New to the forums

ne0cats · ‎20-01-2019

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here. Normally I'm quite good at handling my problems but now that I'm older (28) and some things have changed I am really struggling at the moment and thought joining and posting might help.

Last Tuesday my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. It isn't the first time he has done this but unlike the other it wasn't out of the blue. The few weeks I knew that things were not great between us, fighting all the time, him choosing his friends over me, being less tolerant when I tried to communicate. But all the same it hasn't hurt any less than my other break ups and it doesn't help that he did it over message while I was at work after we had a fight that morning and took all his stuff from our apartment aside the essential furniture (bed, fridge, etc I moved in with him as I was still living with my family).

I've asked him to block me on everything as I have this awful habit of going and looking at his social medias and trying to change his mind even though I know its not going to work. Anything related to the apartment goes through my mum. But yesterday as I was with her most of the day I got a hold of her phone and started messaging him. He said he doesn't love me anymore and never wants to see me again. It really hurt to read that. I think that's why part of me does this kind of thing as I am in denial.

We will be vacating in the 21 days and my mum and sister are helping me look for a place. My sister lives on her own and I can't live with her as it will ruin our relationship which is already fragile and I can't with my mum as I don't want to ruin my relationship with my step dad (It was very strained while I was there). In the meanwhile I'm stuck at this apartment with all these reminders of what me and him shared and it just hurts so much. I can't stop crying and if I do it's only for a few minutes at a time and don't leave wherever I am sitting at the time. My mum and sister said I could stay at their places until I move but I would be further from my work which is a new job as well so I'm worried about finances and also I would have to keep coming back to feed my pets.

I know people say to go out with friends but most of my friends are busy with their own lives or they are far away. It didn't help that my now ex went through messages and didn't like me talking to certain people. I'm just really struggling with loneliness and I'm so tired of crying. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this.

Happygoluckymiss · ‎20-01-2019

Oh my darling girl.

Big hugs to you. If it’s any consolation- I am going through exactly the same thing as we speak. I’m just a little bit further along the journey.

Firstly, thank you for sharing- it’s courageous & brave. This community is kind, friendly, loving, helpful & non-judgmental.

I know it’s all a mess & jumble now but I do promise you this - time will & does heal you & your heart.

to help me I read and post on these forums, I watch a movie or tv series, I look at Pinterest and create boards to help with the healing. I also go for walks and I breathe. I love exercise but my appetite is non existent and I need to fuel my body accordingly before I start proper training again.

I also went to my gp & spoke with him & I took the necessary steps to start healing & navigating my mental health. I also am speaking with a psychologist. I started small & tried not to tackle everything all at once. This didn’t happen all at once- it’s been a process.

I am practicing mindfulness (please search this site on it’s amazing benefits) and I am getting a good nights sleep (aided by medication from my GP).

I also post daily on three things I am thankful for on most days - because this helps.

I am sending you love, hugs & an kindness. I also was sent this by my Aunty and it helped me enormously- life is tough my darling, but so are you.

Take care & be kind to yourself

happygoluckymiss

White_Rose · ‎20-01-2019

Dear neOcats

Welcome to the forum, it's good to see you here. This is very supportive group who have gone through their own sadnesses, or are working on them and want to help others.

Relationship breakdowns can be very painful. I imagine just about everyone has gone through this, but it doesn't make it any easier when you are the one being hurt. Do you know why the BF has moved on? I ask because you said he has done this several times in the past and presumably you have got back together. Is it always the same reason? I will ask how valid is his reason but I feel you are not ready for this yet. Just keep the thought on the back burner.

I can relate to going back to places you used to go together and it's a good idea not to follow him on any of the social media. Do you talk to others on social media? If not perhaps you could simply delete the programs, though thinking about it you can always join up again. I understand the attraction of just seeing him and his messages but as you know, it's a bit of a slippery slope.

No one likes to lose a friendship, especially when it is so personal. I think you have the insight to know what you should do and also the insight to know what will happen if you continue to send him texts. Can you think of a way you can keep your phone out of reach unless you need to call someone? How can you stop yourself making contact? I know on FB everything is kept and I expect it's the same on the other media. Do you want your remarks (pleas) to be read by everyone?

It sounds as though you have your living arrangement under control in general. It's insightful to recognise how difficult it would be to live with your mom or sister. Would it be like that if you were only there for a few weeks. You most definitely need a safe place to live. Being in the apartment you shared with the BF is bound to cause tears. I think every time you went into it you would be expecting him to be there. This is similar to when someone dies and yet we expect to see that person walking down the road. I was like that with my dad and the number of times I looked out of the windows to see if he was coming was amazing.

This breakup is a bit like a death in the family because you have no hope of seeing him again but you shared many happy memories. It's hard I know.

It may be a good idea to get in contact with your friends again, especially if they do not know of the split. If they were friends before they may be happy to continue the friendship.

Mary

tiny505 · ‎22-01-2019

Yeah i'm new too just in the last couple of hours i signed up. I mostly struggle with anxiety it's certainly not easy out there for everyone involved. I used to self medicate alot and now struggle alot with alcohol addiction i've used the e-mail support and found that to be very helpful. I guess too with detoxing (and i appologise i'm still reading the rules) that i would have to feel happy in myself to move forward to want to change and get happy in my life. I'm trying for some more volunteering roles with alot of different organisations it's slow going. I'm sorry to hear about your break up for me i lost mostly friends for no real good reason. I'm silll somehow here today still fighting and only 31 years old. Hope things work out for you.

White_Rose · ‎23-01-2019

Dear Tiny

Welcome to the forum. Great to read your first post and no, you have not broken any rules. Your honesty in revealing your addiction shows you want to move forward. We are here to give you support and answer questions if we can.

only 31 years old. Glad to know you have many years ahead of you to help and encourage others who write in here.

Volunteering is good. Be careful not to load yourself up with too many organisations. I hope to see you around the forums.

Mary

TranceAddict · ‎27-01-2019

Hi all,

Sorry to hear about the break up ne0cats. I'm 28 years old, male, recently moved back to Aus after a year and a half working holiday in Canada. Has been mentally exhausting starting fresh again. I have really struggled since basically after high school up until now settling somewhere and creating a solid network of genuine friends and relationships as i have moved around the place alot. Have met so many people already in my lifetime through work, sports, flatmates etc. etc. I know people find me likeable and charming as i make friends easy wherever i am, although not genuine friends which is rare it seems, I have never been in a relationship with a women, and this has really been weighing on my mind alot lately. Can't sleep properly and cannot enjoy things most people would anymore. Glad i have joined BB network and find people who are having similar struggles. Please reply and share your own stories with me. You're not alone !

White_Rose · ‎28-01-2019

Hello NeOcat

How are you going? You have received several lovely replies to your post. I hope they are helpful.

Can you write in again to let us know how you are travelling. We would love to continue to support you. Hope to hear from you soon.

Mary

ne0cats · ‎17-02-2019

Hello everyone.

First I want to say thank you to everyone who replied. I did read all my replies however I've been in an incredibly bad spot for the last month and only now am I beginning to see some light.

I'll keep this as brief as I can (As you only get so many characters here) but its been a really rough time. After I wrote here I spent one night at mine and my ex's place and completely lost it. I was up all night waking up to any single noise thinking it was him coming back, then we had a horrible thunder storm. I'm not usually afraid of thunderstorms but this was a really bad one and the circumstances didn't help. After that night I packed a bag and stayed at mums. I even had mum organise with my ex to come feed the animals as I could not cope.

I've lost track of how many breakdowns I've had. By breakdowns I mean massive crying episodes where I feel like everything is too much and I can't focus and I just want it to stop. I make no sense during these times but fortunately my friends, family and even recent strangers have still managed to be there.

My worst times were when I drove to where my ex and I lived when I knew he was going to be there. I would beg and plead until I had no idea what I was doing. What would then follow was me seducing him to sleep with me. I have been in so much emotional pain that I would do anything for it to stop and this drug was one of the only things that gave my relief for hours. Anything else I used to enjoy or have tried to get into has given me 5% enjoyment. Its the worst thing about this. I am miserable and nothing makes me happy.

On top of all this I've been stressing trying to learn as much as I can at my new job, whilst looking for a place of my own and moving/packing etc. Last week was the worst. I said goodbye to my ex and once again slept with him. I moved into my new place and then only valentines day contacted him only for him to tell me he was completely over me and he wanted me out of his life for good. That was the hardest blow. He was happy without me and I am miserable without him. It has been so long I forgot I was miserable with him too. But as I have explained to my family and friends I gave up my whole soul to be with him and now I dont have him I have nothing left. I feel like a shell of a person.

Today I have learnt there is a lot of kind people out there. Also that I'm struggling to accept people can fake kindness like he did just to get what he wanted. I struggle to see him in a bad light.

White_Rose · ‎19-02-2019

I'm so pleased to hear from you and that you are starting to resolve your difficulties. It's a hard road I know but you can get to where you want to be. A bit of a cliché but it is still correct.

Crying is OK as a relief for your hurt. I cannot remember how much time I have spent crying other than lots. Unfortunately it can be very exhausting and for that reason it would be good to find a way to stop the tears before they become overwhelming. Continuing for too long leaves you in the situation you call having a breakdown. Not a nice place to be.

I was looking to see if you have talked to a psychologist and I cannot find a reference. How do you feel about this? Talking to someone who is unbiased, as in does not know you and has no hidden agenda, can be very helpful. I expect you will need to talk about why the BF's departure has hurt so much. Of course we all hurt when someone walks away and you have already acknowledged this. It's a good start.

Grief over the loss of anything can be so painful, and particularly parting from another person. I see you feel quite resentful that he is happy and you are not after you gave him so much. You probably do not want to hear this but would you please keep it on one side for the future. When love and affection is one-sided or unequal the person who gives the most is usually the one to hurt the most. I don't mean you should not love and trust anyone because of fear of the future. None of us know what will happen.

We need to make our own lives and find ourselves. Apart from anything else we become more interesting to others, but the main point is we have a satisfying life of our own and can function well and be happy. To look for a partner to prop us up just does not work. It leaves you open to those who can abuse you and often becomes a burden to the partner. When you are strong you will find an equal match and be very happy. So how about you have a chat to your GP and start the ball rolling to see a psychologist. Grief is as much an illness as the 'flu.

I hope you will keep in touch here. We can support you and it's safe to say what you like. Well, within reason of course.

Mary

White_Rose · ‎25-02-2019

Hello Neocats

How are you going? Haven't heard from you for a few days and I wonder how you are managing.

Can you give us an update? Hope all is well.

Mary