Poor choices

[Milko0583]

Hello there I have recently made some very poor choices with my life and have destroyed all trust my wife had in me. I have been hurting for some time with our own issues and struggling to understand how we got to this situation but more recently I have engaged in an emotional connection with someone that is now over but the lies I told in that moment are going to continue to haunt me I feel forever I am a lousy person and a lousy husband and been a big disappointment to my kids as I have hurt their mum in such a way that it will affect them so much more than I could imagine I feel so remorseful but don’t have any clue on what to do next as this is all we do keep going over the same things and feeling more pain .

My family really did deserve better than what I have done just not sure on what to do with myself at the moment

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I see your dilemma clearly.

Ultimately when it comes to tolerance for our mistakes it is the other persons values that determine the outcome of your situation

However, guilt is hurtful. Lets be realistic here. All people arent perfect. We at times cross boundaries and, depending on to what extent, we can sometimes only acknowledge the severity AFTER we turn back.

Your guilt level about this action tells me you are unlikely to go down that path again. So,, what is reasonable when it comes to forgiveness? Well, if your wife believes it is unforgivable there is little you can do.

You cannot erase the past. If you believe you should be forgiven and you'd never do it again, then that right of thought/belief, is as important as your wifes right to not forgive you.

Finally, there is a point to where issues like these can ruin your life eg lose your marriage and full time parenthood . If that happens then I'd suggest your wifes unforgiving stance is not so reasonable and there is more to it...if it took an emotional affair to break a family up then there is something else that isnt right.

In that case, dont beat yourself up about it. Hold onto your dignity and accept you messed it up but also be fair to yourself and accept the marriage had its flaws and lack of commitment on the other side.

If we didnt make mistakes we wouldnt be human, it is the extent of such mistakes that determine the end result and willingness to forgive.

When my marriage failed I was devastated but it wasnt the end of my world. You'll always be a dad and your importance to your children is paramount.

Mine happened in 1996. My kids were 7&4yo. I recently walked my eldest down the aisle. No one else could have filled my shoes better than my own feet...

TonyWK

[Happilyneverafter]

I am currently living this, however I am the wife. My husband ran off with another which I believe had been emotional for a long time, I found out about her from my 8 year old. He has abandoned his children and our 20 year relationship, all because he couldn’t or wouldn’t communicate with me and would listen to others. Yes we had problems, he refused to acknowledge them. Betraying a spouse is as bad as you can get, I’m sorry. That grass is only greener because it’s fertilized with BS. Are you in contact with your children? Speaking to a therapist alone can help. Are you having any communication with your wife?

[white knight]

Hi happilyeverafter

I'm sorry you have endured such treatment. It is unacceptable and breaking contact with your children...well I couldnt do that.

I had a good conversation with my wife tonight about this thread. My views were as I said above, her views were more unforgiving which is interesting.

My wife believes that emotional affairs are as bad as full on physical affairs and after explaining it to me I can see where she is coming from.

As I said, it is up to Milko's wife to determine.

What is clear in this vase is that Milko cant change the past. Also he is riddled with guilt.

Thankyou for your comments amd I hope you are ok "happilyeverafter "

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Milko

My philosophy is 'Seeing words can be incredibly powerful, my desire is to make them as empowering as possible' (otherwise we suffer through them). Given that I personally love playing with words, some years ago I began analysing 'guilt' in an effort to put a constructive spin on it. I like to see guilt as asking us 'Who do I want to be?' It is our call to consciousness. Imagine walking along a path that is destructive to self and others. Suddenly, you come to a signpost. Guilt is another name for this signpost. It points to 2 paths 1) a continuance of the path you've been on and 2) a different path of change, a more positive one. If you didn't face that signpost/guilt, there may be no call to consciousness, to change paths. So...guilt is not a bad thing, just a wake up call. It becomes a problem when we stand there beating our self up for too long, instead of taking the constructive path. Humans are not designed to stand still.

'Forgiveness' I find to be another interesting word. I believe 'forgiving' ultimately comes down to moving forward (evolving) through giving release from intense energies that are in motion (emotions) as well as certain destructive belief systems that do not serve a purpose (other than sufferance). A few examples:

• Someone has caused us pain. The challenge is to cut ties from what can become a debilitating sense of pain/emotion. We're not cutting ties from the event itself (aka forgetting). The event is a learning experience for our brain. It gives us an opportunity to adopt new beliefs/mental programs or stick with old ones. It's how we evolve
• We have caused someone else pain. The challenge is to cut the debilitating emotional ties regarding our own pain here, so we can become productive in resolving issues which need our attention. Doesn't mean we cease feeling empathy for another, based on what we've done. Having released our self from pain, we can now step up and help guide that person out of their pain, if they're permitting
• We've caused our self pain. The challenge is to cut ties from the debilitating pain we are feeling so we can become emotionally intelligent. Emotion is now seen as a productive trigger to begin thinking our way toward resolution

Forgiving leads us to our abilities.

No matter how your wife chooses to evolve through this, you need to work on forgiving yourself. Remain conscious of that signpost too.

I believe how we choose to identify with words goes toward forming our identity.

Take care

[white knight]

Hi the rising

Very good post there.

The extent to which guilt plays a part of our lives can be from zero to massive levels.

As an example at 19yo while in the ADF I got involved in a fight. I defeated my opponent and caused a scar. I was in denial for a few years after I was discharged and kept that guilt right up till Facebook became an easy way to find people. I messaged him and the next day he closed down his FB account.

What is extraordinary with this is between the period the fight occurred 1975 to when I messaged him 2015 was 40 long years.! Of course my message including an apology. What is also interesting is that I had no need to apologise as I didn't instigate the dispute.

Google

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

Guilt is a nasty thing to have in extreme levels.

TonyWK