change for me. I've been alone most of my life, apart from a toxic relationship of 2 years I was in, which ended very badly, with me suffering PTSD on top of everything else. It's coming on 10 years since that relationship ended and I haven't met anyone in that time that has shared a mutual interest or attraction in me. I've put on weight, lost my hair, and get older and uglier in that time, which has only made me more awkward and lacking in confidence. I've managed to work full time for 15 years despite my depression, and last year made the leap of faith to go to university to study psychology. I continue to work part-time in the industry I was working in, in a stressful job that requires shift work and weekend work, so I rarely socialise or have the energy or inkling to get out and enjoy life beyond working or studying. I am currently on university break and the time without the distraction of study has really messed me up. Some things have happened that triggered feelings and memories I've tried to bury, namely the feeling of having someone to share a life with. Coming up on ten years since I last was in a relationship, this has hit me very very hard. I feel so very alone, and don't see how things will get better in the future given the lack of interest I've gotten from women over the past 10 years, and the complete rejection I've experienced on dating sites and apps. I really want to pack it all in and get away from everything, but I have steep debts to pay and don't know how I'd pay them if I quit my job. I am leaning towards deferring uni, but I hate the idea of working my current job without studying, as it is an industry I am trying to get away from. I know if I want a relationship I need to accept myself and radiate confidence, but I just can't do it. I just don't like myself, and would love to be away from myself.

[therising]

Hi kj1981, welcome

First I want to say how much I seriously deeply admire you for going to uni at this point in your life. I'd love to do exactly what you've done, yet I don't believe my memory would cope with all there is to know regarding the study of psychology. My daughter is studying psychology at school and it blows my mind when it comes to everything there is to take in.

Do you believe you've been drawn to psychology for a reason? Do you feel like you have to get to know yourself on a whole other level? Are you the sort of person who longs to lead and serve self and others in the way of personal growth? Perhaps you're a bit of a deep thinker too. Have you ever thought of yourself in this way, as an educator of self, as a curious explorer, a leader, a carer, a philosopher etc? I personally believe it's the kid in us that draws us to such an identity. Kids are great self-educators, the way they naturally love to explore their connection to the world. They're also natural leaders when it comes to truth. We can learn a lot from 3 year olds, such as never stop asking 'Why?' (challenging the system). Until their heads are filled with false beliefs and social expectation, they live simply and with a basic sense of care and philosophy. These are the traits of great leaders.

It's heart-breaking to think 'Who teaches us to be our most authentic self?', from the age of 3 or 4? Unfortunately, our gaze is typically shifted away from this path. And whilst we go on to attend school, who teaches us about the power of our mind, the chemistry of our body or the energetic connections which bring all life together? Instead we learn math we may never use, we learn forms of science we perhaps will never apply to anything and the list goes on. Such wasted time in the way of personal education.

As I finally escaped years of falsely identifying myself and years of depression, I now find myself as both teacher and student to 2 teenagers and a beautiful bald headed husband. I learn who I am through the challenges they offer. Many of those challenges involve the questioning of beliefs (the ones which relate to 'Who am I?'). Through them and the teachings of Joe Dispenza I learn I am mind (the brain at work), I am body (chemistry in motion) and I am spirit (filled with incredible energy and potential for connections)...

and so are you.

Perhaps the ultimate question we face as we evolve is 'What is it we need to unlearn in order to begin discovering our true power?'

Take care

[Gregok]

Not sure what to do.myself dont want to be here anymore I have ADHD and paranoid schizophrenia and over kicking myself away from everyone