New to Autism at 51!

[E_B_just_trying]

I don't actually have a formal diagnosis(?) however two psychiatrist, a psychologist and my new G.P. all tell me Autism with ADHD has been my problem for the last 50 years.  I never did any good at life but this makes sense why.  Failed at school, no job past a few years before meltdown, no longer working and living only on the generosity of others.  I would assess my general mood as despairing.  See I REALLY want a new motorbike I can't afford it and it's causing me a great deal of "pain" for want of a better word.  I tried a group therapy thing for ADHD but I swear a lot which breaks their rules.  I can't tolerate rules I disagree with so I gave that up!  I'm fortunate to have good access to mental health treatment however none of them seem to understand me.  I'm told I have very black and white thinking but, for the life of me, I just don't understand this "grey" that everyone else seems to get.  I'm looking to start a dance group.  I can't dance but I like music LOUD!  I was planning on just cranking up the music in my shed and start moving.  For exercise.  I'm pretty over weight and have lots of injuries from when I was younger.  At least I can move at my own pace.  I'm sort of hoping people in my neighbourhood might feel encouraged to join me.  Like a social exercise group.  I'm not really sure how to reach out but I think people are sadder than they make out.  Maybe we can all be a little silly and have a laugh at ourselves! I am finding the whole Autism experience a little daunting.  I always believed one day I'd find the "magic pill" and "get better".  Now I know that's not possible I'm not sure where to turn.  Well that's me introduced.  I'm not complicated but I have been struggling.  Maybe some people here can share a joke so we can have a laugh.  I can start with a funny story.  I bake cookies for a lady whose husband has dementia.  They are to help the gentleman suffering to sleep better.  My Dad was staying at my place one night, looking after my dog, when he found the cookies I was to deliver in a few days.  Not knowing, he had a few with a cuppa. I received a phone call from my mother the next morning explaining how Dad had a stroke and was in hospital.  They thought it was strange he could pass some tests, and he seemed a lot better the next morning.  So I had to explain my cookies to my Mum, a Cardiologist, two nurses and a General Physician!  Everybody laughed except the Cardiologist who wanted a cookie "for research!"          

[not_dead_yet]

me reading this at 1am. I think i relate to most of this and me: currently failing at school. Also not diagnosed- everyone tells me i should go get diagnosed for at least something cuz i aint "normal". For me its like i'll visit like kmart or smth and be like i need this- dont got the money- ends up spending hours thinking about it non-stop and it impacts me with my living, ill end up finding a cheaper version, a replacment or somehow making do and buying it anyways. And i get distracted easily. Sometimes i get fixations on sounds as well, a couple days ago i kept hearing a radio sound and couldnt stop imitating it. There are some times where i dont eat because the smell give me headaches and i give up. like i just dont feel the need to eat and the nagging gets annoying. I get forced to eat and it tick me off. I know eating is importand and i will but i will throw up if i eat like this. i dont think this reply makes sense or if its even related. i cant think straight rn ive been waiting for the councellor for 45 minutes and gave up. i swear how did i manage to be so patient?

[E_B_just_trying]

I hear people calling my name but when I turn around there's nobody there.  The other big one is the, Me: "What did you say?"  Them: "I didn't say anything."  Me: "Oh,O.K."  As I have gotten older, that "stuff I've got to have' just got more expensive.  For me I think it's more about status and how others think of me.  If I have 'X then they'll see my value!  t's like this trap I struggle to get out of.  I'm starting to realise however, that I'm happiest when I am around others.  Even if it feels a little weird.  That's why I think the whole dance thing could work.  I tend to only talk about serious stuff and I realise a lot of people don't like talking about all the negative existential stuff I think about.  This way there's less talking and hopefully more laughing!  I believe that having fun is what we forgot.  I try and imagine I am 5!  No inhibition, no negativity.  I turn the hose on and literally throw mud at the wall, slide on the wet grass, just being stupid!  And after I feel so much better!  Even whilst cleaning up the mess.  Funny the neighbours never complain about me playing in the mud with Velvet Revolver's "Set Me Free" cranked up to 11!  I guess thinking straights not really my thing either.  

I'm a little scared of getting a formal diagnosis.  I'm worried it will become an excuse not to try any more.  I will be 52 soon and I don't think I have much time to sort it out.  Group therapy isn't my thing, therapist don't help a lot, but a life coach who "gets it" would be fantastic.  I think the first thing they would say is to have fun!  Maybe pick a song and just move!  (What a feeling" from Flashdance is a great song to get started!  And thats from a 51 year old guy!  I used to think being "tough" mattered.  What would my old Army buddies think of me now?)  I hope this can give you 5 minutes of the joy I get not thinking, just moving!  By the way, you're patient because you are intelligent.  Like me you know there is "better" out there somewhere!  There is!  We've just got to find it and for me it's in the craziest place.  In my shed, dancing (well I doubt Janet Jackson would call it that), and pretending I am 5.  Crazy place we call home!

[not_dead_yet]

Im happy that you have something working for you haha, maybe you should bake some of those cookies for your neighbour! Im still stuck within the restrictions of school which has destroyed my creativity, especially dance cuz wow have I been criticised many times because I didnt do it how I was "supposed to"? Maybe getting a formal diagnosis would give you some peace of mind, or rather than an excuse not to try anymore, it could be a step into a fresh start and a new life while embraced and managing it properly. I know what when I am old enough-to not need to ask my parents-  and have enough money, getting diagnosed is something that's on my list to do. There's always time!